I used to worry, sometimes, about no guy ever liking me because I showed my smarts. Now I don't want to deal with anyone who would care.

(loving Erin)

And see, because I've always been into pair-bonding - fell in love, apparently irrevocably, at fifteen, never dated, never even noticed whether I was admired sexually or not, much less gave a rat's ass, and still don't - that whole issue went straight over my head, personally and culturally.

Which made it very tricky, raising a daughter in this society. Because she *did* notice that stuff. And I had to learn how to recognise it.

But I still think it's nuts.

I've noticed that attitude, too, Cindy. I don't WANT children, but that's my choice; one of the many reasons I've decided against kids is because it seems so fucking HARD to be a good parent. But it's a personal decision.

I DO have some experience with relative who I did sneer at because they stayed at home...but that was because they were neither contributing to their childern, their house OR the family checking account. But I don't think it's the choice a person makes that affects my opinion , more what they DO with their choice.

Did that make sense?

And, Deb, I have NEVER been part of a pair. This guy I'm dating right now is the first boyfriend I have ever had -- and I am STILL very independent.

So, it's really something I have had to struggle with, my my head. But I have come to the conclusion that society is just about 3or 4 generations behind me. So, pfft.

The guy I am dating now LOVES that I am smart...but he has admitted that he's a little intimidated, because he never finished college. I keep telling him that a college degree doesn't mean shit as far as how smart a person is, but he still talks about it occasionally.

See, I was never taught to pair-bond; it's part of my natural makeup. Nor do I think my own inclination turns me into a co-dependent flower, or weakens me. The two men I've pair-bonded with in this life are very different in some ways and scarily similar in others, but I'm always the Tough Mama in the relationship.

Do I strike you as not being independent?

I've noticed that attitude, too, Cindy. I don't WANT children, but that's my choice; one of the many reasons I've decided against kids is because it seems so fucking HARD to be a good parent. But it's a personal decision.

Exactly, it's a personal decision both ways, by sneer, I meant to convey there can be an attitude of, "That's all you're doing?" and I just think um...yeah, being responsible for the care of 3 vulnerable, impressionable, intelligent, loving human freaking beings.

I've seen people have the same attitude toward people who had a reputation for being smart in school and are now teaching (below a college level, but particularly elementary grade teachers). Hello? Don't you think it's a good idea to have smart teachers?

Do I strike you as not being independent?

There's not enough HA in the world.

"Coffee on my monitor" fails to measure my laughter when I read this. It was nearly pee my pants.

There's not enough HA in the world.

Heh. But exactly. My pair-bonding is of the raptor/wolf variety: fierce and protective. I couldn't have survived the years with Nicholas Rev.1 if I hadn't had a huge measure of independence; pair-bonding doesn't mean loss of self.

I mean, it can, but not always.

No, I agree. I think that's been my tendency as well. Actually, I might argue true pair-bonding can't mean a loss of self, because both halfs of the pair are needed, to make it what it is, together. It's like notes in a chord.

It's like notes in a chord.

Yes, this. A perfect fifth.

I don't think the majority of humanity is naturally inclined that way, or should be. I just know I am - and it doesn't make me stupid, or weak, or less Deb in any way.

Deb, I was -- BWAHAHA! -- not implying you weren't independent, at all. Just clarifying my own experience; i.e., that you were inclined (or fell into, whatev) pairedness, and I -- didn't. And boy, is it weird having a boyfriend for the first time at 33.

I've seen people have the same attitude toward people who had a reputation for being smart in school and are now teaching (below a college level, but particularly elementary grade teachers). Hello? Don't you think it's a good idea to have smart teachers?