Hmm - would it be OK if I post my version. Still your words (only one or two actually changed) but drastically different order?
It's good to have cargo. Makes us a target for every other scavenger out there, though, but sometimes that's fun too.
Mal ,'Shindig'
The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 7:50:31 pm PDT #6737 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Strix - May 17, 2006 7:54:02 pm PDT #6738 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
Sure, no big.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 7:55:39 pm PDT #6739 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Erin's "In the Garden" Re-arranged
=============
In The Garden
I don't think of Jesus much nowadays; I never go to church and Grandma is dead. But whenever I unwrap a round red-and-white mint, I smell my grandmother's Youth Dew, hear that hymn, and walk around in the garden.
When I was a little girl, Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and me peppermints while we drew in the program. My favorite hymn's chorus went: "And he walked with me/And he talked with me/And he tells me I am his own/And the love we shared/As we tarried there/None ever/Has ever/Known."
To me, that meant I’d meet Jesus in a garden. Not the Garden of Eden; nothing so specific. Just me and Christ, chilling amongst the roses.
t Edited to include Deborah's correction.
Strix - May 17, 2006 7:57:33 pm PDT #6740 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
You know, I agree with you. I do like your organization better. More punch.
Excellent feedback.
deborah grabien - May 17, 2006 8:00:20 pm PDT #6741 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and I peppermints
Erin, and you an English teacher, girlfriend.
"slipping my sister and I peppermints"?
take out the "my sister and" and what do you get? "Church meant Grandma slipping I peppermints."
My sister and me, please.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:00:50 pm PDT #6742 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Well editing someone else's work is so much friggin easier than editing your own.
Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:01:39 pm PDT #6743 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
Which obviously doesn't mean I catch everything.
Strix - May 17, 2006 9:18:05 pm PDT #6744 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
I plead editing sophomore research papers all night before I wrote that.
Obviously, bad grammar is infectious.
And I am off to bed now, so my brain can regenerate. Hopefully. Argh.
Topic!Cindy - May 18, 2006 1:45:42 am PDT #6745 of 10001
What is even happening?
Erin, that hymn came to my mind as soon as I saw Teppy's latest challenge. Beautiful piece. I actually liked your original organization better, I think.
For what it's worth, the hymn lyrics are present tense (walks/talks/tells/share/tarry).
Typo Boy - May 18, 2006 9:01:05 am PDT #6746 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.
T!C it was wonderful piece. I think the new organization may make it stronger for an audience who has not shared the experience so much - non-church goers.
It start with a narrative fact (non-church goer, not thinking about jesus grandma is dead.) then a commonplace scent from a commonplace activity (unwrapping a mint) evokes memories of lesss common place and invokes a mystery. And then you've got the story, the church and being slipped the mints, and drawing in the program. And the powerful ending, her and Christ chilling amongst the roses.
I was a little reluctant to give this feedback. Obviously, organization in fiction is a very personal thing; what order to tell things in is very subjective. But this other order felt so right, I thought it might be useful.