One of the things I promised myself was I was never going to second guess MM and his methods with Em. If he does something different but gets the same result I would, what do I care? The only time I say anything is if he seems to be having a particularly hard time with her and most of the time, he asks me first, "Ok, what the heck do I do now?" And then I suggest and let him do it. And I tell everyone that's way it should be. That way, the kid gets different comforting and feels more secure in the long run. Or so I think. I could also be full of the shite.

Nope - I think that's incredibly healthy. Also, Joe will have a closer relationship with her.

One thing that was really valuable for EM and I, was just seeing Emmett in his first daycare (at age 5 months). It became very apparent that there wasn't *one* way to be with Emmett. That, in fact, Emmett readily adapted to different people who had different styles. There might be one best way for *that* person to work their parental mojo with the kid - but that's because they build a specific relationship.

And of course you always check in with the other parent for advice. It's a resource. "My way ain't working. What ya got?" "Well, we used to do the bouncy walk, but now I think just the rocking chair."

Maybe that would be the interesting article then.

I have friends who went the Dad Stays Home route for the first year, because Mom made more money, and Dad was temperamentally more suited to staying home with the kid all day. It worked really well for them, but required a lot of explanation a lot of the time. My MiL made a comment once about how the Dad in this situation "doesn't do anything". I wanted to smack her.

I"m trying to figure otu if I'm gonna work or stay home once the sprog is sprogged, and that story made both possibilities sound terrifying.

They both are terrifying to me.

I'm with -t and Heather. Staying home would make me bonkers, but I cannot imagine giving an infant to Someone Else for a large chunk of his/her life. And it scares me that the 2005 Slacker Mom, sounds pretty much like she does the kind of parenting my mom -- who I always think of as pretty involved -- did in 1985.

I mean, I know we'll get by, with some combination of working from home and freelancing and daycare. My sisters-in-law have both managed with senses of humor intact, not to mention all of you guys. But it's a really scary decision to make.

My MiL made a comment once about how the Dad in this situation "doesn't do anything". I wanted to smack her.

Oh, god, yes! I've stayed home with L. when I was visiting them, and he worked his fucking ass off. Stay at home parents do; watching two under 3's is hard work.

I was Stay At Home Dad for two months. That was hard work.

I think ideally, one parent only has to work part time for the first two years.

It is really really stressful when both parents work full time. It's not good for the marraige either. t /bitter experience

That noted, I don't think Emmett's been harmed at all spending time in daycares and pre-schools. To the contrary it's been really healthy for him, and I think for us. There's a big difference between being the Most Important Person in your child's life and being The Only Person In Your Child's Life.

Honestly? Emmett was thriving on the kid interaction he got in his first daycare. He was the only baby, in a pack of 2 y.o. I'm convinced it helped him walk early, and helped him develop his speech. He loved the stimulus which was way way more than he could get one-on-one with either his Mom or I focused on him all day.

What's amazing to me is that my MiL raised two kids, how can she think it isn't work? Admittedly, for the first couple of years of motherhood she probably had maids and maybe a nanny, but still.

Preconception? I mean, stay at home moms still say "Oh, I don't work" meaning they don't have a paying job.

It is really really stressful when both parents work full time. It's not good for the marraige either.

That's kind of a sweeping statement. The first years of childraising are stressful, period. (Unless you do the aristocratic thing and hand the kid off entirely to nannies, visiting them once a day for a kiss on the cheek.)

Having tried both, the year I spent at home full-time with an infant and a toddler was much, much harder on our marriage than the year we both spent working full time with an infant.

Your marriage may vary.

My mother was back at work within a couple months after birthing me. She had in home care for both us kids the entire time we lived in Jamaica -- it's how the middle class and above is raised. Her sister exported this to the US, and had the daughter of the woman who raised her, raise her kids all the way till they went off to college. Said "raiser" then went on to help raise the kids of two other cousins -- one was a single mother in med school, and the other works from home and one of her two kids is special needs.

Nanny isn't the right word in this scenario, since Donna's part of the family. A huge part. I have no idea how much she gets paid, but she's a stay at home surrogate mom -- she has very little of a social life or other outlets. She's also brilliant at it, and a selfish part of me is sad that I probably won't get her to help with my putative children.

It seems strange in an American environment, but in Jamaica it was much more like a village doing the raising (Donna's mother quit school at 13 to help raise one of my aunts). Not only are mothers asked to be earners and primary care parents, but I think the unofficial support structures are shrinking away, as families and communities spread across the country and world.