I'm in two workshop groups, and we've been working together so long we shorthandspeak. Plus I think we've all developed rhino hide. If I come on too harsh, please know I think your work worth critique, and I treat you as an equal. I haven't written jack in weeks, or I'd share. When I do, I will, and l then lay on MacDuff, and damn'd be (me) that first cries "hold, enough!"

I shake my (tiny) fist ineffectually
at (the) 5(:00) pm darkness.
An hour stolen with the
turn of a dial.

Shadows creep into corners
that (only) a week ago
held puddle(s)d (of) sunshine. (or sunlight)

Gloom is the backdrop
as day is kidnapped by night.

The days grow shorter.

The last line is tres obvious and un-needed, but if you transpose it, so:

Days grow shorter
and gloom is the backdrop
as night kidnaps day.

"kidnaps" is much more active than "is kidnapped by" and is a strong word and image to end on, to linger in memory after the poem is read.

Most "the"s, "a"s, "but"s, etc., are extraneous. Just get to the meat of it, and find the rhythm. Very tasty, Teppy. I like it! Plus, I share your sentiments.

For some unfathomable reason, the strikeout html isn't working, so I've tried to make do with parens. Sorry for the confusing.

I like the last line a lot. I thought it was a great ending-- the inevitability of timecakes.

God, I sound so inarticulate when I have a headache.

CaBil, my husband and I are both Authority fans and would be glad to look at your comic script.

The last line is tres obvious and un-needed

I know it's obvious, but that was the point -- the way the poem is structured, in decreasing stanzas.

Thanks for *all* your feedback, though. I appreciate it, and I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't want critique. It's 7:15 a.m. right now, and so I'm going to go over the suggestions *after* I've had some coffee!

Thanks, truly.

Melusina, you don't have an email listed in your profile. Where would you like me to send it.

Whoops - here's my email address: mlipscomb1@austin.rr.com.

Off to fix my profile. . . .

College Essay #2 needs something. Maybe I'm being too "accept meeeee!"?

Haverford College Supplemental Essay: The Honor Code

There's a bulletin board in one of the dorms at Haverford College. When I saw it on my first visit, it held fliers for clubs, study-group sign-up sheets, someone trying to sell a bike. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for one thing.

Someone had pinned a five-dollar bill to the bulletin board, accompanied by a hand-written note: "Found this in the hallway. Claim it if it's yours." There was no signature. It was the single most impressive thing I saw at any of the schools I visited.

At the other schools I saw, anyone who found a few dollars on the sidewalk would pocket it. Campus administrations exhorted students to keep their dorms locked-- who might come in if they didn't? All these schools had outstanding academic programs, and were highly regarded by the general public. None of them were in noted high-crime areas; students there were probably less likely to be robbed than at my high school, where it's unwise to leave your graphing calculator unattended if you ever want to see it again.

But Haverford was different. Dorm rooms were unlocked; in the library, a student had left his leather jacket, laptop and wallet unattended at a table. Everyone seemed to know each other. By the end of my visit, the campus had begun to seem like an extremely academic small town in the 1950s, albeit with feminism, body piercing and much more creative use of hair dye. I loved it.

No other school I visited had the kind of close-knit community and sense of trust I saw at Haverford. No other school was as serious about its Honor Code, and no other school had so many students who participated in enforcing that code. I have to conclude that the two are related.

I would have loved Haverford even without the things the Honor Code gives it. There's a great creative writing program, a library that thrills me to my bibliophilic core, and amazing academics-- the things that drew me here in the first place. The campus is heartstoppingly beautiful. Our tour guide informed us that everyone she knew was geeky, which inspired a happy "My people!" reaction from me. I haven't seen another school I like half as much, for so many different reasons. I live in constant fear that the application you read before mine will belong to someone so brilliant and accomplished that, in comparison, I will look even shabbier than I am. The atmosphere the Honor Code creates on your campus was just the straw that made some poor metaphorical camel fall to its knees with a resounding crack.

Haverford’s Honor Code makes an already amazing campus a place that I despair at being good enough for. The student body seems astonishingly close-knit and involved in the running of their school-- especially to someone coming from a school like mine, where "school spirit" is an interesting concept but has little practical application. I’d love to feel about a school the way Haverford students seem to feel about theirs. I hope I get a chance to.

I'd accept you. But I am a sixteen-year-old girl, and not a college board.

... Sorry about that.

I like it, Holli. I imagine schools have some interest in accepting the people who really want to go there, and you've articulated why you do in a wonderfully concrete way.

What a wonderful essay, Holli! And I'd so totally accept you. In fact, right now I'm even thinking of transferring to Haverford. Except I'm really lazy, so forget that.

I don't think you really need to include your fear about the essay before yours, but it doesn't hurt anything, and it leads to your hilarious camel, which I've grown attached to, so yeah... where was I going with this?

I hope I get a chance to.

I would change this sentence so that it doesn't end in a preposition, especially since it's the last sentence of the essay, where it will be remembered most. You could even change it to just "I hope I get a chance to do so" and it would be fine.