This conversation is pinging me big; I've always been the smart girl -- no, the Smartest Girl -- and that's been what I've been known for. Never hid it, always proud of being smart, but that's what I was. "Oh, this is my friend Erin -- she's the smartest person I know."
I have been introduced to strangers by different friends about a zillion times. And it's great that my friends are proud of me, and brag about me, but...but it's only till recently, maybe 3 or 4 years, that it hasn't bugged me a little.
I have no compulsions, illusions or shame about flaunting my brains. Not (I hope) in a "I'm so much fucking smarter than you way" but in a "Oh, yes, I've read/heard/learned X and Y about Z, and I think...." But for a long while I felt about smart the way guys feel about nice. It was a cop-out, a way of saying, well, she's chubby and not ugly, but boy, is she smart! See? Look at her dance! Woo, Go Smart Erin!
And I KNOW, flat know, that I have scared a ton of guys away with smarts. Sometimes intentionally (thank you, Muse of Sarcastic Slams) but mostly just by being me. It's only really been since my late twenties, since it didn't ping me (cause it was ALWAYS flattering, even if it did rub me wrong). I had to come to terms with the way I felt about myself as a whole person -- no, that's bullshit, I'm waxing the fucking apple -- I had to come to terms with my LOOKS before I could be introduced that way.
Ironically, now that I have come into my own as far as sexuality/looks/whatever, my friends are more likely to intro me as "my sexy redheaded friend." Now, the smart part is kinda of a bonus -- like, ooh, sexy, red-headed -- and smart, too.
I used to worry, sometimes, about no guy ever liking me because I showed my smarts. Now I don't want to deal with anyone who would care.
As if women can't raise children and have a brain at the same time. Or that a brain is ever wasted if the owner is satisfied with how they're using it.
Ding ding ding! I can't tell you how many times people who knew me in high school school act nearly put off (there's probably a better description, but it really is almost a sneering response) that I'm home with my kids. Um...Do you want the stupid raising the next generation?
I used to worry, sometimes, about no guy ever liking me because I showed my smarts. Now I don't want to deal with anyone who would care.
(loving Erin)
And see, because I've always been into pair-bonding - fell in love, apparently irrevocably, at fifteen, never dated, never even noticed whether I was admired sexually or not, much less gave a rat's ass, and still don't - that whole issue went straight over my head, personally and culturally.
Which made it very tricky, raising a daughter in this society. Because she *did* notice that stuff. And I had to learn how to recognise it.
But I still think it's nuts.
I've noticed that attitude, too, Cindy. I don't WANT children, but that's my choice; one of the many reasons I've decided against kids is because it seems so fucking HARD to be a good parent. But it's a personal decision.
I DO have some experience with relative who I did sneer at because they stayed at home...but that was because they were neither contributing to their childern, their house OR the family checking account. But I don't think it's the choice a person makes that affects my opinion , more what they DO with their choice.
Did that make sense?
And, Deb, I have NEVER been part of a pair. This guy I'm dating right now is the first boyfriend I have ever had -- and I am STILL very independent.
So, it's really something I have had to struggle with, my my head. But I have come to the conclusion that society is just about 3or 4 generations behind me. So, pfft.
The guy I am dating now LOVES that I am smart...but he has admitted that he's a little intimidated, because he never finished college. I keep telling him that a college degree doesn't mean shit as far as how smart a person is, but he still talks about it occasionally.
See, I was never taught to pair-bond; it's part of my natural makeup. Nor do I think my own inclination turns me into a co-dependent flower, or weakens me. The two men I've pair-bonded with in this life are very different in some ways and scarily similar in others, but I'm always the Tough Mama in the relationship.
Do I strike you as not being independent?
I've noticed that attitude, too, Cindy. I don't WANT children, but that's my choice; one of the many reasons I've decided against kids is because it seems so fucking HARD to be a good parent. But it's a personal decision.
Exactly, it's a personal decision both ways, by sneer, I meant to convey there can be an attitude of, "That's all you're doing?" and I just think um...yeah, being responsible for the care of 3 vulnerable, impressionable, intelligent, loving human freaking beings.
I've seen people have the same attitude toward people who had a reputation for being smart in school and are now teaching (below a college level, but particularly elementary grade teachers). Hello? Don't you think it's a good idea to have smart teachers?
Do I strike you as not being independent?
There's not enough HA in the world.
"Coffee on my monitor" fails to measure my laughter when I read this. It was nearly pee my pants.
There's not enough HA in the world.
Heh. But exactly. My pair-bonding is of the raptor/wolf variety: fierce and protective. I couldn't have survived the years with Nicholas Rev.1 if I hadn't had a huge measure of independence; pair-bonding doesn't mean loss of self.
I mean, it can, but not always.
No, I agree. I think that's been my tendency as well. Actually, I might argue true pair-bonding can't mean a loss of self, because both halfs of the pair are needed, to make it what it is, together. It's like notes in a chord.
