{{Nora}}

I've told her that I"m not going to be like him, but she seems to think it's something I can't control. I understand it, but it pisses me off.

If you ARE an alcoholic, it IS something you can't control, that's the thing. And at early stages, alcoholism is impossible to tell from non-addicts just going out for a beer. It sucks for you, but imagine her worry that you could be going down this path which would lead to horrible stuff for you and there's nothing she can do about it. Parents have an extra guilt thing, because they gave you the gene (or brought the gene into the family) which made you susceptible to this, so it adds a whole level of anxiety for them--an anxiety which is a huge pain in the ass to deal with.

{{beathen}} I know about rotten perfomance reviews. I had my share in the military and as a civilian. I've successfully rebutted a few (one of which was about attendance) and one, I flat outright refused to sign. I still got the raise attached to it, but I wanted to let the company know that I strongly disagreed with their assessment. It's an option. Four years later, I'm still working for them.

The reason I decided to stop drinking was that I was drifting away from being able to have fun without drinking in a social situation, and I wanted to go through social situations for a couple months, at least, just to make sure I could separate the fun and the drinking.

{{Nora}} It sounds like you've managed that quite successfully. Perhaps you and Tom should sit down together and reassess your goals and purpose behind the stopping/slowing down in consumption of alcoholic beverages. It sucks to be at odds with your DH over something.

It sucks for you, but imagine her worry that you could be going down this path which would lead to horrible stuff for you and there's nothing she can do about it

I know- you're right. I probably phrased that wrong, too. It isn't her worry that irks me, but her attitude that it's something I don't think about on my own. Her tendancy to say things like "Don't drive home drunk" when she knows damn well that I think it's one of the most deplorable things someone can do. I learned that from him, very early on.

But more than anything, I just hate the feeling that I've already got this black mark over my head, and it's not my fault, and I can't change it. Because of what my father is, that I can't be trusted.

Not a fun thing to carry around, espcially knowing it will never go away.

My Father's large family are largely alcoholics. My Mother's are pretty much teetotalers (though pretty much out of practice rather than conviction by her generation-- i.e. because the ancestors adamantly didn't drink, nobody keeps beer in the house, thinks to have wine with meals, etc.)

Consequently, I not only have a genetic concern, I had NO model for "normal" drinking behavior growing up. With one accidental exception I didn't drink until college and then I only "partied" two or three times before I graduated. I've only been hung-over once in my life (though I've felt less than my best a few times). I was strict with myself out of real fear -- NEVER drank when alone, NEVER drank when upset.

Eventually I found my "normal". My sister and I joke that those "how many drinks a week" surveys are useless to us since they never have a box marked "five or six in one night every month or two". Eventually I realized that my battles with depression are probably the alternative to my family members' with the bottle. Eventually my best friend, sobre 12 years now, pointed out that once I'd hit my thirties without drinking ever being a problem I was statistically safe from becoming an alcoholic until I'm a widow in my seventies. Now I'll occasionally drink when alone or upset.

So in my life it did go away -- for the next forty years or so.

Yeah, the way we came to terms with it in our very alcoholic family (both grandfathers, dad, mom, uncle, aunt, both brothers, three cousins--all alcoholics, all except two in recovery) is that most families have a legacy. Some have mental illness or a tendency to cheat or dishonesty or whatever. The BF's family has a long history of people holding fierce grudges and not speaking for decades. This is ours, and it isn't fun and it can be terrible to go through, but unlike mental illness, say, it can be dealt with, and once dealt with one can have a fabulous life.

I've already got this black mark over my head, and it's not my fault, and I can't change it.

I have other friends that deal with this. It was easier for them to deal with it when instead of thinking of it as a black mark - but just a part of thier physical make up. Like being short, or haveing diabetes , or wearing glasses. Just something you have to work with.

but unlike mental illness, say, it can be dealt with, and once dealt with one can have a fabulous life.

Not to be contrary, or one of those people who picks apart every post and takes the discussion away from the topic, but -- mental illness can be dealt with and a subsequent fabulous life can be had.

so DH needs more work ma~~ . Things go ka-boom when people don't do their jobs. we just want the fall out to be on the deserving - those that didn't do thier job. Thank you

I hate when I hit post twice.