Thanks, typo, beth and 'suela. I almost deleted the post because I thought it might be misinterpreted or be too intense. Basically, I was trying to give my personal background with suicidal ideation so that I could present my "cred" when talking about the relation some suicides have to aggression and passive-aggressiveness.

I've been on anti-depressants since late last year and they've definitely helped me manage things. I hate the side-effects and I hate the idea that I might have to take anti-deps the rest of my life, but I have to say they've been very useful in helping me deal with the culmination of 3 years of extreme stress on top of my normal level of depression. I feel pretty average right now and was posting in a very matter-of-fact way about my experience.

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Timelies all!

{{{Sophia}}}

Balticon was fun. The carpets in the hotel was indeed more hideous than the pictures had indicated. The halls were rather maze-like, and I learned there is a floor zero. Oh, and Neil Gaiman is cool, but we all knew that.

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I'm glad to read that Spidra. I think some people have unreasonable prejudices against antidepressants (I used to be one of them), but until you've been in that place you can't really know how much they can help. I've been on ADs since last July and I can honestly say my life has changed so much for the better since I went on them, I wish I'd asked for them earlier.

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I don't like the "just take a pill" mentality that a lot of the medical establishment has, but anti-deps can definitely help some people when they're prescribed responsibly. I was very resistant to taking anti-deps but gave in in 1995 because I just wanted to get my parents off my back. I took Effexor and Trazadone in 95 - 96. While they moderated the lows, they also cut off the highs and I still feel robbed of the feelings that were muffled when falling in love with the love of my life. I eventually dropped Effexor. A number of years later, after some trouble locating a legal source, I took L-Tryptophan in the hopes of giving my body more fodder for manufacturing more serotonin.

But the last 3 years have been among the most stressful of my entire life. I've gone through things that would have been pretty trying for someone who *didn't* suffer from depression. Once again, I knuckled under to taking drugs because my parents were pushing it on me. I hate to admit I was wrong, but it has helped. I'm on generic Celexa at the moment.

I've been in psychotherapy on and off for the last 15 years. So even when I wasn't taking anti-deps, I was always addressing stuff.

I'm glad you've found them helpful, SailAweigh. Depression sucks.

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How do you distinguish a victim of martyr complex from a "I regret that I have but one life to give" hero?

It's a matter of PR. To me, they are different ways of seeing the same basic act.

I guess that might be why the term makes me twitchy; most human behavior is intended to elicit a response, and usually that intention is hidden.

Me as well. It is applying intention where we don't really know the intention.

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but it has helped.

I am so glad to hear this, Spidra.

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While they moderated the lows, they also cut off the highs

I'm just as glad to lose the highs, because the highs weren't necessarily healthy highs. It's not just a matter of feeling happy or good about things, but about what you do while you're feeling that way. At least it is for me. My highs often lead to risky behavior and overspending, so I'm just as happy that the highs have been toned down to something where I can enjoy things and not feel guilty for my behavior later. So, I honestly don't feel I'm missing anything at all.

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Ah, see I'm not bipolar at all. Undrugged, I rarely have highs and when I do they're not at all manic. But not being able to fully enjoy the human experience of falling in love was a definite loss to me. But the biggest reason I went off Effexor was the habituation. You start to need more and more to get the same effect. It didn't make sense to me to plug up the serotonin reuptake spots if your body just adjusts to that. I wanted to try to stimulate more serotonin production. If I were bipolar, I'd have a very different opinion about the highs being cut off. I feel somewhat muffled now, it's true. I'm happy I have this new job but on top of my "don't count your chickens until they've hatched" approach, I know I'm less perky about it than I'd be if I weren't drugged up. But it's worth it in this case. At least until this particular phase of my life is moved through.

Thanks, Cass.

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It didn't make sense to me to plug up the serotonin reuptake spots if your body just adjusts to that.

From what I've heard, that can be a problem with just about any AD. I've had to have my doctor increase my Celexa over the past few months, so I'm kind of worried about that, too.

As far as I know, I'm not bipolar, I'm just perimenopausal, which is close enough! You would not believe the mood swings that you can go through. Ugh. My doctor doesn't prescribe HRT, so she put me on ADs instead. I still have hot flashes and stuff, but not the mood swings and I can actually sleep at night, so I'm a very happy camper.

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Those Pirates of the Caribbean M&Ms sound irrisistible. There was a coming soon type sign up at my local Walgreens for White Choco Pearl M&Ms that were PotC related.

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