If anyone feels like giving advice, this is cross-posted with my LJ:

So, I'm looking for some opinions/advice. My BIL has two daughters (almost 3 and almost 7). They are our only nieces. Their birthdays are two days apart the first week in Jan. I *always* send them two presents (one for their birthday and one for Christmas) each. I do it because I like them and I like buying them presents. However, I have no ever once received a thank you note. (I don't blame the girls for this. How would they know?) Last year, Ellie received a very late Christmas present and no birthday present. I was a bit hurt since I've spent a lot of money on my nieces over the years. More than money, though, I love them and I liked buying stuff for them. I still love them but it's hard not to feel taken advantage of. (This is a common theme.) So, what do I do this year? Send nothing? Send presents anyway because it's the nice thing to do? Send presents for Christmas but not birthdays? Am I being petty? Am I punishing the daughters for their parents' failings? Should I just spend the money on presents for Ellie? I feel like I want to *do* something, but if I say anything, I'll sound greedy or petty. Suggestions?

Stephanie, I say, send very nice presents to the girls this time, and thank the parents sweetly for the gifts they sent Ellie. It may take some time if they're particularly thick-skinned, but eventually the guilt will set in.

Of course, there may be some extenuating circumstances for their lateness and oversight, and this might be the best they could do. In which case, by being sweet, you'll never have to feel guilty, yourself, for being mean when they were (possibly) going through something tough.

Stephanie, I wouldn't let the parents' failings ruin the fun of being a great aunt. Don't do more than you are comfortable with, but give the girls what you like giving.

I think Laura is right.

Short of actually talking to the adults in that family to ask what is up - their budget of time, energy and money may be very different from your own - you could send nice cards to the girls. That way you are still remembering them, and yet not doing more for them than their social skills can handle (by way of writing thank you notes). In the same situation, I might be tempted to slip $3-5 worth of McDonald's gift certificates into the cards just for the fun of giving a little something without great expense - but I imagine that's not so easy for you.

As for the grown-ups involved, it may well be one of those things in which your BiL's wife figures it's his side of the family, so he ought to take care of it, and the BiL has no clue. Or there could be something else going on. My sister's kids never sent me a thank you note for anything I sent. For a while, she would send me nice prezzies for Christmas, but then fell out of the habit. Once when we were having a conversation about festivities in general, she told me she quit doing Christmas for anyone but her own kids because it was so much work that it was no fun any more. That I understood. But there was also a time in my life when I seriously wished that someone would print a family guide to who couldn't afford to exchange presents and which names I couldn't bring up in the presence of which people.

Stephanie, I've been through this with my brother. When Jake was the only kid, he set gifts all the time. Now that they have three kids, and we have three kids, he rarely remembers a birthday -- including mine.

It pisses me off because we're each other's only sibling, and I love sending gifts to my niece and nephew (and sent them overseas ninety percent of the time), but he and my SiL rarely bother.

There's nothing really to do, IMO, but do what you feel like doing -- and what I feel like doing is celebrating my niece and nephew's birthdays. So I do. But it's weird, to me, that he doesn't bother to do the same for my kids.

I think Laura is right too.

Why do you give gifts?

I say this as someone that didn't really send thank you notes until email. email and phone calls - no written thankyou notes from me. I hope I'll change, but itisn't likely. I was vaguely relieved when my grandparents stopped sending me money.

I say this as someone who tends to miss everyone elses birthday. I like to give gifts. I give good gifts, but my timing is bad.

some people , it is worth giving a gift to - no matter what they do or don't do. But not everyone.

my BIL A was mad at his brother D - because D didn't do any thing for A's family for christmas ( one year) . I didn't get it. I don't think of gift giving as an obligation. my belief - is you give a gift because you want to. I do have one expectation. I want some kind of a card from my husband on my birthday. But then I think the world would be a better place if every one said 'happy birthday beth!'

I actually already have presents for my youngest neice - just something I saw last summer and thought of her. Like Laura said, I would llike to be a good/fun aunt to them. I guess it's just hard because we made such a big deal about their kids and their ignoring Ellie really hurts. Which reminds me of another thing I didn't mention - us feeling taken advantage of by them. We have felt this way a lot with them, over and over. I don't think it's money as much as they are just caught up in their own personal problems.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I think you all have reminded me that it really is important not to blame kids for their parents' failings. Even if the girls never noticed, I would know that I had been (perhaps) petty and I'd rather not be that way.

I don't have the return gift problem with my sister but she is TERRIBLE at calling or writing to say thank you to anyone for presents sent to her or her two children.

At least once a year the Aunts will call me to ask if she got whatever they sent her and then I have to call my sister to tell her to be sure to call the Aunts and thank them.

If I were you, Stephanie, I would take to at least calling them after a reasonable time has passed just to make sure they got whatever was sent and ask if the girls like the gifts. Maybe they'll get the real point of the call.