"gestation"? "hibernation"? Some word that would imply hidden while maturing or waiting to come to be, rather than, as Astarte said, the sterility of stasis.
I love that you don't force a comformity of the stanzas, and the crisp very individual image each stanza evokes.
For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?
"What's important isn't your final (or eventual, or intermediate, resultant, something) form, but the fact that you are changing," or something along that line. Perhaps.
I like that it is so personal and yet very evocative.
Steph! That's lovely. That's really nice.
I agreed with deb re. "to burst into bloom"-- would you consider "to burst to bloom"...?
cereal:
My favorite, maaaybe, is the baptism stanza. Those are fabulous linebreaks.
Steph! That is very powerful. It is just the last line that doesn't quite fit the mood of the rest of the poem. I really love the imagery.
For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?
See, I loved that - I thought it was deliberate. It had a singsong quality and also a backbite. Made me quite happy, it did.
Possibly "burst forward, to bloom"? Thereby making "bloom" a verb?
"burst forward, to bloom"?
I like this.
I would also keep the repetition of change in the first stanza. I think it is important for the mood of the poem.
I like the two changes in the first stanza, but might change the word "exchange" in the second element, to something else.
It seems to me that, despite the differences in each, all of the elements are concrete and visceral, very sharp and intense, really beautiful, except the last one, which is more expository. I think the last one should either not be there at all, or be more illustrative of an actual or anticipated event than the blooming, which has been used often enough over the years that, I think, it's lost its concreteness and become a shorthand symbol for improvement that isn't demonstrated.
Really good poem, Steph. I like it very much. It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
Really good poem, Steph. I like it very much. It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
(nodding)
Plus, as poetry does, it's sparked much discussion.
Wow. Thanks, all of you, for your comments and suggestions. I'm flattered. And floored by this:
It has that quality that, I think, separates poets from people who only think they can write poetry.
Wow.
Okay, possibly this for a final stanza?
Element 8.
Now. Changes germinate
deep within, ripening
in the dark, waiting to
surface.
