Good one, Erin!
Mal: Okay. She won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she is solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die. Zoe: 'Cause it's a deathtrap.
'Out Of Gas'
The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
sj - Mar 02, 2006 6:07:36 pm PST #5683 of 10001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
Beverly - Mar 02, 2006 6:35:07 pm PST #5684 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Erin, it's lovely and langurous and full of delicious sensuous details. I really like it a lot.
A couple of things:
Either "I sank my white body" or "I have sunk my white body". Your choice.
"down/Aand through that (deep or secret scans better) valley of my breasts."
I'd quibble over the scansion of "tentative," but it makes such a lovely mind-picture my impulse is to leave it.
Lovely work.
deborah grabien - Mar 03, 2006 7:16:59 am PST #5685 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
One part longing for love.
>The other, remembering...
I have forgotten to bring my heart.
Oh, yes. Yes indeed.
Strix - Mar 03, 2006 11:50:36 am PST #5686 of 10001
A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to flee from zombies. — Ginger
Fuck, I just lost a long post. Goddammit.
EDIT: Oh, it's letting me post again.
Here, again with some changes: ___________________________________
I have sunk my white body
into oil-filmed waters.
I have risen, steam coiling, skin silken;
Trailed veils of scent across my neck; down
And through that secret valley of my breasts.
My violoncello hips sigh in the embrace of earth-deep velvet,
scent-proud breasts fight the delicate grip of silk.
Silver vines sparkletwine the pillars of my thighs:
my hair is a burnished gleam,
my eyes a Mediterranean dare.
Who speaks of my lips?
They speak of themselves.
I pause, one foot faltering on the threshold --
One half of me inside, the other
Out.
One part longing for love.
The other, remembering...
I have forgotten to bring my heart.
Deb, I'm glad you like the last stanza. It was the first one to come to me.
Bev, thanks for the so-useful tips! They make it better.
Zenkitty - Mar 03, 2006 1:58:45 pm PST #5687 of 10001
Every now and then, I think I might actually be a little odd.
Gorgeous, Erin.
SailAweigh - Mar 03, 2006 2:37:30 pm PST #5688 of 10001
Nana korobi, ya oki. (Fall down seven times, stand up eight.) ~Yuzuru Hanyu/Japanese proverb
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. That's how I feel from reading that.
Thanks, Erin!
Beverly - Mar 03, 2006 8:28:49 pm PST #5689 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
I love the alliteration of "one foot faltering".
The whole thing is lovely.
deborah grabien - Mar 07, 2006 6:55:32 am PST #5690 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Teppy? New topic?
Allyson - Mar 07, 2006 7:25:36 am PST #5691 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
My agent left my agency, and now I have a new agent. I'm freaking out a little (lot) about it. Mostly because I loved my agent not just as an agent but as a whole, loveable person.
Lost, now. The plan is to keep trudging through the manuscript, beefing things up, and such.
I think it'll be okay to talk to the editor as soon as the contract is signed by them, get a little more of a sense of what their ideas are.
Still, a bit lost.
deborah grabien - Mar 07, 2006 7:51:32 am PST #5692 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Allyson, having just changed agents myself about two weeks ago, I can empathise. It's scary.
Did she leave to go to another agency? Was there a choice to stay with her or stick with the current agency?