Like Am-Chau, I wonder about the present tense. I think it's hard to use in a story like this, which is sort of episodic.

I'd also suggest taking a look at your dialogue tags. You have a lot of "interrupts", "asks", "responds", "snarls", "growls", "cracks", "blurts", etc. I'd check out Macedon's "The Craft of Writing". He talks about how "said", or in this case "says", is a transparent word, whereas excessive use of other tags tends to distract the reader. Instead of relying on "growls" and "jokes", you can convey the mood with description. If Willow's joking, is it because she's nervous? Is she twisting her hands in her lap? Is she looking at one of the other people in the room for support?

I'd also suggest taking a look at your dialogue tags. You have a lot of "interrupts", "asks", "responds", "snarls", "growls", "cracks", "blurts", etc. I'd check out Macedon's "The Craft of Writing". He talks about how "said", or in this case "says", is a transparent word, whereas excessive use of other tags tends to distract the reader. Instead of relying on "growls" and "jokes", you can convey the mood with description. If Willow's joking, is it because she's nervous? Is she twisting her hands in her lap? Is she looking at one of the other people in the room for support?

Excellent, Dana. Thank you. I am bookmarking that right now. That's another thing I was uncomfortable with. I never thought about "said" being transparent, though. Hmmm, also, maybe the length is why I no longer like the present. That's an interesting thought.

I never thought about "said" being transparent, though.

That whole essay of Macedon's is great, and that was one of the things that really hit me back when I first read it, because it wasn't something I'd ever thought about either.

That whole essay of Macedon's is great,

I gave it a very quick skim when I bookmarked it. It is also funny! Thank you again. I need the resource.

Are you anti-present tense in general, or is my shakiness in using it coming through?

Um... I'm anti when it doesn't work, which is normally when someone's shaky about using it. I can't quite say I'm always anti, because there are one or two times when I've used it myself-- but I was very sure that's what it needed, all the way through, before I made that choice. And it wasn't easy.

Macedon's essay is well worth reading.

You can also sometimes get away with untagged dialogue, or dialogue tagged only with, "Willow looked at Xander for support/ the floor for clues/ the back of her eyelids".

I do have some untagged. I'm pretty dialogue heavy though, and I know I hate when I am reading, leave, come back, and can't figure out who is talking, so I tried to walk the line. In general, is there still too much tagging in your opinion?

is there still too much tagging in your opinion?

In the early part, it's quite thick with heavy-tags. Make more of them transparant, and you'll be okay, I think-- it's not easy with so many people in the scene.

Thanks. I'll wait to post the next sections until I've prettied these up. What's the protocol with re-posting fixed stuff, in a long piece of fiction. Should I just link to my LJ for the already posted (but fixed) sections, and only put new stuff in here?

If I feel like my dialogue is getting tag-heavy, I'll sometimes use a brief action descriptor in place of the tag. Something like this:

Buffy held the necklace up to the light. "This looks familiar."

I also think that "asked," "replied," "whispered," "murmured," and a few others are nearly as transparent as "said," but I'm not sure how many Official Writing Experts would agree with me.

I'd either edit the original posts, or link to my LJ. Reposting the whole lot for text edits seems a bit extreme.

Susan, one of the things the essay linked to above does is agree with you on that point. 'asked' 'answered' 'replied', etc.