It was late, and my secretary had long since gone home. But me, I was in no hurry to leave, because the only companion waiting in my dank apartment was the constant drip of the faucet that the super could never seem to fix. And then in walked a dame with a pair of gams that were illegal in 13 states. Fixing her bottle-green eyes on mine, she stalked over to my desk, opened her heart-shaped mouth, and said "I need your help! You see...."
"...I'd really like to know more about voltage-gated potassium channels. Word on the street is there are different subunits, and they tetr--tetram--come together to make a channel. I also hear about a ball and chain."
My eyes lit up.
"I know my way around a ball and chain, miss."
"But can you help me? I'm so hungry for...knowledge."
"Yeah, me and my good friend PubMed, we can help you. What do you got to offer?"
Those bottle-green eyes, they'd never left my own. She dropped her voice to a husky whisper. "I'm sure we can work something out."
"Here's my collection of twine and bottlecaps. Take whatever you think is fair."
"Oh, I know what to do with the twine."
"It's very strong."
"It'd better be."
"Mr P-C, I know what an emperor penguin can do with insufficiently-strong twine."
"So do I. You wouldn't want it to disturb us during our...liaison, would you?"
"I like it when they watch."
"Yes, and mine eats bottlecaps."
Ah, the hard-boiled life of the biochemist for hire.
Suddenly, a shot rang out. An albino emperor penguin staggerd through the door and collapsed onto the ground. As I cradled the dying bird in my arms, it dropped a piece of paper onto the floor. The note read, "The bottlecaps are fake...."
edit 'cuz I forgot it was in first person.
"...Beware the midget. Seek out the fat man."
He looked around, straining to hear any noise that would betray someone watching. It was quiet.
"Too quiet," came his inner voice. He rolled his eyes and said out loud, "God. Now I'm thinking in full cliché mode."
"The owls are not what they seem and the rooster crows at midnight."
"Indeed, and these cats aren't going to stack themselves."
