Heh. Roger Ebert has a new book out titled Your Movie Sucks.

Here's the review that provided the title:

From Roger's review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (0 stars): "The movie created a spot of controversy in February 2005. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture nominees and wrote that they were 'ignored, unloved, and turned down flat by most of the same studios that . . . bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.'

"Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: 'Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind. . . . Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers. . . .'

"Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks. But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo while passing on the opportunity to participate in Million Dollar Baby, Ray, The Aviator, Sideways, and Finding Neverland. As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."

I have been appreciating Ebert more and more, and not just from the Deuce Bigalow review. I saw Firestarter for the first time the other night-- couldn't sleep-- and I checked out his review:

FIRESTARTER contains a little girl who can start fires with her mind; her father, whose own ESP causes him to have brain hemorrhages; an Indian child molester who is a CIA killer; a black scientist; a kindly farmer; a government bureaucrat; and a brilliant scientist whose experiments kill 75 percent of his subjects but leave the others with powers beyond the imagination of mortal man. The most astonishing thing in the movie, however, is how boring it is.

His movies are all about the particular experience of huge myths, and while I'm baffled by P-C's boredom at Seven Samurai and Laga's feeling that they were homework

I liked Nashville, though! Do I get any points for that?

His movies are all about the particular experience of huge myths, and while I'm baffled by P-C's boredom at Seven Samurai and Laga's feeling that they were homework

I'm wondering if they saw them on a TV or a big screen. It can make all the difference. I had a friend who was a huge Kurosawa fan, and he absolutely insisted it was pointless to watch Ran unless you saw it on the big screen. I have to admit that I turned off Seven Samurai after only a few minutes, but I have ADD when it comes to watching things at home.

It was on TV.

Corwood, I can't help but notice Kurosawa's Dreams is not on your lists. Have you not seen it? Moving and powerful. Of course.

I am Corwood with regard to Kurosawa.

Me, too! Kurosawa and Mifune rock.

How Movies Could Help The Terrorists Win.

Okay, hyperbole.

High and Low: yeah, the police procedural. I liked how it was about classism in Japanese culture without the script mentioning it once (that I recall, at least). It sort of reminds me of The Battle of Algiers in how it allows you to throw your sympathy to the horrible criminal before the end.

Throne of Blood: I was torn between first list and second. I was trying to save the Massively Great list for those that filled me with indescribeable emotion, and I think Throne of Blood, while the best MacBeth on film, was more on the describeable side for me.

I liked Nashville, though! Do I get any points for that?

Sure, if I was giving out points! I gotta say, I used to love Nashville a lot, but the more really great Altmans I've seen, the less it stands among his best work for me. See McCabe & Mrs. Miller, Thieves Like Us (now on DVD!), California Split, The Long Goodbye for the best of early Altman.

it was pointless to watch Ran unless you saw it on the big screen

I don't think so, but I can see how the big screen would improve your experience. I mean, dig the color scheme and imagine a 40-ft tall version of this: [link] I mean, the scene that shot came from is really the best huge battle scene ever captured on film, hands down.

I can't help but notice Kurosawa's Dreams is not on your lists

Never seen it, but it's in my Netflix queue. I have to space out watching Kurosawa movies (like I have to space out the works of any great directors) to prevent sensory overload.

Thieves Like Us (now on DVD!)

ooh I've never seen that one!