a bizarre crossover drabble inspired by my difficulty finishing an Anita Blake book without thinking "someone hit her, please." Oh, S7, post-chip, S/X cause I'm that way

Spike squinted through the trees of the cemetery. "Who the hell is that?"

Buffy turned. "Where?"

Willow and Xander turned as well. "Oh, her?"

A woman came into view, wearing a black shirt tucked into black pants, a windbreaker over everything, plus black Nikes with a blue swoop on the side.

"Cute shoes," Buffy commented.

Xander looked at her. "What do her shoes have to do with anything, Buff?"

"I don't know, they just seemed--significant somehow."

"Personally, I think the Browning Hi-Power pistol she's holding is more significant."

Willow looked at him. "I thought you forgot all that soldier stuff."

"Men, guns, it's a thing."

The woman stopped and glared at them. "Who are you people and what are you doing here?"

Buffy blinked. "Who are you?"

"I asked first."

"I asked second. Hey!" The woman had leveled the pistol at her.

"I want to know who you people are, and I want to know now!"

"I'm Buffy Summers. Does that help?"

"You're not as funny as you think you are." The gun swung around as the others stepped forward. The cross at her throat began to glow faintly. "Vampire. Which one of you is the vampire?"

Willow looked at Xander, who looked back at Willow, then they both looked at Spike, who was averting his eyes from the glow but still managing his best cooler-than-thou sneer and slouch.

"Let her guess," he said.

Buffy stepped forward again, staring at the cross. "Yours glows? Mine doesn't glow." She pulled her cross from under her shirt. "How is this fair?"

The woman barely glanced at her. "You need faith."

"You do? Since when?"

"Why are you bothering me?"

Buffy bounced on her toes. "Well, see, I told you my name, but you didn't tell me yours."

"Anita Blake."

The Scoobies and Spike looked at each other and shrugged.

Blake blinked in surprise. "Vampires call me the Executioner."

Spike snickered. "No vampire I know, love."

Willow sidled over to Buffy. "Wanna be Slayer?"

"Maybe. Maybe more like Wes' rogue demon hunter shtick."

Blake stared at Spike. "You're a vampire?"

Xander snickered. "Oh, she's good."

The gun started to track towards Xander, but snapped back at Spike's growl. "You do not point guns at Xander."

"I'll point this gun where I like, not where a vampire tells me."

Buffy and Willow both shook their heads. "Mis-ta-ake," they chorused.

"You don't threaten his nummy," Willow said.

"Bad idea," Buffy added.

Spiked glared at Xander. "You told them about the nummy?"

"It may have slipped out."

"You can be replaced by a blow-up doll, you know." He winced at the pout Xander gave him.

Xander turned to Buffy. "I've changed my mind. You can take him back."

"Nuh uh! You said, and I quote, 'Look what followed me home, can I keep him?'"

Willow nodded solemnly. "And then you swore to feed him and clean up after him and take care of him. Pets are a big responsibility, Xander."

"Yeah, but now he's sleeping on the bed and shedding, and he eats everything and he chews on stuff."

Spike smirked. "I only chew on the stuff you want me to chew on, whelp."

Xander grinned. "Oh, yeah, right."

Spike nodded towards Buffy and Willow. "Those two are doing the 'aren't they cute' look again, aren't they."

"'Fraid so."

He looked over his shoulder. "You know, if either of you--or both--wanted to come over some night, I bet we could have some fun."

Willow blushed. "Oh, no, no, thanks, but no. Girls, I like the girls now."

"The more the merrier, if you wanted to bring a guest."

"No, no, no."

Spike turned to Buffy. "Slayer? I don't think the boy here would mind a threesome."

Xander made a strangled noise.

Buffy blinked. "Three--threesome?"

"Sure, though sometimes you have to hold Xander's hands down, because he tickles."

The strangled noise modulated into an odd sort of reminiscent chuckle. Buffy gaped at Xander, speculation all over her face. Willow stared in disbelief that wasn't at all upset.

"Hey!" Blake yelled. "Arrange your orgies later! I want answers!"

Buffy sighed. "Answers to what? All you've done is come here and wave your guns and attitude around. What do you want?"

"Who are you?"

"The Vampire Slayer. Not as impressive as the Executioner, but more people have heard of me."

"You kill vampires."

"Yeah."

"And you're going to sleep with him and his--"

Spike growled again, but Xander patted his arm. "Relax, I want to hear what she calls me."

