Fuck, man. I'd taken a sip of tea before I started reading that post, and had to purse my lips extra hard to keep it from spraying the keyboard. Then the woman I'm on hold with finally picks up and I have to negotiate swallowing and talking without an accident.

I'm safe, but humbled by the knowledge that Chuck Norris would have pulled all that off without a hitch.

Excuse me while I copy that and forward it to everyone I know that's ever trained to kill.

Here are some more facts:

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Also, Vin Diesel, Mr. T.

Awesome.

A quicky review of Aeon Flux is up over at Chicago Tribune:

Big question: With an Academy Award for "Monster" and a gutsy performance in "North Country" under her belt, Charlize Theron might be tired of the unkempt, intellectual route. In adapting MTV's animated series of a scantily clad rebel 400 years in the future, can she regain her sexiness and street cred without having her Oscar retracted?

Catch it: Acted, edited, written and directed without a shred of logic or passion, "Aeon Flux" is a high-octane, indisputably terrible piece of futuristic silliness. But it is so shamelessly and inoffensively absurd that you can't help but get wrapped up in its laugh-out-loud idiocy.

Skip it if: You want a legitimate, comprehensible science fiction saga that makes you think. "Aeon Flux" is enjoyable only if you send your brain for popcorn.

Bottom line: As a movie that costs viewers hours of their lives and producers millions of dollars to make, "Aeon Flux" is an unmitigated disaster--and something that Theron, Frances McDormand, Pete Postlethwaite and Sophie Okonedo could have only signed up for on a drunken dare. But in the "so bad it's good category"--for those with a sense of humor--the flick could be a bigger guilty pleasure than "The Surreal Life."

Bonus: Not only should "Aeon Flux" top Mystery Science Theater 3000's "must watch" list immediately, its endless opportunities for skewering makes it a great drinking game for you and your friends!

And to think, Joel Hodgson could be making millions right now by getting hired by the studios to salvage movies like this.

These were my favorite Chuckisms:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. [note: Why does this make me think of Shrift?]

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

This one is a modern fairytale:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Every single person I have ever met is now in receipt of the facts. Oh dear God.

Chuck Norris forced me to change my tag line. And I thanked him for declining to roundhouse kick me in the head.

That whole thing is a tagline waiting to happen.