Hmm - would it be OK if I post my version. Still your words (only one or two actually changed) but drastically different order?
It's called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgasmater, I'd be the first to try your basic button press approach.
Xander ,'Get It Done'
The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 7:50:31 pm PDT #6737 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Strix - May 17, 2006 7:54:02 pm PDT #6738 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
Sure, no big.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 7:55:39 pm PDT #6739 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Erin's "In the Garden" Re-arranged
=============
In The Garden
I don't think of Jesus much nowadays; I never go to church and Grandma is dead. But whenever I unwrap a round red-and-white mint, I smell my grandmother's Youth Dew, hear that hymn, and walk around in the garden.
When I was a little girl, Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and me peppermints while we drew in the program. My favorite hymn's chorus went: "And he walked with me/And he talked with me/And he tells me I am his own/And the love we shared/As we tarried there/None ever/Has ever/Known."
To me, that meant I’d meet Jesus in a garden. Not the Garden of Eden; nothing so specific. Just me and Christ, chilling amongst the roses.
t Edited to include Deborah's correction.
Strix - May 17, 2006 7:57:33 pm PDT #6740 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
You know, I agree with you. I do like your organization better. More punch.
Excellent feedback.
deborah grabien - May 17, 2006 8:00:20 pm PDT #6741 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and I peppermints
Erin, and you an English teacher, girlfriend.
"slipping my sister and I peppermints"?
take out the "my sister and" and what do you get? "Church meant Grandma slipping I peppermints."
My sister and me, please.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:00:50 pm PDT #6742 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Well editing someone else's work is so much friggin easier than editing your own.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:01:39 pm PDT #6743 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Which obviously doesn't mean I catch everything.
Strix - May 17, 2006 9:18:05 pm PDT #6744 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
I plead editing sophomore research papers all night before I wrote that.
Obviously, bad grammar is infectious.
And I am off to bed now, so my brain can regenerate. Hopefully. Argh.
Topic!Cindy - May 18, 2006 1:45:42 am PDT #6745 of 10001
What is even happening?
Erin, that hymn came to my mind as soon as I saw Teppy's latest challenge. Beautiful piece. I actually liked your original organization better, I think.
For what it's worth, the hymn lyrics are present tense (walks/talks/tells/share/tarry).
Typo Boy - May 18, 2006 9:01:05 am PDT #6746 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
T!C it was wonderful piece. I think the new organization may make it stronger for an audience who has not shared the experience so much - non-church goers.
It start with a narrative fact (non-church goer, not thinking about jesus grandma is dead.) then a commonplace scent from a commonplace activity (unwrapping a mint) evokes memories of lesss common place and invokes a mystery. And then you've got the story, the church and being slipped the mints, and drawing in the program. And the powerful ending, her and Christ chilling amongst the roses.
I was a little reluctant to give this feedback. Obviously, organization in fiction is a very personal thing; what order to tell things in is very subjective. But this other order felt so right, I thought it might be useful.