BTW, I love the Shakespearean take on the family: Julius, Portia, Cordelia.

I named Cordelia first as a Buffy shout-out, and then decided that their father loved his Shakespeare and decided to make the rest fit the pattern.

I have a short original story up in my LJ, and now I'm working on another one. Which is just bizarre-- I never get ideas this often.

Okay. New poem. I'm still wrestling with the last stanza.

Alchemy

Element 1.

“About transformation,” he said, “what’s
important isn’t what you change to, but
the fact that you’re changing.”

“Now put this on.”

Element 2.

I exchanged the smooth, unmarked
skin of my back for a 6-inch
livid purple scar
and the ability to walk
without pain again.

Element 3.

Cherry dress, bright red lipstick, four-inch heels.

Element 4.

In. I was immersed,
committing myself to
God. The coming out party
for my soul was held
under the weight of the water.

Element 5.

And back out. No ceremony
this time. Just me,
leaving with little fanfare.
Free from the weight.

Element 6.

I was unexpectedly sick,
strange new pain in my stomach and
redbrownred staining my pants.

Element 7.

Kissing a woman was not
that different
from kissing a man
and just as nice.

Element 8.

Now. Changes germinate
deep within, held in
stasis, waiting to
burst into bloom.

Steph, I don't know from poetry (no, really, I don't) but that's just cool.

Steph, bearing in mind that poetry is completely subjective on every possible spiritual level? That fucking floored me.

But yes, there's a hiccup of sorts in the final element. The stasis read beautifully - the burst into bloom seemed a bit forced? Breathless? Literally half a line from melting my socks.

Steph, I also don't know from poetry, but you've got some really powerful imagery in there.

Really strong, wonderful imagery.

I see what you mean about the last element.

It seems like you want to end on a note of anticipation, yes? For the next revelation?

If so, I think perhaps "barely held in check" might lend itself to anticipation better than "held in stasis"-- stasis being a much more sterile image than the others you've used in the poem.

"gestation"? "hibernation"? Some word that would imply hidden while maturing or waiting to come to be, rather than, as Astarte said, the sterility of stasis.

I love that you don't force a comformity of the stanzas, and the crisp very individual image each stanza evokes.

For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?

"What's important isn't your final (or eventual, or intermediate, resultant, something) form, but the fact that you are changing," or something along that line. Perhaps.

I like that it is so personal and yet very evocative.

Steph! That's lovely. That's really nice.

I agreed with deb re. "to burst into bloom"-- would you consider "to burst to bloom"...?