Thanks, Cindy.

Whew. It's extremely comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with these issues (though of course I know that logically).

One of the things about this whole ACOA mess is that I feel like I can't ever fully trust my own thought processes on the subject

I know this is an issue for me. I'm coming to the conclusion that because of my father's alcoholism, my perspective on drinking will always be somewhat skewed, one way (worrying too much) or the other (rationalizing too much). I hope you can find some peace, and some guidance.

My whole family, on both sides, has a history of abusing alcohol. My maternal grandfather was a prodigous alcoholic for at least 40 years -- he would drink literally a fifth of whiskey a night, no lie, along with a couple of 40s of beer -- until he got pancreatitis and his doctor told him that if he didn't stop drinking, he'd be dead in 6 months. So he quit, cold turkey, and hasn't had a drink in at least 15 years.

My Dad was an alcoholic for a long damn time -- at least 10 years, and maybe 15 or longer. My Mom, for probably the same amount of time, abused the HELL out of alcohol (I learned all my hangover remedies from her, and that's the honest truth) but then managed to dial it way down and now she drinks a glass or two of wine a few nights a week, and is fine.

So knowing that I have a truly impressive history behind me, there have been times in the past when I've quit drinking for a while b/c I was worried that I had a problem. Fortunately, I haven't felt that way for a long time, which is nice. However, I have no illusions that this feeling of calm is permanent. I'm sure at some point in the future, I'll find myself monitoring my drinking, and maybe quitting drinking for a while again.

My feeling about it, right now, is that as long as I'm aware I have the potential to end up at the bottom of a keg, then I'm going to keep a close eye on my drinking, and while that's not a foolproof way to avoid spiraling out of control, it's a reasonable, sane place to start.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, I think because of my anxiety attacks I had around the holidays (which seem to be lightening *crosses fingers*). Having a glass of wine could really help--I could feel myself relaxing. But then I'd worry about liking/looking forward to that feeling too much.

Timelies!

And also, gronk.

That is all.

At the end of high school and the beginning of college, I started off as a binge drinker. I understood that I came from a long line of alcoholics but I never descended into the kind of drinking that I associate with being alcoholic.

The older I got and the more information I got, I realized that my family (mom's in particular) isn't so much alcoholic as they were addictive-types of people. Mom's dad was a SEVERE alcoholic his entire life and I never saw my mother take so much as a sip of alcohol. I guess she thought she would battle the family demons that way. But she never thought twice about gambling. She didn't consider that she had a problem with that.

So I spent YEARS wrestling with both these issue. I stopped drinking when I met Christopher and got kind of militant about my not drinking (but not other people--I was just worried about myself). And I was worse with gambling. I always said I HATED Las Vegas. I would have never imagined myself placing bets or enjoying myself in that kind of atmosphere.

I slowly learned that I could moderate myself. I was worried I didn't have that capacity but I was wrong. The years of not knowing that I could do it were the worst, socially and in my relationship. It was about knowing myself and understanding myself and also finding balance. I'm more comfortable with it now but it took a lot of introspection and beating myself up over it to get there.

My father is both an alcoholic and a smoker, so I've definitly worried about what I'll do, but worse is seeing that my Mom worries- she thinks that if my brother or I have a beer we're on our way to becoming him.

I DO smoke, which will stop SO SOON, but I don't see myself ever having the problems with alcohol that he does- I drink, but really don't like getting drunk. My stomach feels sick once I get anywhere past a buzz.

It's just hard to see that shadow cross my mother's face whenever I mention going out for a beer. I've told her that I"m not going to be like him, but she seems to think it's something I can't control. I understand it, but it pisses me off.

My mother's father was an alcoholic, and she's also hell-on-wheels against anyone drinking. All of her children, however, are of the "a beer at the bar with friends/glass of wine with dinner" ilk. For a long time I was horrified by drinking until I had a drink in college and nothing evil happened. I actually don't like the feeling of being buzzed and I'm pretty much just a wine drinker with food. Amazing what it does for flavors.

I have no idea of Mother knows our drinking habits. I know I never mentioned it to her, because I didn't want to hear lectures. I'm fairly sure that was the reaction of my sisters, as well.

My paternal grandfather and one of my paternal uncles were both alcoholics, & the disease eventually killed them. My father is a "dry drunk". Rob (Z's dad) got pancreatitis from his drinking (that and the Hep C finally killed him).

Yeah, we've got some issues in our little family (like everyone else). Thankfully, Z doesn't want to end up like his father, and I seem not to have inherited my paternal line's addiction issues. So it is a struggle, but a manageable one.

IOW, I commiserate with y'all.

My mother's father was an alcoholic, and she's also hell-on-wheels against anyone drinking.

Given how much of an alcoholic my grandpa was, you'd think my Mom would have been opposed to drinking. On the contrary, she and I have had the very telling conversation about how we can't *imagine* marrying someone who doesn't drink.

So today, there's a client who needed to be called about some merch increasing in value, which meant it wouldn't be shipped for a while. There was a meeting about something else entirely, and boss had put off most calls until after the meeting because most of them had to do with the meeting. I reminded him to call the client and he got testy "I told you I'm making calls after the meeting Heather."

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I think you might want to think about rebutting the attendance portion of your evaluation. It's documented, and your boss can't mark you down in that area, just because he's dissatisfied with your performance in other areas. How big is the company? Is there a human resources department?

The company is pretty big so they do have HR. I think this review is mostly to evaluate my performance to determine whether or not I get a pay raise. I did mention the rating to my boss when he was presenting it to me but I didn't want to fight it at that moment. Instead of complaining to someone I think I'll just keep a record of my own attendance as proof. Right now, I don't care about anything but keeping this job.

{{{Nora}}}