Preconception? I mean, stay at home moms still say "Oh, I don't work" meaning they don't have a paying job.

It is really really stressful when both parents work full time. It's not good for the marraige either.

That's kind of a sweeping statement. The first years of childraising are stressful, period. (Unless you do the aristocratic thing and hand the kid off entirely to nannies, visiting them once a day for a kiss on the cheek.)

Having tried both, the year I spent at home full-time with an infant and a toddler was much, much harder on our marriage than the year we both spent working full time with an infant.

Your marriage may vary.

My mother was back at work within a couple months after birthing me. She had in home care for both us kids the entire time we lived in Jamaica -- it's how the middle class and above is raised. Her sister exported this to the US, and had the daughter of the woman who raised her, raise her kids all the way till they went off to college. Said "raiser" then went on to help raise the kids of two other cousins -- one was a single mother in med school, and the other works from home and one of her two kids is special needs.

Nanny isn't the right word in this scenario, since Donna's part of the family. A huge part. I have no idea how much she gets paid, but she's a stay at home surrogate mom -- she has very little of a social life or other outlets. She's also brilliant at it, and a selfish part of me is sad that I probably won't get her to help with my putative children.

It seems strange in an American environment, but in Jamaica it was much more like a village doing the raising (Donna's mother quit school at 13 to help raise one of my aunts). Not only are mothers asked to be earners and primary care parents, but I think the unofficial support structures are shrinking away, as families and communities spread across the country and world.

He was the only baby, in a pack of 2 y.o. I'm convinced it helped him walk early, and helped him develop his speech. He loved the stimulus which was way way more than he could get one-on-one with either his Mom or I focused on him all day.

I'm going to keep this thought with me over the next few weeks. I have had to start calling it "school" instead of "daycare" so I don't start crying. "Daycare" seems so cold a word. Like she'll get lost in a jumble of kids. BUT, she'll be the baby with 3 other year plus olds, so she'll gets lots of attention. And, it *is* a school. I just...but...they don't do it like we do!!

Actually, I didn't give the whole context of the comment, but the implication was that he's always been a bum who jumped at the chance to have his wife supporting him.

I have come to think that day cares and pre-schools are really good for kids, if only because there aren't many other opportunities for children to interact. Or so it seems in my neighborhood, anyway. Even so, the thought of putting my own child into day care is scary - I can't rationally think of an age when I would be okay with it. Ah, separation anxiety.

I also felt guilty for leaving the dog at home alone while I was at work for a long time. I got over that.

A trope I'm really tired of is "If you're feeling guilty/worried about X, you should probably stop." You hear it about alcohol. You hear it about sexual practices. You hear it about anything that has a 12-step program.

The thing is, different people have different worry thresholds. Some people don't worry as they're chugging Everclear from a bottle while parked on the railroad tracks. Some people are still feeling embarrassed about that third glass of champagne at a sister's wedding 10 years ago.

Degree of worry does not calibrate to degree of seriousness.

Take me, for instance. My ability to focus my eyes together (binocular vision) is declining drastically. My eye doctor has prescribed therapeutic exercises. Me? I'm worrying myself sick because two possible causes of this problem are MS and myasthenia gravis. (Thanks so much, Google.) That doesn't mean I actually have either.

Betsy, in a just universe your eyes would understand that they had given you enough aggravation and would just work perfectly. I'm glad to hear there are therapeutic exercises and hope they work as advertised.

Also doesn't take into account that worry and guilt don't happen solely within yourself. I mean there's pressure from society and social norms, family stuff etc.

Having tried both, the year I spent at home full-time with an infant and a toddler was much, much harder on our marriage than the year we both spent working full time with an infant.

Fair enough. A big factor in the difficulty for us wasn't just both of us working, but the commuting time with that. I still think part-time work is ideal for one parent. Kid is getting some socialization. You still get out of the house. There's still time to do a little housecleaning.

It *is* very scary when you first leave your child at a daycare. But you get used to it quickly.

I think the kind of child-rearing ita describes about Jamaica sounds intuitively to me like a very healthy set-up. Lots of cousins and aunts and uncles around too seems sane.

A trope I'm really tired of is "If you're feeling guilty/worried about X, you should probably stop."

I honestly don't think I've heard that one much. Or I tune it out. I spend a lot more time on trying to figure out if the thing I'm worrying about deserves to be the focus of my worry rather than trying to alter myself to remove the source of worry. The fact that I worry does not mean the thing I worry about is objectively significant.