Anya ,'Sleeper'
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risque (and frisque), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
Just watched Buffy, and have Dawson's Creek on. Sniff. I'd forgotten how much I loved DC back in the day--I quit watching after they went off to college, but wow.
Also, kinda freaky how little Michelle Williams has changed, looks-wise, in the intervening years.
I just got an email from EM that I have to share. She had written it to a friend and forwarded it to me - hence she refers to me in the third person. She took Emmett and Aidan out for a walk. Aidan is her ex-fiance's son. He's 2 1/2 years older than Emmett and they have a close relationship. They're jabbering away about various things and she starts to eavesdrop.
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I’m tuning in because I’m hearing Emmett tell a story about a red condom he and his dad had discovered on some walk. I’m still cool – walking slightly ahead of these two, but now interested in where we might wind up from that topic. Indeed, Aidan shares being in a drug store with his dad, seeing condoms that had flavors. Well, this piqued Emmett’s brain, and he’s really intrigued by this. This ensues:
Emmett: Condoms have flavors!? Why would they need flavors?
Aidan: Because of all the kinds of sex you can have with them.
Emmett: What kinds of sex?
Aidan: Well, Virginia sex (lots of snickering from Aidan at that), butt hole sex (Emmett is now starting to yelp), and mouth sex.
Emmett: (Very factual) Aidan – it’s vaginal, anal, and oral. EEEWWWWW! What, does the penis go in every hole?
You have to imagine that the tone of this conversation is ripe with gasps, wide eyes, hands slapping legs in disbelief, grunts of disgust and awe - mostly from Aidan. They have not yet engaged me in conversation, until…
Emmett: Mom! What’s the most popular kind of sex – vaginal, anal or oral?
Me: Depends on what you like, all sex can be popular.
Emmett: MOM! (This a demand. Don't try to get away without answering my specific question!)
Me: Can we have this conversation in another two years, please!?
Emmett: No – have you had all kinds of sex?
Aidan is almost doubled over with interest, can’t control his limbs.
Me: (My hand is on top of my head – trying to keep my brain from flying out, I suppose, and this gesture cracks them both up, and goads them on). Yes, I have had all kinds of sex. (Asking myself – is this okay???)
Aidan: Did you ever have the lollipop with the wrapper or without the wrapper?
Emmett: Oh my god! What is that?
Aidan: It’s the winky with a condom or without one!
Emmett: Oh. Mom – did you ever suck on a penis with a condom?
Me: (Where is the other adult I need right now?) I’m not ready to talk about my sex life with you guys. I’ve clearly had sex because otherwise, Emmett, you would not be here!
Emmett: MOM – have you????
Me: Yes.
Emmett: REALLLLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????
Me: (backing away from my sassy-assed self) No.
Emmett/Aidan: But you said….
Me: Guys – none of your business.
Aidan: Ty Cobb’s mom gave birth to him when she was 12 (ready to continue this story line, I interrupt)…
Me: What? Where did you hear that?
Aidan: Hear my story. Which means that I could be having a baby – I’m 12 and a half.
Emmett: Aidan. You will never give birth to a baby.
Emmett: Mom – how old were you when you first had sex?
Me: A teenager.
Emmett: How old?
Me: (I’m thinking – okay, I may not be ready for this, but I started this. David and I never hid our bodies from him, always used real words for body parts, talked openly about sex as a natural, regular, wonderful part of life. I’m not quite ready to get into my life story, but I do..). Fifteen.
Aidan: Wow! [Somebody Aidan knows] is 18, and she hasn’t had sex (this is true by the way).
Me: That’s okay, Aidan. 15 is too young (I’m thinking maybe some of this will stick).
Emmett: (Suddenly contemplative, we come full crcle) Who would have thought that there would be flavored condoms….?
Me: (Seeing an opening) Guys! Look at that full blackberry bush! (Yes, that did come out of my mouth, but luckily(!) they are still too young to get whatever innuendoes one might assume from that statement.
Oh my god, poor Emmett's Mom!! I can't imagine trying to have that conversation without either scarring myself or my child...:)
Oh my god, poor Emmett's Mom!! I can't imagine trying to have that conversation without either scarring myself or my child...:)
Her candor is both a strength and a weakness. And she has been sexually adventurous so....
God, it was funny though.
And now I know that Emmett's curious about sex. Oh, lordy, the teen years are coming soon.
There's a Universal Technical Institute commercial on now. I heard, "At UTI..." and then my brain broke into the giggles.
HA! Tom and I blanched at that one, too, a few days ago.
THANK YOU ALL for all the lovely birthday wishes! I had a nice day on Friday. There was art, and lunch, and many beers, and a fancy dinner. Yesterday we went to CT to see my folks and grandma, and that was pretty good. Got lots of back to school clothes. And shooooooes!
Today, Tom went to Milwaukee, but I am certainly not pouty about it. Nope, not me. My friend moved in, so that's interesting.
Happy Birthday Lee!
Must go pass out now.
Emmett: REALLLLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????
Me: (backing away from my sassy-assed self) No.
Emmett/Aidan: But you said….
Oh Lordy. Ca-RAZY!
Wow. That is some conversation to have without preparation. Jake has never been that blunt about sex, and now I'm thinking, "Thank God."
EM can roll with the punches, though, huh?
In spite of her asides, it sounds like she handled it with aplomb. Go her. It's also freaking hilarious. And terrifying.
HA! Tom and I blanched at that one, too, a few days ago.The "With UTI, you'll..." was even more eye roll-y. I was thinking, "As if! With UTI and I'll be whining on the couch and that is pretty much it."
It's also freaking hilarious. And terrifying.Yep.