Steph! That's lovely. That's really nice.
I agreed with deb re. "to burst into bloom"-- would you consider "to burst to bloom"...?
To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice, with pie.
Anya ,'Sleeper'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Rebecca Lizard - Oct 09, 2003 7:27:25 pm PDT #2125 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket
Rebecca Lizard - Oct 09, 2003 7:31:50 pm PDT #2126 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket
cereal:
My favorite, maaaybe, is the baptism stanza. Those are fabulous linebreaks.
sj - Oct 09, 2003 7:50:49 pm PDT #2127 of 10001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
Steph! That is very powerful. It is just the last line that doesn't quite fit the mood of the rest of the poem. I really love the imagery.
deborah grabien - Oct 09, 2003 8:31:19 pm PDT #2128 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?
See, I loved that - I thought it was deliberate. It had a singsong quality and also a backbite. Made me quite happy, it did.
Possibly "burst forward, to bloom"? Thereby making "bloom" a verb?
sj - Oct 09, 2003 8:36:02 pm PDT #2129 of 10001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
"burst forward, to bloom"?
I like this.
I would also keep the repetition of change in the first stanza. I think it is important for the mood of the poem.
Deena - Oct 09, 2003 10:14:57 pm PDT #2130 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
I like the two changes in the first stanza, but might change the word "exchange" in the second element, to something else.
It seems to me that, despite the differences in each, all of the elements are concrete and visceral, very sharp and intense, really beautiful, except the last one, which is more expository. I think the last one should either not be there at all, or be more illustrative of an actual or anticipated event than the blooming, which has been used often enough over the years that, I think, it's lost its concreteness and become a shorthand symbol for improvement that isn't demonstrated.
Really good poem, Steph. I like it very much. It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
Beverly - Oct 10, 2003 2:42:22 am PDT #2131 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Really good poem, Steph. I like it very much. It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
(nodding)
Plus, as poetry does, it's sparked much discussion.
Steph L. - Oct 10, 2003 5:23:23 am PDT #2132 of 10001
I look more rad than Lutheranism
Wow. Thanks, all of you, for your comments and suggestions. I'm flattered. And floored by this:
It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
Wow.
Okay, possibly this for a final stanza?
Element 8.
Now. Changes germinate
deep within, ripening
in the dark, waiting to
surface.
deborah grabien - Oct 10, 2003 5:31:39 am PDT #2133 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Yes indeed.
Now the socks can melt properly.
Astarte - Oct 10, 2003 5:58:27 am PDT #2134 of 10001
Not having has never been the thing I've regretted most in my life. Not trying is.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!