ADA letters go to the DOJ, fyi.

Gud, I agree that it's probably premature to hash out the details here (although we're here when you're ready.) However, it is VITAL that you not let your guilt guide you in the early stages of the divorce. You can easily be guilt-tripped into giving up things that you and the kids need for mental health. For instance, this is not the moment to decide who's the better parent and therefore who gets temporary custody. This is not the moment to tell her that it's all your fault, because that *will* be used against you.

I know that you feel responsible, but as you separate, your feelings will develop and change. Don't do anything now that locks you into your current state of sorrow and guilt.

You have my sympathies, ~ma for getting through this, and one small bit of practical advice, Gud:

Get a notebook and write down incidents in which that woman was not patient and kind to you, or to the kids. Starting with the very upset about you forgetting to get her chocolate. Write down the date and time, and what was said and done. If you cannot remember past events clearly, just make notes from now on (though searching the thread may jog your memory enough to make good entries on past incidents). This may sound petty, but it will help back up your side of the story.

Okay. Crap. My Dad just called -- he's in the hospital for entirely non-cardiac-related reasons. He's had a lot of bad stomach pain for the past few weeks, but an endoscopy showed nothing out of the ordinary, and he hasn't had a fever of any sort. Except last night he apparently spiked a fever of 104, so he went to the hospital today (drove himself, as per usual). I'm afraid it could be peritonitis or some other nasty inflammatory-related disease.

Shit. Cardiac stuff doesn't even faze me any more, but this has me worried.

I'm headed over to the hospital -- will update later. Any general good health vibes sent his way would be massively appreciated.

Fuck. I'm actually really REALLY worried.

Vibing hard for your Dad, Steph.

Gud, I'm so sorry.

No, lack of trying is part of the problem. I've done a lot of taking care of kids, helping her in her projects, trying to keep up on the house, but not so good in the romance department. I don't think my heart was in it or has been for awhile.

I think - and I hope I'm not overstepping here - but just from what we've heard from you over the years, that this is maybe true on both sides. It seems like the two of you have grown in very different directions, and maybe aren't able to be what each other needs in a partner anymore. I don't know what the next step is, but something that allows you both a little space to accept that, and hopefully allow her to get past some of the anger and you to get past some of the guilt. A way to stop hurting each other. I hate to say it, but maybe you can't do that while still trying to stay married.

Whatever happens, I hope it resolves itself into something easier and less painful for you both, and for your wonderful kids.

Aw, shit. Tep, much, much -ma to you and your dad, and wisdom and guidance to all the doctors, nurses and medical staff treating him.

{{{Gud}}} What everyone else said, especially Bev, and please do contact Hec, who has masses of insight and experience with amicably negotiating custody and co-parenting.

And I know we're only getting your half of the story, and I know that the lack of romance must have been damaging -- but, still. Even so. I've known couples, both 3-D and online, who fell out of love and still negotiated some kind of peaceable coexistence. "For the sake of the kids" is an incredibly hackneyed phrase, but I do know people who've been willing to do that, to settle for the absence of romantic love because they'd committed to the marriage, they'd made children who hadn't asked for this situation, and they could see that their spouse was a good and present parent.

It's a hugely un-ideal situation, but it's less awful than where it seems you've been for the last year or so, with your wife needing the romance and punishing you for the lack of it, and not acknowledging the areas where you really are a good partner. From way over here on the left coast reading your pixels, it's seemed like she's been setting herself up for disappointment and you up for failure and castigation, over and over and over, and it's been bruising and misery-making for both of you. Even a cool and passionless armistice would have been less soul-killing than this.

Vibing for your dad, Tep.

Gud, I agree that it's probably premature to hash out the details here (although we're here when you're ready.) However, it is VITAL that you not let your guilt guide you in the early stages of the divorce. You can easily be guilt-tripped into giving up things that you and the kids need for mental health. For instance, this is not the moment to decide who's the better parent and therefore who gets temporary custody. This is not the moment to tell her that it's all your fault, because that *will* be used against you.

Gud, this is really important to remember. I spent several years on the TT divorce boards and heard every possible disastrous custudy fight you can imagine. Almost all of the too-late-to-change-it life-changing mistakes happened in the zone where you are now. Where good, conscientious people felt guilty about their responsibility for a failed marriage, and the other party exploited it.

I know you can't even imagine that happening now, and it probably won't come to that. But you do have to be careful.

You don't want to be in the situation (which I saw many times) where three years from now, she's remarrying and moving to Texas and taking the kids with her.

Things can change very rapidly between two people during a separation and a divorce. Things you can't imagine them doing - they'll do.

For the sake of your children, please get some legal counsel and find out what the laws are in your state.

Nothing~but~an~annoying~bug~ma to Teppy's dad.

Whatever happens, I hope it resolves itself into something easier and less painful for you both, and for your wonderful kids.

This. I'm so sorry Gud. Please don't lay all the blame on yourself. There may be rare exceptions but in my experience it takes 2 to make a relationship work, and it takes 2 to destroy it. From my limited knowledge of your situation it does seem like it won't be doing anyone any good to continue the way you have been.

~~~~ma, Tep.