Narf. I stayed home today, because I couldn't fall asleep last night (I guess I was more stressed than I thought) and took a whole Ambien (I only ever take half), and when the alarm went off, my brain was mush.

I called in, saying I needed a personal day and that I was going to go over to the hospital to help caretaker!aunt. And I really feel like I *should.* But -- the longer I've thought about it, I'm so angry at her. None of this had to happen, and wouldn't have happened if the dermatologist hadn't removed HIS NOSE. I know I sound like a stone bitch, but I can't believe she thought it would be a good idea, particularly considering all the subsequent bullshit that's happened with the reconstructive surgery.

*Am* I being deliberately obtuse about this? It just doesn't sound to me like the cancerous cells were an imminent danger, not when he's 90 years old.

I don't want to help, I don't want to deal with caretaker!aunt, and I don't want to feel *guilty* for not helping, not when caretaker!aunt has a husband and 2 sisters. It's not my problem that they aren't helping. It is NOT my responsibility to take care of the whole fucking world.

I just want to go back to bed.

Hee, Trudy. Too true. Laura, that's cool. I read a lot of that stuff myself, but I have similar concerns about my volume of anger and snark, because the meditation teachers I've met act as if they don't have either, but I'm going to keep thinking about that because if we are born with inner divinity could it be possible I was born to be a pissed-off smart-aleck? I think possibly anger can be a motivator too, because if the events of 2000 had not happened I may have been satisfied to sit back in complacent, middle-of-the-road Democratness. But maybe I'm rationalizing. Tep, seriously don't blame you.

{{{Teppy}}} Get some sleep and maybe things will become clearer to you when you wake up.

Teppy--medical professionals tend to stress the worst case scenario as a result of lawsuits and it sounds to me like your Aunt took that and ran with it. If she is older, she may be of that generation which accepts anything a doctor says and agrees, since "they know best." She made a stupid decision but her feelings of worry and being overwhelmed are, I'm sure, as real and as painful for her as they are for you. I would be totally angry at her myself, but I would probably stop by for at least a little while, since it IS your Grandfather too.

I'd say get some sleep and take care of yourself first and THEN see how you feel.

My understanding is that it takes a while for skin cancer cells to become dangerous, but I have no idea what is the case. I think leaveing it alone , unless it was causeing major pain makes sense... but I don't know enough

I coming here to say pretty much what Robin did but it likely would have included the phrase "old biddy" and not been nearly as nice.

What Robin Said. If A Doctor told her that she had to do this surgery and tried to scare her into it (which is certainly what it sounds like), most Americans would say "Yes, sir!". It's the rare person who says "Are you nuts? What are my alternatives? What is my quality of life going to be without a nose?"

*Am* I being deliberately obtuse about this? It just doesn't sound to me like the cancerous cells were an imminent danger, not when he's 90 years old.

You are not wrong for thinking that a choice to not operate in the first place would be a good thing. On the other hand, if your aunt has yet to accept your grandfather's mortallity (or is having subconscious issues about her own) or if she just is not capable of coolly, and carefully thinking rationally about emotional subjects which require decisions right away, the default setting for decisions about cancer is Make It Go Away! Now! So your aunt is not insane either, just not as level-headed as you. At the same time, it is not insane for you to not want to help a heck of a lot. You certainly should not bear the brunt of helping your aunt care for your grandfather if no one else is choosing to help.

How would it be to do a small amount - like what would be your fair share if every member of the family did their fair share of work in this situation? Oh sure, it would probably not get much gratitude from your aunt, but it could hold the guilt at bay.

She made a stupid decision but her feelings of worry and being overwhelmed are, I'm sure, as real and as painful for her as they are for you.

Ooops -- I meant to say this, seriously. I absolutely don't deny that her feelings are real, and valid, and I know that dealing with this is hard for her. I totally get that. But my being angry at her is winning right now.

Literally 30 seconds after I hit "Post," my phone rang, and it was my cousin who was at the hospital last night with me (and I don't even remember if I mentioned yesterday that she was there, too). She's planning on spending the night at the hospital tonight to keep an eye on Grandpa so that my aunt can go home and get some sleep (my aunt spent the night last night).

Cousin asked me if I would go over to the hospital and give my aunt a dinner break. I don't want to, in all honesty, but I will. I *do* know from hanging out at hospitals with my Dad that it's nice to have company. (I just don't think my aunt is overly fond of my company right now.)

But, given that I live 2 minutes from the hospital, I'm getting a distinct guilt vibe for not volunteering to spend the night there to keep an eye on Grandpa. Which is where my serious 'tude kicks in about my mom and other!aunt, and caretaker!aunt's husband. *They're* his kids (well, not caretaker!aunt's husband, but you know what I mean). They should be there.

I know I'm being a totally selfish ranty bitch, but honestly. I am not and can not be the hospital caretaker of both sides of my family.

And 2 of my light bulbs blew last night. I feel like *I* caused it, with some sort of Carrie-like power.

Actually, In the Charlie Bone books the uncle does that to lightbulbs all the time. Since you spend so much time with your Dad when he is in the hospital - and there really isn't anyone else to help you out, I think the dinner break is more than enough. Esp. If you are going to be dealing with anger ( both in you and from outside)