I can beat up demons until the cows come home, and then I can beat up the cows.

Buffy ,'Dirty Girls'


The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...  

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 7:55:39 pm PDT #6739 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

Erin's "In the Garden" Re-arranged

=============

In The Garden

I don't think of Jesus much nowadays; I never go to church and Grandma is dead. But whenever I unwrap a round red-and-white mint, I smell my grandmother's Youth Dew, hear that hymn, and walk around in the garden.

When I was a little girl, Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and me peppermints while we drew in the program. My favorite hymn's chorus went: "And he walked with me/And he talked with me/And he tells me I am his own/And the love we shared/As we tarried there/None ever/Has ever/Known."

To me, that meant Iā€™d meet Jesus in a garden. Not the Garden of Eden; nothing so specific. Just me and Christ, chilling amongst the roses.

t Edited to include Deborah's correction.


Strix - May 17, 2006 7:57:33 pm PDT #6740 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. ā€” Ginger

You know, I agree with you. I do like your organization better. More punch.

Excellent feedback.


deborah grabien - May 17, 2006 8:00:20 pm PDT #6741 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and I peppermints

Erin, and you an English teacher, girlfriend.

"slipping my sister and I peppermints"?

take out the "my sister and" and what do you get? "Church meant Grandma slipping I peppermints."

My sister and me, please.


Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:00:50 pm PDT #6742 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

Well editing someone else's work is so much friggin easier than editing your own.


Typo Boy - May 17, 2006 8:01:39 pm PDT #6743 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

Which obviously doesn't mean I catch everything.


Strix - May 17, 2006 9:18:05 pm PDT #6744 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. ā€” Ginger

I plead editing sophomore research papers all night before I wrote that.

Obviously, bad grammar is infectious.

And I am off to bed now, so my brain can regenerate. Hopefully. Argh.


Topic!Cindy - May 18, 2006 1:45:42 am PDT #6745 of 10001
What is even happening?

Erin, that hymn came to my mind as soon as I saw Teppy's latest challenge. Beautiful piece. I actually liked your original organization better, I think.

For what it's worth, the hymn lyrics are present tense (walks/talks/tells/share/tarry).


Typo Boy - May 18, 2006 9:01:05 am PDT #6746 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

T!C it was wonderful piece. I think the new organization may make it stronger for an audience who has not shared the experience so much - non-church goers.

It start with a narrative fact (non-church goer, not thinking about jesus grandma is dead.) then a commonplace scent from a commonplace activity (unwrapping a mint) evokes memories of lesss common place and invokes a mystery. And then you've got the story, the church and being slipped the mints, and drawing in the program. And the powerful ending, her and Christ chilling amongst the roses.

I was a little reluctant to give this feedback. Obviously, organization in fiction is a very personal thing; what order to tell things in is very subjective. But this other order felt so right, I thought it might be useful.


Pete, Husband of Jilli - May 19, 2006 7:34:12 pm PDT #6747 of 10001
"I've got a gun! I've got a mother-flippin' gun!" - Moss, The IT Crowd

I am so utterly adorable.
My denial of same, deplorable.
I'd quite like a willy
Either wet or dry
It may seem mad, but it's no lie,
I'd like a tiara before I die.


Typo Boy - May 19, 2006 7:45:53 pm PDT #6748 of 10001
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

One can but try.
Glad you came by.
If just to say hi.
You're one great guy.