What sj said. Where they're railroading you is in assuming that living at home is the only way to continue to be a part of the family. This is clearly not the case.

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Do you have a meatspace or phonespace friend you can rehearse these conversations with? Rehearsing this sort of stuff can make it much easier to do when it comes time.

I do. That's a good idea, thanks.

What sj said. Where they're railroading you is in assuming that living at home is the only way to continue to be a part of the family. This is clearly not the case.

My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings, and I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

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Yeah, and there's no real way to say "I want to live by myself" instead of "I don't want to live with you" that wouldn't very likely be steered toward that very comment. You are a good son for caring about this, though. More than a few in your situation would cease to care for the sake of having the discussion over with.

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I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

There's a conversation of boundaries started by Teppy upthread -- I think you have to decide what's more important here, and what's yours to work around -- your feelings or theirs.

If you don't want to tell them you won't live with them, you take the pain upon yourself. It's a choice you can make.

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I don't know, maybe I'm being wishy washy by actually wanting to be a part of my family but still retaining some semblance of independence.

That's not being wishy washy, that's setting boundaries. Healthy, good boundaries.

If you wanted to move back with your parents and have a more traditional Indian family relationship, then great. But, from what you've said, that isn't what you want. That's great, too. But, it's going to take a lot of work to train your family who expects otherwise.

I live about 600 miles from my parents. I talk to my mom a couple of times per month (more if its needed, but it rarely is); I visit 2 times per year (more lately but that's because of my dad's health). I love my parents and my siblings, and I'm still part of the family, but I'm def. independent.

Granted, it's much easier for me because my parents don't expect me to live at home until I get married.

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My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings, and I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

A little hurt now, may save you all a lot of hurt later.

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Oh, P-C. Huge beloving hugs, all laced with frustration that hugs ain't gonna fix anything right now. But, YES, what the others said about signing up with a temp agency right now.

Check with your university, too -- sometimes they have their own internal temp pool (I signed up with four temp agencies in San Francisco my first month here and got one assignment in five months; I signed up with the UCSF temp pool and at the sign-up interview got an assignment beginning the next day).

It's got to be so immensely hard, and frustrating, and you must be so sick of crying over this -- but oh, I just want to shake your parents. I know they're doing it out of love, but it's knotting my gut up to see how they're tying you into worse and worse knots.

FWIW, both my younger brothers went off to college and NEVER MOVED BACK HOME. EVER. One lives in the Pacific Northwest, one lives in Boston. Both love their parents. Both visit when they can afford it, both have always made it clear to their families that there are guest rooms and foldout sofas for anyone who wants to visit them; equating your not wanting to move back in with your parents with no longer wanting to be part of the family is seriously unbalanced.

You're a good guy -- moral, scrupulous, deeply worried about and invested in your relationship with your parents, closer and more genuinely friendly and deeply bonded with your siblings than anyone I know (most certainly including myself -- I suck at that, and I'm envious of and amazed at the genuine friendship among the three of you). I hate that you are letting yourself get hammered like this, that your parents clearly love you but are just as clearly bent on controlling you utterly.

Just... ((((())))). And sign up with a temp agency, and call Deb back and

eta - changed because I misunderstood the lease situation

try try try to work something out. Think of all the possible solutions to the hole this has put you in, think about what you'd be doing or planning if your parents hadn't done this, write it all out, decide what you want and how to articulate it to her so it sounds mutually beneficial, and practice until you can just state that one thing that one way.

And, speaking as someone who is seriously conflict-avoidy and phone-phobic, I cannot highly enough recommend making notes for a script before you call, or even writing the whole thing out.

But don't call anyone until you've washed your face and fed yourself, preferably a treat, and maybe either hugged a pillow (if no humans are available) or pounded the holy shit out of it.

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My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings

You love your parents. Of course you care about their feelings. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't care about your own as well.

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And sign up with a temp agency, and call Deb back and politely ask her why, since you, the primary leaseholder, never authorized the cancellation of the previous through-November lease, this new through next September lease isn't totally voided. A change was made without your authorization, you've clarified the matter with her, and therefore the original lease should remain in effect.

The whole lease thing is taken care of. Nothing is being done. The problem now is I've discovered that if I don't void the new lease (which begins at the end of August), I will be stuck with it for the next year.

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I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt. There's a conversation of boundaries started by Teppy upthread -- I think you have to decide what's more important here, and what's yours to work around -- your feelings or theirs.

I really agree with this. Your wanting to live with them would be a form of rejection and it would hurt them.

If you don't want to tell them you won't live with them, you take the pain upon yourself. It's a choice you can make.

It is also a choice you really have to make. There just is no way out of this situation where no one will be hurt. I hope it is as painless as possible though. Whatever you choose.

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