Steph, I don't know from poetry (no, really, I don't) but that's just cool.
Monty: Whaddya mean she ain't my wife? Mal: She ain't your wife... cause she's married to me.
'Trash'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Consuela - Oct 09, 2003 6:51:15 pm PDT #2119 of 10001
We are Buffistas. This isn't our first apocalypse. -- Pix
deborah grabien - Oct 09, 2003 7:01:45 pm PDT #2120 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Steph, bearing in mind that poetry is completely subjective on every possible spiritual level? That fucking floored me.
But yes, there's a hiccup of sorts in the final element. The stasis read beautifully - the burst into bloom seemed a bit forced? Breathless? Literally half a line from melting my socks.
Susan W. - Oct 09, 2003 7:04:26 pm PDT #2121 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
Steph, I also don't know from poetry, but you've got some really powerful imagery in there.
Astarte - Oct 09, 2003 7:11:52 pm PDT #2122 of 10001
Not having has never been the thing I've regretted most in my life. Not trying is.
Really strong, wonderful imagery.
I see what you mean about the last element.
It seems like you want to end on a note of anticipation, yes? For the next revelation?
If so, I think perhaps "barely held in check" might lend itself to anticipation better than "held in stasis"-- stasis being a much more sterile image than the others you've used in the poem.
Beverly - Oct 09, 2003 7:23:25 pm PDT #2123 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
"gestation"? "hibernation"? Some word that would imply hidden while maturing or waiting to come to be, rather than, as Astarte said, the sterility of stasis.
I love that you don't force a comformity of the stanzas, and the crisp very individual image each stanza evokes.
For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?
"What's important isn't your final (or eventual, or intermediate, resultant, something) form, but the fact that you are changing," or something along that line. Perhaps.
Trudy Booth - Oct 09, 2003 7:26:39 pm PDT #2124 of 10001
Greece's financial crisis threatens to take down all of Western civilization - a civilization they themselves founded. A rather tragic irony - which is something they also invented. - Jon Stewart
I like that it is so personal and yet very evocative.
Rebecca Lizard - Oct 09, 2003 7:27:25 pm PDT #2125 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket
Steph! That's lovely. That's really nice.
I agreed with deb re. "to burst into bloom"-- would you consider "to burst to bloom"...?
Rebecca Lizard - Oct 09, 2003 7:31:50 pm PDT #2126 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket
cereal:
My favorite, maaaybe, is the baptism stanza. Those are fabulous linebreaks.
sj - Oct 09, 2003 7:50:49 pm PDT #2127 of 10001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
Steph! That is very powerful. It is just the last line that doesn't quite fit the mood of the rest of the poem. I really love the imagery.
deborah grabien - Oct 09, 2003 8:31:19 pm PDT #2128 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
For me, the second line in the first stanza bugs. "...what you change to". Since you use the word change again in the next line, could you use another phrase?
See, I loved that - I thought it was deliberate. It had a singsong quality and also a backbite. Made me quite happy, it did.
Possibly "burst forward, to bloom"? Thereby making "bloom" a verb?