"This is your fault, you know, with that whole 'Gay me up' speech." He glared at Willow, who looked guilty.

Blake glared at Spike. "I can't get a handle on you. You're a master, but you're young."

"Young! I'm a hundred and bloody twenty-four years old!"

Xander was blinking again. "Master? As in Master Spike?"

Spike grinned at him. "Learn the word. Love the word."

"Stop it!" Blake yelled. "Stop distracting me with sex! I don't care if you two are dating."

Xander snickered. "Dating? Hey, Spike, would you go to the movies with me Friday night? Maybe we can hold hands or something."

"If that's all we're going to do, I'm not going anywhere with you. Snogging or nothing, and maybe more if I can get your trousers open."

"Stop that!" This time it was Willow and Buffy. Willow had her fingers in her ears and was chanting, "La la la, I can't hear you!"

Blake leveled the pistol again, moving it from one person to another. "I don't know who you people are, but I don't trust any of you, so you all just better back up."

"Excuse me?" Buffy said. "And what gives Miss Wanna Be the right to give orders?"

The gun turned, Xander stepped forward in protest, the gun tracked back, Spike growled again, and the gun fired.

Willow screamed, Xander yelled "No!", and Buffy gasped in disbelief.

Spike staggered back, then stared down at his chest. "Ow! You stupid bitch! That hurt! And you put a hole in my duster!"

Blake gaped at him, but before she could fire again Willow yelled "Expelliarmus!", and the gun went flying. Blake reached for another weapon. Before she could pull one, Spike was on her, one hand around her throat the other wrapped around her gun hand. She struggled, then froze as Spike's face warped into ridges.

Buffy came up and grabbed her free arm. "You shot a vampire? Hello?"

"Si--silver bullets . . ."

Spike lifted her off the ground and shook her. "I'm not a bloody werewolf! Stupid cow." He tightened his fingers.

Buffy cleared her throat. "Um, Spike, soul? Killing people bad, remember?"

"Killing people who threaten loved ones good."

"Well, yeah . . ."

Willow cleared her throat. "Guys?"

"Pardon moi," came an elegant French voice from the darkness, "but I would be grateful if you would return ma petite to me."

"Wow," Willow breathed.

"Gosh," Buffy blinked.

The man who was stepping out of the woods wore tight black pants and boots and a white ruffly shirt. His long black hair floated gently in the breeze. Xander licked a finger and held it up to confirm that, no, there was no breeze in his vicinity.

"Now who the hell are you?" Spike snapped.

"I am Jean Claude. I apologize for ma petite."

Blake struggled in Spike's grip, gasping out some protest at Jean Claud speaking for her.

"She shot my lover!" Xander protested. "Well, you are," he added at Spike's look of surprise.

"Yeah, but you've never come right out and said it."

Buffy smacked both their arms. "Moon later. So you know this Anita Blake?"

Jean Claude bowed. "I do, mademoiselle, and I would be happy to take her home with me."

"Why would she shoot a vampire?"

"Ah. Things are . . . different where we come from. If you permit, I will take her home and she won't bother you anymore."

Blake struggled more, then squeaked as Spike tightened his grip some more.

Jean Claude stepped forward. "Please, let her breathe."

Spike backed off half a centimeter. "I'm very tired of listening to her."

"She can be quite . . . volatile."

"Volatile?" Willow said. "She makes Faith look socially well adjusted."

Xander snickered. "Except I think Faith has a different definition of dating."

Jean Claude stepped over carefully and put his hand on Blake's arm. "If you release her, I will make sure she goes home."

"She shot Spike," Buffy repeated. "People don't just get to shoot our vampire."

"*My* vampire," Xander protested. "You had your turn." He winced as she hit him.

Jean Claude frowned very faintly. "I am sorry about that, but I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Bugger fine!" Spike snapped. "I'm going to have to get that bullet dug out, and that hurts." He fixed glowing yellow eyes on his captive. "And she was aiming a gun at Xander. That she gets to pay for."

Jean Claude leaned closer to Spike. "I would take it as a personal favor if you released her to me."

Spike started to snarl, then stared at Jean Claude. "But--you've got a heartbeat!"

"Oui."

"You're breathing!"

"Oui."

Spike let go and took two rapid steps back. Blake sagged against Jean Claude.

Xander went to Spike. "What?"

"He's a vampire."

"Huh?"

Buffy stared. "No, he isn't. He doesn't set off my spidey sense at all."

