Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.

Well, I'm not trying to get the place completely baby-safe in one day. It's more a goal for when she's able to walk well, which I expect is still a month or two away at the earliest. So far she's just cruising and hasn't really tried to let go, but I want to be ready when the time comes. So I'm trying to do a little every day.

This whole week has just been pear-shaped and chaotic, after the first two weeks of January got off to such a promising start. So I think I'm stressing more than I should just because I thought I'd finally Figured It All Out, and falling behind just blindsided me.

I need to do the client work so I won't fall behind on the project. And I need to keep pushing on my own writing, because realizing I needed to change my viewpoint character for a third of the first chapter means I'm really going to have to push to make my page goal for the month. Which I was actually running ahead of schedule for until this week.

Anyway. Right now I'm eating lunch. When I'm done, I'm going to do as much client work as I can while she sleeps. And I'm going to let her sleep as long as she wants to, even though she's due for a feeding. She's a big, healthy girl. It won't hurt to delay or even miss a meal on occasion.

I'm not a parent, so you can tell me to mind my own damn business, but Susan, why are you creating so much stress for yourself? Why are you expecting yourself to accomplish amounts of work every day that would be daunting to people without kids?

Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.

Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.

And this is worth the stress and the frustrations that happen on a regular basis?

Yes. Because I had just as much stress when I was in my old job, only it was worse because I didn't even enjoy or have any investment in what I was doing.

Annabel is a fast-learning baby. I'm sure she's intent on practicing all her new-found abilities. Sleeping falls last on her list. It's pretty common. Add that to cold crankiness and you're staring down a double-barrel of crazy making.

It won't hurt to delay or even miss a meal on occasion.

Heh. Owen and I totally skipped lunch today. His morning nap occurred earlier than usual, so he ended up with a late morning snack and then I had to go to the grocery. I made up for it with a bottle (which is one thing that is still convenient--you can always make up for a missed meal with a bottle at this age) and a hearty afternoon snack.

Mom may get to go home tonight. They're probably going to have to schedule her bypass for next week since she currently has bronchitis on top of everything else. It's not an emergency situation, which is good. And I can go up there and be with her. This makes me feel calmer about the situation.

Also, I bought a TON of fresh produce at the grocery. I am craving fresh fruit like crazy. I always do at this time of year--when the quality is iffy, availability is limited and the prices are outrageous. Figures.

And this is worth the stress and the frustrations that happen on a regular basis?

Yes. Because I had just as much stress when I was in my old job, only it was worse because I didn't even enjoy or have any investment in what I was doing.

Fair enough.

I mean, really. What am I supposed to do? Go back and get another dead-end job doing work that bores me, and where I'll be filled with seething resentment because I have to work under someone I can't respect? Stop writing?

ETA x-posted

Go back and get another dead-end job doing work that bores me, and where I'll be filled with seething resentment because I have to work under someone I can't respect?

Perhaps you could reevaluate your options.

Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.

Susan, This was much the reality of my life last year, too. I viewed last year as the first year of my freelance life. The one thing we all have to go through when going freelance is that the first few years are going to suck beyond the telling of it. But if you work at it, it will get better. It's already getting better for me, though I fully expect this year to be very hard, too. But not as hard as last year.

It will probably be the same for you -- this year will be better, but still difficult. Which is maybe not so good info for keeping the stress down, but hopefully is enough to keep you from letting yourself feel unjustified as a self-employed person, even if you don't achieve all your personal business goals for the year. It's good to set goals, but don't judge yourself harshly if you don't achieve those. Just ask yourself if you improved from the year before.

Just, you know, my attempt at encouragement. Probably as much for myself as for you.

Perhaps you could reevaluate your options.

This. This is all I meant. You just seem to be stressed so often, and it all seems to come from a long list of things that you have decided that you MUST DO. But the world isn't going to end if you fall short on your monthly writing goal, or if you have to compromise on what to do to earn income for the time being.

You just seem so stressed, is all. You set up multiple difficult goals and then declare yourself a bad mommy/writer/freelancer/etc. when you don't reach every one of those goals every single day.

I just hate seeing you so stressed, but it seems like you've created a situation where the options are stress or world-ending. And I don't think it's that black-and-white.