Apropos of nothing, here's the funniest joke spam I've ever received:

The Facts (30 Chuck Norris truths)

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.

When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding (continued...)

( continues...) his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"

Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Fuck, man. I'd taken a sip of tea before I started reading that post, and had to purse my lips extra hard to keep it from spraying the keyboard. Then the woman I'm on hold with finally picks up and I have to negotiate swallowing and talking without an accident.

I'm safe, but humbled by the knowledge that Chuck Norris would have pulled all that off without a hitch.

Excuse me while I copy that and forward it to everyone I know that's ever trained to kill.

Here are some more facts:

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Also, Vin Diesel, Mr. T.

Awesome.

A quicky review of Aeon Flux is up over at Chicago Tribune:

Big question: With an Academy Award for "Monster" and a gutsy performance in "North Country" under her belt, Charlize Theron might be tired of the unkempt, intellectual route. In adapting MTV's animated series of a scantily clad rebel 400 years in the future, can she regain her sexiness and street cred without having her Oscar retracted?

Catch it: Acted, edited, written and directed without a shred of logic or passion, "Aeon Flux" is a high-octane, indisputably terrible piece of futuristic silliness. But it is so shamelessly and inoffensively absurd that you can't help but get wrapped up in its laugh-out-loud idiocy.

Skip it if: You want a legitimate, comprehensible science fiction saga that makes you think. "Aeon Flux" is enjoyable only if you send your brain for popcorn.

Bottom line: As a movie that costs viewers hours of their lives and producers millions of dollars to make, "Aeon Flux" is an unmitigated disaster--and something that Theron, Frances McDormand, Pete Postlethwaite and Sophie Okonedo could have only signed up for on a drunken dare. But in the "so bad it's good category"--for those with a sense of humor--the flick could be a bigger guilty pleasure than "The Surreal Life."

Bonus: Not only should "Aeon Flux" top Mystery Science Theater 3000's "must watch" list immediately, its endless opportunities for skewering makes it a great drinking game for you and your friends!

And to think, Joel Hodgson could be making millions right now by getting hired by the studios to salvage movies like this.

These were my favorite Chuckisms:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. [note: Why does this make me think of Shrift?]

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

This one is a modern fairytale:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Every single person I have ever met is now in receipt of the facts. Oh dear God.