"Trust me, Slayer. He's a vamp. Just not my kind of vamp. No demon."

Blake pulled herself together. "Of course he's no demon."

Jean Claude held on to her easily. "But he, ma petite, is a demon. You see his face. They do not hunt as I and mine do. They can move about during the day, but they don't have our mental strengths."

Buffy frowned. "Mental strengths."

"Don't meet his eyes," Willow said sharply. "Like Dracula."

Spike and Xander gave identical growls.

Jean Claude blinked. "Tepes survives here?"

"Only until I catch up with him," Spike growled.

"We," Xander added. "We catch up with him."

Buffy studied Jean Claude suspiciously. "How do you know this stuff about him, when he doesn't know about you?"

"I am over four hundred years old, mademoiselle. One learns things."

"The Watchers don't know this stuff."

"The whom, mademoiselle?"

Willow tugged on Buffy's sleeve. "I think we need to go chat with our baby Watcher and our big Watcher and let them go."

"Got my vote. Xander?"

Xander glared at Spike's wound, then shrugged. "Yeah, let 'em go. So long as they really do go," he added with a surprisingly serious glare.

"Yes, m'sieur, we will be going."

"No, we won't," Blake said. "Let me go, don't you dare pull the little woman routine on me."

"Anita, this is not our place, it's best we leave."

"I want my gun."

Buffy went to pick up the pistol. "This ugly thing? Xander, can you unload it for me?"

Xander popped the clip, then opened the breech to pull the round from the chamber. He studied the round as he handed the empty pistol to Buffy. "Huh. It is silver."

"Let me see," Spike said. Xander dropped the round into his hand, and both Blake and Jean Claude fought gasps. Spike gave them puzzled looks, the studied the silvery bullet in its brass casing. He touched the tip of his tongue to the metal. "Yeah, silver, no idea why."

Willow shrugged. "Most protection spells involve silver."

Spike tossed the round back to Xander, who fitted it into the clip. "Does nothing to me." He glanced at his rings. "Just as well."

Buffy turned to Blake and Jean Claude. "As fun as this exchange program is, it's probably a good idea if you go home now."

Blake stuck out her hand. "I want my gun back."

"This thing? OK." Buffy studied it, then grabbed the barrel and squeezed. The heavy steel resisted, but it didn't have to bend far. "Here you go."

Blake took it numbly and didn't say a word.

Xander handed her the clip. "There you go. Use 'em in good health."

"Oi! Maybe I wanted a souvenir?"

"You can keep the one we dig out of you."

"Oh, right. I want the good whiskey, then, if I'm going to get cut on."

"Only the best."

Buffy looked pointedly at Jean Claude, who finally took his gaze from the ruined pistol and nodded.

"Come, ma petite. It's time we went home."

Blake followed him back into the woods. Her voice was raised in argument, then cut off.

"Think he killed her?" Spike said hopefully.

Willow shook her head. "No, they probably went home." She hesitated. "Anybody want to go look?" She didn't get an answer. "OK, home, then, for some vampire surgery and a game of Stump the Watcher!"

Buffy grinned. "She sounds so happy when she gets like this."

"Yeah," Spike grumbled, "it's not her being cut on."

Xander bumped into him companionably. "That's OK, I'll hold your hand. Least I can do for a loved one."

Spike tried to protest, but the smile got away from him. Willow and Buffy watched them with smiles of their own.

Xander and Spike finally noticed. "Stop that!" Spike snapped.

"Not cute," Xander protested, "not cute!" Spike tugged on his arm and they headed off.

Willow looked at Buffy. "Cute."

"Yeah."

"Expelliarmus? Isn't that Harry Potter?"

"Hey, it worked."

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Connie, you're slaying me... And I've never read Anita Blake.

His long black hair floated gently in the breeze. Xander licked a finger and held it up to confirm that, no, there was no breeze in his vicinity.

BWAH!

The woman barely glanced at her. "You need faith."

Was really expecting them to bring up Faith at this juncture.

"Expelliarmus? Isn't that Harry Potter?"

"Hey, it worked."

Snerksnerksnerksnerk....

Heee! bouncebouncebounce And wheee! Thanks, connie!

Connie I love that! And in my head, after Jean Claude has taken Anita where ever she's still trying to get it saying "But they didn't want to have sex with me! Everyone wants to have sex with me!"

BWAH, Askye, too true.

Askye, I tried to figure a way to work that in, but figured she'd be dead long before anyone got to the point of wondering if she was beddable.