Baby won't stop crying.

Mother going slowly insane.

Maybe not so slowly.

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Connie, that does sound fascinating. It's like historical detective work! Very cool.

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I'm having fun playing with my new hair. I can wash, style, and blow-dry in less than 20 minutes! The washing alone used to take about 10, and blow-drying at least 15 or 20.

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cereal:

Susan, can you try some Tylenol or ibuprofen? Even if she doesn't have a fever, it could be teeth or ears, both of which make for pain and major crankiness.

Or try something completely different, like giving her a bath. Anything that she enjoys that will get her attention for a bit.

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This is getting me back into the can't-win, terrible mother, terrible writer, terrible freelancer loop I had such trouble with a few months ago. Because I was sluggish out of the gate this morning, so all I've really done is return one phone call, get dinner into the crockpot, and load the dishwasher.

I wanted to have done at least an hour, preferably two, of billable work on my new grant writing project before lunch, but due to being sluggish I wasn't ready to start until after 11:00. And due to Princess Won't! Stop! Screaming!, I haven't been able to start.

So I'm a terrible mother because my baby is crying and I'm afraid I don't hold her enough, nor give her enough time when she's truly free to roam--no playpen, no exersaucer. And yet I'm also a terrible writer/freelancer because I've barely done a damn thing all week, and I can't figure out how to make this stuff balance. And I've GOT to squeeze 2-3 billable hours into this day somehow. And some real writing. And work some more on getting this place in good enough order that the gated-off living room isn't the only safe place for Annabel to roam, because we have no computer in there and I therefore can't do much work then.

What we really need is a laptop with wireless net access, but that involves money...

Now she's quiet, but she's just sitting there in the playpen looking exhausted and depressed.

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Susan,

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER.

Sometimes babies scream and you can't figure out why. It sucks. It makes you wish you'd never said you could handle this. And it doesn't last forever.

It would happen to Mother Theresa, if she raised babies. Until they invent status readouts for babies, it will continue to happen.

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OK. She's asleep. I'm taking deep breaths, feeling blood pressure go down, hoping it'll last longer than five minutes.

This is how she is when she's sleepy now--she'll fight it for 30 minutes, an hour, with much screaming. I hope this doesn't last long, because it's driving me stark raving mad.

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This is how she is when she's sleepy now

The joys of a new developmental stage. She's probably beginning to understand that she's tired, but that tired means *not* roaming, and not playing, and not being with Mommy. Which means she'll fight it for all she's worth.

But it, too, shall pass.

And balance~ma to you, because I know so very well how hard it is to try to get everything done.

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Because I was sluggish out of the gate this morning, so all I've really done is return one phone call, get dinner into the crockpot, and load the dishwasher.

Susan, sweetie it's only a little after noon in your neck of the woods and you have a sick baby. How much could you get done.

So I'm a terrible mother because my baby is crying and I'm afraid I don't hold her enough, nor give her enough time when she's truly free to roam--no playpen, no exersaucer. And yet I'm also a terrible writer/freelancer because I've barely done a damn thing all week, and I can't figure out how to make this stuff balance.

I don't know if/how well this will work for you, but when I was consulting when Ben was just about Annabel's age, I played with and tended to him first. I found when I did that, he was then happier to let me do the other things I needed to do.

And I've GOT to squeeze 2-3 billable hours into this day somehow.

What happens if you don't? What happens if you take an Annabel-is-sick day? I honestly don't know what you've got for a commitment, so maybe you can't. But if you can, maybe you can take some of the pressure off of yourself.

And some real writing.

This isn't so much an "I've got" as an "I want". Somedays you can, and some days you can't. I hope you find time, but some jobs don't lend themselves well to "I've got". My father was a carpenter. There were days he was scheduled to strip someone's roof, but couldn't because it was raining, you know?

And work some more on getting this place in good enough order that the gated-off living room isn't the only safe place for Annabel to roam, because we have no computer in there and I therefore can't do much work then.

Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.

First do what you have to do, then if there's time left, split it between doing what you would like to do, and what you know you ought to do, to make things better. Some of the "what you would like to do" ought to include some down time for you.

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Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.

I'm not a parent, so you can tell me to mind my own damn business, but Susan, why are you creating so much stress for yourself? Why are you expecting yourself to accomplish amounts of work every day that would be daunting to people without kids?

I don't know what it's like to be a parent, but I do know what it's like to create unreasonable demands on yourself. When you do that, you're setting yourself up for frustration and higher blood pressure. It's like you aren't giving yourself any breathing room, mentally speaking. And what is that accomplishing? Your baby girl wants a mama who isn't so stressed.

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