Erin's "In the Garden" Re-arranged

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In The Garden

I don't think of Jesus much nowadays; I never go to church and Grandma is dead. But whenever I unwrap a round red-and-white mint, I smell my grandmother's Youth Dew, hear that hymn, and walk around in the garden.

When I was a little girl, Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and me peppermints while we drew in the program. My favorite hymn's chorus went: "And he walked with me/And he talked with me/And he tells me I am his own/And the love we shared/As we tarried there/None ever/Has ever/Known."

To me, that meant I’d meet Jesus in a garden. Not the Garden of Eden; nothing so specific. Just me and Christ, chilling amongst the roses.

t Edited to include Deborah's correction.

You know, I agree with you. I do like your organization better. More punch.

Excellent feedback.

Church meant Grandma slipping my sister and I peppermints

Erin, and you an English teacher, girlfriend.

"slipping my sister and I peppermints"?

take out the "my sister and" and what do you get? "Church meant Grandma slipping I peppermints."

My sister and me, please.

Well editing someone else's work is so much friggin easier than editing your own.

Which obviously doesn't mean I catch everything.

I plead editing sophomore research papers all night before I wrote that.

Obviously, bad grammar is infectious.

And I am off to bed now, so my brain can regenerate. Hopefully. Argh.

Erin, that hymn came to my mind as soon as I saw Teppy's latest challenge. Beautiful piece. I actually liked your original organization better, I think.

For what it's worth, the hymn lyrics are present tense (walks/talks/tells/share/tarry).

T!C it was wonderful piece. I think the new organization may make it stronger for an audience who has not shared the experience so much - non-church goers.

It start with a narrative fact (non-church goer, not thinking about jesus grandma is dead.) then a commonplace scent from a commonplace activity (unwrapping a mint) evokes memories of lesss common place and invokes a mystery. And then you've got the story, the church and being slipped the mints, and drawing in the program. And the powerful ending, her and Christ chilling amongst the roses.

I was a little reluctant to give this feedback. Obviously, organization in fiction is a very personal thing; what order to tell things in is very subjective. But this other order felt so right, I thought it might be useful.

I am so utterly adorable.
My denial of same, deplorable.
I'd quite like a willy
Either wet or dry
It may seem mad, but it's no lie,
I'd like a tiara before I die.

One can but try.
Glad you came by.
If just to say hi.
You're one great guy.