I never thought about "said" being transparent, though.

That whole essay of Macedon's is great, and that was one of the things that really hit me back when I first read it, because it wasn't something I'd ever thought about either.

That whole essay of Macedon's is great,

I gave it a very quick skim when I bookmarked it. It is also funny! Thank you again. I need the resource.

Are you anti-present tense in general, or is my shakiness in using it coming through?

Um... I'm anti when it doesn't work, which is normally when someone's shaky about using it. I can't quite say I'm always anti, because there are one or two times when I've used it myself-- but I was very sure that's what it needed, all the way through, before I made that choice. And it wasn't easy.

Macedon's essay is well worth reading.

You can also sometimes get away with untagged dialogue, or dialogue tagged only with, "Willow looked at Xander for support/ the floor for clues/ the back of her eyelids".

I do have some untagged. I'm pretty dialogue heavy though, and I know I hate when I am reading, leave, come back, and can't figure out who is talking, so I tried to walk the line. In general, is there still too much tagging in your opinion?

is there still too much tagging in your opinion?

In the early part, it's quite thick with heavy-tags. Make more of them transparant, and you'll be okay, I think-- it's not easy with so many people in the scene.

Thanks. I'll wait to post the next sections until I've prettied these up. What's the protocol with re-posting fixed stuff, in a long piece of fiction. Should I just link to my LJ for the already posted (but fixed) sections, and only put new stuff in here?

If I feel like my dialogue is getting tag-heavy, I'll sometimes use a brief action descriptor in place of the tag. Something like this:

Buffy held the necklace up to the light. "This looks familiar."

I also think that "asked," "replied," "whispered," "murmured," and a few others are nearly as transparent as "said," but I'm not sure how many Official Writing Experts would agree with me.

I'd either edit the original posts, or link to my LJ. Reposting the whole lot for text edits seems a bit extreme.

Susan, one of the things the essay linked to above does is agree with you on that point. 'asked' 'answered' 'replied', etc.

Yeah, I think. I get off easily in my crossover cause the "Homicide" squad calls each other by name all the time.Makes my "job" easier. And I almost never use anything but 'said'...my last writing teacher said it gave him hives, otherwise. Far be it for me to give a guy hives.Now it's ingrained. Although, like I said, if I read the "titian-haired detective" one more time, I'm not responsible. Kay is NOT Nancy Drew. OK? But what do I know? I'm a woman caught between two fandoms.

Cindy, I'm loving it. This is what I had with what I've read so far. Do you want me to finish? Or should I shut up and leave you alone, and just read for fun? 'Cause I will if you say so.

Two men leading, with two women following about 20 feet behind, walk toward a 12'x12', dimly lit office. In it is a battered pine desk, which is stained a dark and depressing walnut hue, a similar chair, with a torn green vinyl seat cushion, to boot. There is also an old-style, heavy black rotary phone, a metal waste basket, and a coffee mug that now has(with) something growing in it.

Your Giles voice is spot-on. But I think your Buffy voice is a little off. She's still using teenager code-speak, and it's her teenager codespeak, so it hasn't incorporated current teen slang. It's still the way she, Xander and Willow have always talked among themselves. Your Buffy is sounding a bit too adult and articulate, IMO. Actually? This bit right here:

What say you? Shall we give them a hand? A backhand? What's the problem, guys? Your severe case of cranky pants is harshing my mellow."

sounds like Deb!

Her back to Dawn, Kennedy watches the sunset. "I just don't understand it at all. Vamps, demons, gypsies, tramps and thieves - fine, I get them. But magicks give me the willies."

If you leave out the word "gypsies," the line has a great enough resonance to call up the lyric, and I think would work better. "Demons, vamps and thieves." And would Kennedy say "magicks" even after spending some time with Willow, I think she'd still be thinking--and saying--"magic."

Hee! on the whole "William - willies - wiggins" thing!

all because she went to some crack, excuse me, magicks dealer

"all because she went to some crack--excuse me--magics dealer", I think.

Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles enter room 119 of the Twilight Time Motel. Buffy and Willow sit on the first of the two double beds, Buffy's. Dawn spots the books Giles is clutching and says, "Neat. Did you pack them in the school bus before the battle?"

"Um...yes, Dawn, I... what you..." stammers Giles. He continues on to the closet on the far side of the room, puts them on the upper shelf, and shuts the door.

Giles walks towards the tacky orange vinyl padded chair. Kennedy and Dawn lie on their tummies, sideways - across Dawn's bed, chins propped on folded hands. Xander leans against the dresser.

Too much detail--this reads like stage directions. We don't have to see it the way you do, as long as we get the jist--"Buffy and Willow sit together on one of the beds", "Giles puts the books on the shelf in the closet before subsiding (or, "then sits in") into the tacky orange vinyl chair", "Kennedy and Dawn, crosswise on the other bed, survey (whom or whatever), chins propped on their hands. Xander, too (tense, keyed-up, uncomfortable sharing bedspace with whomever) to sit, leans against the dresser."

"No," shouts Giles, but Buffy raises her eyebrows and Kennedy complies. As she starts around Dawn's bed toward Buffy, a pile of jewelry appears with a metallic-sounding tinkle, just next to Xander's right hand.

"I'm freaked," states Kennedy, who'd (who has, or who's) been silent a very long time, "what's the story on the jewelry? What is it?"

"Xander, you can talk about the necklace. Let's bring that book and this necklace inside. Dry your - your cheek (face.tears.). We're going to take care of this."

I'm loving this, a lot. It's exactly the sort of adventure they'd be off on, next.