The job will come soon enough, so enjoy this little bit of freedom while you can.

I'm trying, but I feel like I'm not free until I have the promise of a cash flow in my future. And it doesn't help that my parents keep bugging me to move back home (and get a Ph.D., they will never shut up about the fucking Ph.D.), but I don't want to move right now, I need to stay put and get my bearings so I can find a real job, but I need money so I can afford to live.

Temping is good for cash-flow while you look for something "realer", P-C. I know there are lab work temp agencies, my dad's lab used one. Unfortunately, he's off driving Lewis and Clark's route with my mom until middle of next month, so I can't ask him for the name of it for you. But you can probably find one.

Of course, temping does carry the danger of trapping you in an unfulfilling job that pays just enough that yo can't justify quitting and not getting paid at all, but not enough so you can set aside money to live on for a period of not working but really applying yourself tio finding that real job. Though that doesn't seem to happen to other people nearly as often as it happens to me. So you might be safe.

Bitches, I need some reality testing.

One of the first things I told The Good Date was how scared I am of getting involved with someone, how difficult it was to trust anyone, how much my divorce broke my heart into a thousand tiny little pieces. He said all the right things, promised to try to earn my trust, and said he understood that it was going to be really important to operate without any pretense because any pretense would ping my "can't trust you" sensor right quick.

The second thing I told him was about how much I love poetry, how much I like writing poetry, how important the whole thing is to me. He said, "Wow, that's awesome."

A little bit later he asked if he could read any of my stuff. I said sure, and rattled off the URL to my website where I've got some stuff posted. He said, "Oh, really? You've got a site? Great!" And off he went to read some of my stuff. He sent me an email later saying how impressed he was, and I was really pleased. He had some intelligent things to say about some of the poems, which also pleased me greatly.

Fast-forward to today. I finished my last final yesterday afternoon (woo!), and suddenly have time to do about a billion things I haven't been able to do all semester. One of those things is to check the hit logs on my web site and see what kind of action there's been on the site.

I find one IP address in particular that's been hitting the page repeatedly, and I assume it's him. But we all know how assuming usually goes, so I did a whois and matched the IP address to his place of employment. Definitely him.

As I'm scanning back through the days, I find the first hit from that IP address. I notice that the referring URL is a Google search for my full name (which is on the site in small print in the copyright disclaimer). I notice also that the date on this visit is a *full week* before I told him about the site.

So he Googled me (which in and of itself doesn't really bother me), found my site, read my poetry, and then actively pretended he had no idea it existed when it came up in conversation.

Am I wrong to be angry? While it would be a stretch to say that he lied to me, it wasn't exactly a sin of omission either--he actively feigned ignorance after I spent hours pouring my guts out about how dfficult it is for me to trust people.

And if he engaged in this pretense, what others have occured?

I feel like this is really bad. I could use some perspective.

P-C, you might want to seriously consider coming to San Francisco. Granted, the job market has been pretty flat for a while, but I just did a check on www.bajobs.com and found a goodly chunk of biotech/pharmaceutical positions.

Plus, if you already have relatives and history here it might be an alternative to moving back home that would appease your parents and get them to stop leaning on you for a bit while you find your feet.

-t, I think that shall be my plan. Now I only have to get over the fact I will not be meeting you this weekend.

I'm not free until I have the promise of a cash flow in my future. And it doesn't help that my parents keep bugging me to move back home (and get a Ph.D., they will never shut up about the fucking Ph.D.), but I don't want to move right now, I need to stay put and get my bearings so I can find a real job, but I need money so I can afford to live.

P-C, the only thing I can tell you is that you need to do what's best for you. Once I actually did that, it made dealing with my father less unpleasant. It took him a while but he came to the conclusion that he was projecting HIS aspirations on me, and assuming they coincided with mine. Making partner in a big firm in less than 7 years was his dream; I wasn't sure I even wanted to practice law after going through 3 years of law school. We made peace, but it did take some time.

For the first 6-8 months after graduating from said law school, I worked as a bartender and waitress to support myself. Don't feel like you've got to find THE PERFECT JOB right away, because that kind of pressure (coupled with your parents' expectations) will drive you insane. Get your bearings, find a job that pays your rent, and pound the pavement. In Michigan if it makes you happy. Tell your parents, in the most respectful way possible and without sarcasm, that the only person responsible for you anymore is YOU. They've done their job and now it's time for you to do it on your own.

Jen, he might have clicked to your site when it came up in the google but not been sure that it was you. I don't know how unusual your name is to judge how likely that would be.

Temping is good for cash-flow while you look for something "realer", P-C. I know there are lab work temp agencies, my dad's lab used one. Unfortunately, he's off driving Lewis and Clark's route with my mom until middle of next month, so I can't ask him for the name of it for you. But you can probably find one.

I'm looking into that.

Yeah, it really doesn't help when apparently your parents and like everyone in Dallas ever wants to know why you won't just move back home and stay there forever and ever and fucking ever. I don't need this shit. I really don't. I missed my April breakdown, so I guess May is making up for it.

And Jen, that's...I don't know. It feels sketchy, but I think you should confront him about it before making conclusions. Because, uh, it sounds like something I might do.

P-C, you might want to seriously consider coming to San Francisco. Granted, the job market has been pretty flat for a while, but I just did a check on www.bajobs.com and found a goodly chunk of biotech/pharmaceutical positions.

I've thought about that for the long-term. But I don't want to make a decision that big in the next few weeks is what I'm saying. I want time to get everything straightened out and make sure I'm making the right decision. And I want to do that here, where i have a support system.

I need people to hold me while I cry. Come over, now.

Jen, ooof.

Here's my take on it - he didn't want to come off as creepy!stalker!type, and he didn't know how the revelation that he'd already read all of your poetry site would come off - he may have thought that that would have felt like a breach of trust.

Honestly? I think it was an innocent mistake of his. Not that it should be glossed over - if you're having such a strong reaction to it, you definitely need to discuss it with him - but I think it was an honest error.

Hugs, sweetie.

Jen, he might have been afraid to admit that he Googled for you for fear it would seem too stalker-y.

X-post ('cept Juliana said it way more clearly and completely).

I feel like this is really bad. I could use some perspective.

My guess? I think he googled you and then felt like that was some kind of invasion of privacy after he read your site. You don't think so, but that might have been his feeling. So his lying about it was just a little ass-coverage so he wouldn't seem like Crazy Stalking Man.

Little did he realize that you would sleuth him out.

For instance, when I was young and dumb and in high school I had a big crush on a girl and I rode by her house on my bicycle at night. If she had asked me about doing that at school, I certainly would have denied it. I wouldn't want to be caught being so moon-calf in lurve.

Anyway, I don't think it's that horrible. I think his motives were that he's totally into you but is afraid of scaring you off with his strong interest.