In meaningless celebrity gossip, Yahoo is reporting that Piven and Cusack are on the outs, possibly due to Piven's recent successes: [link]

I'm trying to write a strongly worded letter, and I'm afeared I'm coming off as a prude and not a reasonable person who is just REALLY MAD.

Help? Thoughts?

My name is Allyson, and I'm a secretary (specifics redacted). I handle a great deal of purchase orders for optical instruments in support of my group.

This morning I was sorting through some catalogues that just arrived, and well, was sort of disgusted to find a cheesecake photo of a barefoot woman in a short skirt and plunging neckline selling me optics.

It's oddly inappropriate, yeah? I'm not distributing this thing. It's embarassing and weird, for both your company, and no doubt, a lot of scientists and engineers who would be uncomfortable seeing this cover on the desks of colleagues. Seriously, what was the marketing department thinking?

Signature file

Big giant fist-pumping right the fuck on with your bad ol' grad-student self, amych!

I was going to add something sparkling and COMMable about nondairy creamer and salad, but it got lost in the midst of dealing with a fussy baby. Oh, how brilliant it would have been!

My name is Allyson, and I'm a secretary (specifics redacted). I handle a great deal of purchase orders for optical instruments in support of my group.

This morning I was sorting through some catalogues that just arrived, and found a photo of a barefoot woman, in a short skirt and plunging neckline, selling me optics.

It struck me as odd that your company is using cheesecake to promote optics to scientists and engineers. Am I supposed to make this available to my colleagues with a straight face? Seriously, what was the marketing department thinking?

Signature file

Hm. I would go short and nasty, because, I am all about the nasty. And, emphasize the financial component of your decision.

Dear [company],

Please do not send us any further catalogs until you have discovered what kinds of images are appropriate for the cover of a catalog selling [mumblewhatevers]. Hint: scantily-clad woman is not the right answer, not just because women do exist in the sciences but because scientists in my department, both male and female, would be terribly embarrassed to receive such a catalog.

They will not be receiving it. I will not be distributing your catalog and will not be processing any orders from same until such time as you improve your sense of propriety and politics. I will be ordering from your competitors, who at the very least demonstrate an iota of tact.

Also: the 21st century is a great place to be. Please find your way there soonest.

no love, Allyson.

Congrats, amych!

Speaking of laundrey, I once had people dumping my non-dry clothes out of the dryer while I was at the laundromat, and standing right there! People are craxy about dryers.

And I have some sort of bug in my stomach. I keep thinking I am better, but alas, I am not. And I want to go help my friend's sister-in-law do some work for her business (custom invitations), because she has a bog client and she is behind, but I am not sure if I am up for it after work, after eating almost nothing except saltines for 3 days.

Oh, how brilliant it would have been!

I have no doubt that it would have been both brilliant and flammable!

Speaking of laundrey, I once had people dumping my non-dry clothes out of the dryer while I was at the laundromat, and standing right there! People are craxy about dryers.

When I was in college, there was this woman that we called Laundry Bitch. I swear that she would haunt the dryer. The second it clicked off, she was taking your stuff out. I remember sitting there once, the dryer stopped, I stood up, and there she was. I said, very loudly, "EXCUSE me, do you think that you could at least wait until the dryer stopped spinning before you yank my clothes out" She was embarrassed, and apologetic. Not that I think that stopped her in the future, of course.

I'm a secretary (specifics redacted). I handle a considerable number of purchase orders for optical instruments in support of my group. This morning I was sorting through some catalogues that just arrived, and found one with a photo of a barefoot woman, in a short skirt and plunging neckline, trying to sell optical equipment to me. The catalogue bears your company’s name.

I am not distributing this catalogue. I am assuming that this cover was placed on your catalogue through some oversight or as the result of a prank that was perpetrated on your company by the printer. Please forward to me a catalogue with a cover which is appropriate for this and your other clients’ workplaces – one which would not cause the recipients to be embarrassed to have such catalogues seen on their desks.

Oh, I vote for Narrator's version (depending on her fee; there's always a fee).