Sometimes a Coke and a wire brush is all it takes. Sometimes you need new cables. A good mechanic will check out all the elements of the electrical system for you. A bad one will just sell you a replacement starter, starter solenoid, battery, and alternator whether the old ones are good or not.

So I got a raise today. A very nice raise. I celebrated by buying an iced vanilla latte and a pair of Pucci sandals.

msbelle! Oh lord. That one writer is like the biggest tool ever. I want him GONE. And I can't help but feel sorry for the director. I mean, he's doing everything wrong but in such an endearing way. His whole, "I get to pay my own rent this month," was cute.

Meanwhile...across town...the tool and his partner are having a power lunch at Le Dome... *rolls eyes*

Just got back from Steph's. No SA yet, but very excellent wine, and pizza. Also, oreos and cutiehead John Stamos. (show=so-so; Stamos=pretty) Maybe too much of the first for me.

So I showed up for rehearsal today and discovered that I'm doing a show with John Malkovich. That was unexpected.

Jealous. How were things with the director?

Yay Kristen!

Heehee--Entertainment Weekly has a Top 20 countdown of the best Monty Python sketches:

20. ARGUMENT CLINIC: A troupe hallmark and a paraphrasing of what Python fans are thinking now. ''That's not one of the top 20.'' ''Yes, it is.'' ''No, it isn't.'' ''Is.'' ''Isn't!''

19. KILIMANJARO EXPEDITION: Who did an explorer who sees double hire to find a crew he sent to build a bridge between Kilimanjaro's two peaks? ''The Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Machin...and a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads. The other two pulled out.''

18. THE RESTAURANT SKETCH: A polite complaint about a dirty fork riles a cleaver-swinging cook and suicidal manager. Highlight: John Cleese's gasping moan, ''Oh, it makes me mad.''

17. MRS. PREMISE AND MRS. CONCLUSION VISIT SARTRE: Who better to debate Jean-Paul Sartre's philosophy and burial methods for live cats than two shrieking housewives? The best of the sketches with the Pythons' drag alter egos, the Pepperpots.

16. THE VISITORS: The rudest drop-ins ever, including Arthur Name (''What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung''), Mr. Equator (''[The seat's a] bit lumpy...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat''), and his incontinent, beans-gobbling wife.

15. EVERY SPERM IS SACRED (MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE): Terry Jones' directorial high, this rousing musical number about the perils of masturbation from the 1983 film is Python irreverence at its most elaborate.

14. INTERESTING PEOPLE: A goofy TV panel features a hypnotist who puts bricks to sleep and a man whose cat flies across the room into a pail of water. (''By herself?'' ''No, I fling her.'')

13. SPAM: Thanks to this operatic, Viking-sung ditty, the jellied canned luncheon meat will always be synonymous with classic comedy.

12. SELF-DEFENCE: What's a fruit-obsessed instructor's advice for dealing with an assailant attacking with a banana? (1) Shoot him. (2) Eat the banana, thus disarming him.

11. CRUNCHY FROG: Crunchy Frog, Cockroach Cluster, Ram's Bladder Cup with lark's vomit: This candy selection yields oddly tasty humor.

10. STONING (MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN): You may be humming ''(Always Look on the) Bright Side of Life'' after the 1979 film, but the beard-wearing, rock-hurling women make the movie sing.

9. ERIC THE HALF A BEE (MONTY PYTHON'S PREVIOUS RECORD): A rousing ode to a bifurcated bug from 1972: ''I love this hive employee/Bisected accidentally/One summer afternoon by me/I love him carnally.''

8. NUDGE NUDGE: ''Nudge nudge, know what I mean? Say no more!'' Eric Idle's winking insinuator is the ultimate perv, even if the sketch ends, ''You've slept with a lady.... What's it like?''

7. THE LUMBERJACK SONG: A barber longs to be a macho woodsman, because ''I cut down trees, I skip and jump/I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing/And hang around in bars.'' During some live shows, fans Tom Hanks and George Harrison both slipped into lumber gear to sing backup.

6. FISH-SLAPPING DANCE: John Cleese and Michael Palin prance about, slapping each other with fish, naturally. Fifteen seconds of sublime silliness.

5. THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD: A British joke so funny its audiences die laughing becomes a critical weapon against the Nazis during WWII. Not so the Germans' failed retaliation: ''Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas...assaulted! Peanut.''

4. DEAD PARROT: ''If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies.... This is an ex-parrot.'' The legacy of John Cleese's complaint to Michael Palin for selling a stuffed pet is marred only a bit by a listless reprise on a 1997 Saturday Night Live.

3. GUY DE LOIMBARD'S CASTLE (MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL): ''Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries'' from the 1975 film remains the gold standard of verbal abuse.

2. THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS: Cleese's giant steps are equally hilarious on the TV show and in the '82 concert film (continued...)

( continues...) Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

and

1. THE SPANISH INQUISITION: Red-caped crusading cardinals threaten torture with (gasp!) the comfy chair! Unforgettable for one reason: torture by kitchen drying rack, and Michael Palin's inability to count...two! Two reasons!

Just got back from Steph's. No SA yet, but very excellent wine, and pizza. Also, oreos and cutiehead John Stamos.

For the record, John Stamos was not at my apartment.

As far as Perkins knows.

From Salon...

Woman eating chili bites into human finger

- - - - - - - - - - - - By Brian Skoloff

March 24, 2005 | San Jose, Calif. -- A woman bit into a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant, leading authorities to a fingerprint database Thursday to determine who lost the digit.

The incident occurred Tuesday night at a San Jose Wendy's restaurant and left the customer ill and distraught, said Joy Alexiou, a spokeswoman for the Santa Clara County Health Department.

"She was so emotionally upset once she found out what it was," Alexiou said. "She was vomiting."

Employees at the Wendy's store were asked to show investigators their fingers after the Tuesday night incident. All employees' digits were accounted for, officials said, adding that the well-cooked finger may have come from a food processing plant that supplies the company.

"All of our employees have ten digits," said Denny Lynch, a spokesman for Wendy's International Inc., based in Dublin, Ohio. He said there have been no reports to the Occupational Safety and Health Administration of injuries at any supplier of chili ingredients to Wendy's.

"By law, you can't hide that sort of stuff," Lynch said. "All of our chili suppliers report no accidents."

Investigators seized the remaining chili and closed the restaurant for a few hours late Tuesday.

Health officials said the fingertip was approximately 1 1/2 inches long. They believe it belongs to a woman because of the long, manicured nail.

Alexiou said the woman, who asked officials not to identify her, is at minimal risk of contracting illnesses from the finger.

"It's an extremely low chance because the chili was cooked at a very high temperature that would have killed anything in the finger," Alexiou said. Still, she said health officials would ask the woman's doctor to test her blood "to make sure nothing got passed to her."

Employees at the Wendy's store were asked to show investigators their fingers after the Tuesday night incident. All employees' digits were accounted for

I'm not sure if the author of this article was intending to be funny, but this is making me snort.

"All of our employees have ten digits," said Denny Lynch, a spokesman for Wendy's International Inc.

As is this.

But this (below) is the most surreally funny to me, for some damn reason:

They believe it belongs to a woman because of the long, manicured nail.

How were things with the director?

The designer? Fine so far. I'll be spending 32 (or more) hours working with him this weekend, so we'll see.

I read about that in the LA Times this morning. Is it bad that I thought it was funny, in a Sweeney Todd kind of way?

"She was so emotionally upset once she found out what it was," Alexiou said. "She was vomiting."

Actually, I think vomiting is a fairly rational reaction to such a discovery.