When you do get in touch with him, you have full permission to beat him.

I'd totally call his office and leave a voicemail, except I just got tasked to do something urgent for a bigwig.

It's like, hellooo, little monkey, are you only capable of dialing one phone number?

This is what happens when you're helpful. And now I had to spend twenty minutes on the phone with someone who was actually calling me for a reason, but that reason included about five minutes of content. I kept having to cut him off, like, what do you want to get out of this? Okay, so you don't actually know and I need to talk to this other guy to find out what he wants? Excellent!

I feel bad for the guy, though. This is the second time in a week he's called me and I've snapped at him. But I'm having a bad month!

Shallow graves are rarely a good idea, especially if they can be linked to you through legal paperwork.

Perception altering epiphany I gleaned while doing construction work:

Me: Well, guys we've got to dig a six foot hole here. Since it's solid coral it'll probably take us most of the day.
Day Laborer: Shit, it only takes two hours to bury a man.

My favorite Overheards In New York are the PA announcements, especially on the subway. [link]

Pilot: Okay, so they've delayed us for about an hour, people. But it's not my fault. I don't want to be here either. But listen guys...I've got this trick. They tell me to stay put but I don't care. We'll inch up right by the runway because sometimes there's a little window of time where we can go. Yeah I've got it all worked out...be glad I'm sneaky.

--LaGuardia

Cracks my shit up!

I rather like

Conductor: To the young lady who was screaming on the platform: It's not the four-legged creatures you need to worry about. The creatures you gotta watch out for are the two-legged ones. Thank you and have a nice day.

...and it is less likely to make me envision dying in a traffic accident on a plane!

It looks like the FDA is reconsidering the appointment of a male veternarian as head of the Women's Health Office

Even though they back peddled on this, my rage knows no bounds. WTF? Have they learned NOTHING about agency appointments????

No they have not.

The Bush administration is seeking to appoint a lawyer with little immigration or customs experience to head the troubled law enforcement agency that handles those issues, prompting sharp criticism from some employee groups, immigration advocates and homeland security experts.

[link]

Gud, you're going to make my head explode.

Also, they've announced that OSHA will be headed by an incontinent monkey, as their plans to nominate a garden slug proved too controversial.

Brown's getting OSHA?