I coming here to say pretty much what Robin did but it likely would have included the phrase "old biddy" and not been nearly as nice.

What Robin Said. If A Doctor told her that she had to do this surgery and tried to scare her into it (which is certainly what it sounds like), most Americans would say "Yes, sir!". It's the rare person who says "Are you nuts? What are my alternatives? What is my quality of life going to be without a nose?"

*Am* I being deliberately obtuse about this? It just doesn't sound to me like the cancerous cells were an imminent danger, not when he's 90 years old.

You are not wrong for thinking that a choice to not operate in the first place would be a good thing. On the other hand, if your aunt has yet to accept your grandfather's mortallity (or is having subconscious issues about her own) or if she just is not capable of coolly, and carefully thinking rationally about emotional subjects which require decisions right away, the default setting for decisions about cancer is Make It Go Away! Now! So your aunt is not insane either, just not as level-headed as you. At the same time, it is not insane for you to not want to help a heck of a lot. You certainly should not bear the brunt of helping your aunt care for your grandfather if no one else is choosing to help.

How would it be to do a small amount - like what would be your fair share if every member of the family did their fair share of work in this situation? Oh sure, it would probably not get much gratitude from your aunt, but it could hold the guilt at bay.

She made a stupid decision but her feelings of worry and being overwhelmed are, I'm sure, as real and as painful for her as they are for you.

Ooops -- I meant to say this, seriously. I absolutely don't deny that her feelings are real, and valid, and I know that dealing with this is hard for her. I totally get that. But my being angry at her is winning right now.

Literally 30 seconds after I hit "Post," my phone rang, and it was my cousin who was at the hospital last night with me (and I don't even remember if I mentioned yesterday that she was there, too). She's planning on spending the night at the hospital tonight to keep an eye on Grandpa so that my aunt can go home and get some sleep (my aunt spent the night last night).

Cousin asked me if I would go over to the hospital and give my aunt a dinner break. I don't want to, in all honesty, but I will. I *do* know from hanging out at hospitals with my Dad that it's nice to have company. (I just don't think my aunt is overly fond of my company right now.)

But, given that I live 2 minutes from the hospital, I'm getting a distinct guilt vibe for not volunteering to spend the night there to keep an eye on Grandpa. Which is where my serious 'tude kicks in about my mom and other!aunt, and caretaker!aunt's husband. *They're* his kids (well, not caretaker!aunt's husband, but you know what I mean). They should be there.

I know I'm being a totally selfish ranty bitch, but honestly. I am not and can not be the hospital caretaker of both sides of my family.

And 2 of my light bulbs blew last night. I feel like *I* caused it, with some sort of Carrie-like power.

Actually, In the Charlie Bone books the uncle does that to lightbulbs all the time. Since you spend so much time with your Dad when he is in the hospital - and there really isn't anyone else to help you out, I think the dinner break is more than enough. Esp. If you are going to be dealing with anger ( both in you and from outside)

What they said Teppy. The "doctor knows best" feeling is widespread. Going back to bed would feel like a good option.

I'm going to keep thinking about that because if we are born with inner divinity could it be possible I was born to be a pissed-off smart-aleck?

He did indeed note that greed and violence were part of human nature. I did feel bad that in his 50 years or so of Zen practice it took George W to push him to fall into such an anger zone. Angry hatred spewing words coming from this gentle man sitting peacefully in lotus pose was quite startling. It was understandable though because that man in Washington brings out the worst emotions in me too.

I think about making a Zapruder film of him. And when I say I'm an angry person, I mean more like "you asshole" than wanna-be assassin. I'm not like that! But he tries me, and I'm not violent, despite certain violent preoccupations in the art I prefer, and also despite the fact that I'm not "Carry the ants outside," nonviolent.

Lisah, as luck would have it Miss Cass and I have been batting such comments back and forth for some time. I'm trying to remember the one about 'cooking the corner and making it a straightaway like zinardi' and sometimes you go high, sometimes you go low, sometimes you go over _____'s nose".

I think you should call it "The Hero of Canton, the Man They Call Helio!Castr-r-r-roneves."

But he tries me, and I'm not violent, despite certain violent preoccupations in the art I prefer, and also despite the fact that I'm not "Carry the ants outside," nonviolent.

Hee.
"No, my child, do not kill them. Carry the ants outside."
"But why, Sensei?"
"Because that's where I have that mofo buried up to his neck wearing a honey face mask."

One of my happiest memories evah is being curled up with billytea and kristin and cass watching a race.

Teppy, without knowing how the doctor put everything to her, and without knowing the realities of your grandfather's cancer, it sounds like the doctor gave your aunt information but not guidance, and she chose what I would think of as badly, given your grandfather's age and senility. I wouldn't want to make that choice. I think you're doing the right thing going down to have dinner with your aunt. I also think you need to take care of you, and since you didn't feel the desire to take on the responsibility of staying the night with your grandfather, I am so proud of you that you didn't let guilt rule over your common sense, and martyr yourself.

It seems to me cancer treatment choices aren't always that linear, either. Years ago, my uncle was dying of cancer--metastasized lung cancer that had spread to his liver before it was found. He fought it for a while, but when it became clear the chemo wasn't working, he came to terms with it, and abandoned treatment.

He ended up in the hospital at one point, after he had decided for himself that he didn't want anything but pallative care. They found the cancer was spreading to his brain. He ended up having radiation, even though he didn't want to prolong his life, and only wanted pallative care, because if he didn't, he would have had all sorts of horrible things (seizures, etc.) from the cancer that had spread to his brain.

It might be all your aunt was presented with was shitty choices.