Came right outta me in about 2 minutes. I may tweak, but tell me what you think...
_________________________________
I have sank my white body
into oil-filmed waters.
I have risen, steam coiling, skin silken;
Trailed veils of scent across my neck; down
And through that deep secret valley of my breasts.
My violincello hips sigh in the embrace of earth-deep velvet,
while my scent-proud breasts fight the delicate grip of silk.
Silver vines sparkletwine the pillars of my thighs:
my hair is a burnished gleam,
my eyes a Mediterannean dare.
Who speaks of my lips?
They speak of themselves.
I pause, one foot tentative over the threshold --
One half of me inside, the other
Out.
One part longing for love.
The other, remembering...
I have forgotten to bring my heart.
Erin, it's lovely and langurous and full of delicious sensuous details. I really like it a lot.
A couple of things:
Either "I sank my white body" or "I have sunk my white body". Your choice.
"down/Aand through that (deep or secret scans better) valley of my breasts."
I'd quibble over the scansion of "tentative," but it makes such a lovely mind-picture my impulse is to leave it.
Lovely work.
Fuck, I just lost a long post. Goddammit.
EDIT: Oh, it's letting me post again.
Here, again with some changes:
___________________________________
I have sunk my white body
into oil-filmed waters.
I have risen, steam coiling, skin silken;
Trailed veils of scent across my neck; down
And through that secret valley of my breasts.
My violoncello hips sigh in the embrace of earth-deep velvet,
scent-proud breasts fight the delicate grip of silk.
Silver vines sparkletwine the pillars of my thighs:
my hair is a burnished gleam,
my eyes a Mediterranean dare.
Who speaks of my lips?
They speak of themselves.
I pause, one foot faltering on the threshold --
One half of me inside, the other
Out.
One part longing for love.
The other, remembering...
I have forgotten to bring my heart.
Deb, I'm glad you like the last stanza. It was the first one to come to me.
Bev, thanks for the so-useful tips! They make it better.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. That's how I feel from reading that.
Thanks, Erin!
I love the alliteration of "one foot faltering".
The whole thing is lovely.
My agent left my agency, and now I have a new agent. I'm freaking out a little (lot) about it. Mostly because I loved my agent not just as an agent but as a whole, loveable person.
Lost, now. The plan is to keep trudging through the manuscript, beefing things up, and such.
I think it'll be okay to talk to the editor as soon as the contract is signed by them, get a little more of a sense of what their ideas are.
Still, a bit lost.
