I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt. There's a conversation of boundaries started by Teppy upthread -- I think you have to decide what's more important here, and what's yours to work around -- your feelings or theirs.

I really agree with this. Your wanting to live with them would be a form of rejection and it would hurt them.

If you don't want to tell them you won't live with them, you take the pain upon yourself. It's a choice you can make.

It is also a choice you really have to make. There just is no way out of this situation where no one will be hurt. I hope it is as painless as possible though. Whatever you choose.

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The problem now is I've discovered that if I don't void the new lease (which begins at the end of August), I will be stuck with it for the next year.

Yup, I saw that, so I edited above.

Gah! This just sounds like such a monstrous clash of your parents' cultural expectations and your own hopes and goals.

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I know there are people who cut themselves off from their families. That's not the way Indian culture works. I don't know, maybe I'm being wishy washy by actually wanting to be a part of my family but still retaining some semblance of independence.

I don't think you should cut yourself off from them, and to the extent that your actions have an influence, I don't think you should allow them to make it seem as if that is what you are doing whenever you choose any option that isn't one they've presented.

You are an adult who loves your family, but wants to make your own decisions about where you live, not to upset them, but to fulfill your own aspirations.

My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings, and I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

Of course you care about their feelings, and you don't have to say you don't want to live with them, even if it is part of your reasoning. Your reasons can be stated in positively--that is, about what you want, rather than as a rejection of that which you may not want. "I like Ann Arbor, and I have connections with the university that may be helpful in my pursuit of a job," is reason enough. They may not like it. They may not agree with it. But it is not their job search. It may take time for them to accept it, but don't let them run your side of the conversation.

When they say things like, "Don't you love your family," or "Don't you want to see your family," don't buy into it. You can't stop them from going there, but you don't have to follow. You say something like, "I need to dedicate myself to finding a job right now."

If you get a job (not a career, something that gives you a couple of hundred bucks a week), you can stretch that 9 months worth of rent you have in savings to see you through to the end of your new lease.

As for this:

No, no, he didn't have to do that. Well, then, he was buying a ticket to Atlanta tomorrow, and if I found a job in the next week, he would cancel it. He had to go back to work now.

This is where you say, "Don't buy the ticket Dad, because I can't use it right now. I appreciate the thought, but I can't use it. If you and mom would like to come visit, you can, but it will have to be after [whatever acceptable-to-you date]."

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One advantage to signing up with multiple temp agencies is that you can schedule their intake/assessment interviews for... say... the first two weeks of August. That doesn't offer a permanent solution to how to deal with your parents in a loving yet still true to yourself manner. But it may buy you some time. There is a balance. You will find it. You can love your parents in a deep, true fashion, keeping them part of your life - and still make your own life.

ETA: Would your parents accept a week-end long visit? Two week vacation from your job hunt is a bad idea, but a weekend away - unless the time with your folks would just fry your brain too badly - might be a good compromise.

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How about this, P-C. You tell your parents that of course you love them and respect them. That you know that what they want for you is to settle down near them, with a good job, get married, and raise a family, but that you feel that before you can even start to consider any of those things that you need to prove to yourself that you can do this on your own. That you can get a job, pay rent, and take care of yourself for a while. That of course it is not that you don't want to live with them, but that you feel that if you did that it would be too easy for you to become too reliant on them. Also, that of course you want to visit them as soon as possible, but that a visit is going to have to wait until you get a job and can reasonably afford to take some time off from it.

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Okay, I understand the lease problem now. That's a dilemma. If you get one of the jobs in the pipeline, you'll move. If you don't, do you want to move anyway? Because that's possible. Scary, but possible. You just have to decide which way you want to jump. Leave your parents out of this decision, it has nothing to do with them. Look around for month-to-month options, since your future is currently in flux.

It is not crazy for you to want a modicum of independence and still be part of yoru family. However, without knowing yoru parents, I can't guarantee that that's possible. From what you have said here, I think it is, but it will take big adjustments by your parents, and they clearly don't want to make those adjustments.

I have more to say but I have work to do, for once.

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That's not the way Indian culture works. I don't know, maybe I'm being wishy washy by actually wanting to be a part of my family but still retaining some semblance of independence.

Two thoughts about that:

1. Is there anyone in your parents' circle who has gone against his/her parents' wishes and turned out okay anyhow? Could you talk to that person, or use him/her as an example to your parents?

2. However clumsily they express it, I do think your parents love you. You might be in for an uncomfortable few years, but I don't see you being completely cut off from them, unless of course you want that. They will deal with whatever you do.

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My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings, and I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

Don't make me sic scrappy on you. Of course you care about their feelings. That doesn't mean you can control their responses anymore than they should control your decisions.

This is the most important skill you'll develop as an adult relating to your parents. You're responsible for your choices; they're responsible for their reactions. If you don't make that previous semicolon function as a boundary, then there's going to be all kinds of unhealthy leakage.

Of course, it's tricky coming from your culture where the child is expected to be obedient and the presumption is that the parents will make these kind of decisions for their child. But if you're going to stay in this culture, making your life choices - you need to develop this skill.

Also what sj said. Go visit them. Do it as soon as you can but do it on your terms.

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I've gotta go now. I already should have left to meet Dave at his place. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, P-C.

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"I like Ann Arbor, and I have connections with the university that may be helpful in my pursuit of a job," is reason enough. They may not like it. They may not agree with it. But it is not their job search.

That's pretty much exactly what I said to her, and I got no response.

If you get one of the jobs in the pipeline, you'll move. If you don't, do you want to move anyway? Because that's possible. Scary, but possible. You just have to decide which way you want to jump.

Yeah, but jumping would again restrict my job search to a particular area, which I don't think is a good idea at this point, given how hard it's been to find positions I'm even remotely qualified for.

Is there honestly no one in your parents' circle who has gone against his/her parents' wishes and turned out okay anyhow? Could you talk to that person, or use him/her as an example to your parents?

The big rebel is my cousin who eloped with a woman of a different caste, was disowned, then reowned, then divorced, then remarried to a woman of his parents' choosing, then divorced, and is now married again. Aaaand he's not really someone my parents look up to.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, P-C.

Thanks.

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