Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.

Susan, This was much the reality of my life last year, too. I viewed last year as the first year of my freelance life. The one thing we all have to go through when going freelance is that the first few years are going to suck beyond the telling of it. But if you work at it, it will get better. It's already getting better for me, though I fully expect this year to be very hard, too. But not as hard as last year.

It will probably be the same for you -- this year will be better, but still difficult. Which is maybe not so good info for keeping the stress down, but hopefully is enough to keep you from letting yourself feel unjustified as a self-employed person, even if you don't achieve all your personal business goals for the year. It's good to set goals, but don't judge yourself harshly if you don't achieve those. Just ask yourself if you improved from the year before.

Just, you know, my attempt at encouragement. Probably as much for myself as for you.

Perhaps you could reevaluate your options.

This. This is all I meant. You just seem to be stressed so often, and it all seems to come from a long list of things that you have decided that you MUST DO. But the world isn't going to end if you fall short on your monthly writing goal, or if you have to compromise on what to do to earn income for the time being.

You just seem so stressed, is all. You set up multiple difficult goals and then declare yourself a bad mommy/writer/freelancer/etc. when you don't reach every one of those goals every single day.

I just hate seeing you so stressed, but it seems like you've created a situation where the options are stress or world-ending. And I don't think it's that black-and-white.

I mean, really. What am I supposed to do? Go back and get another dead-end job doing work that bores me, and where I'll be filled with seething resentment because I have to work under someone I can't respect? Stop writing?

No. But remember that your self-imposed deadlines are self-imposed, and if you don't make them, it's okay. Driving yourself crazy because you don't have as many pages written by now as you thought you would is not necessary. I'm not saying let your writing take a backseat to everything else you have to do, just don't make yourself miserable in the name of being happy.

Glad to hear your mom is not in an emergency situation, Cashmere. I hope she takes this opportunity to start taking better care of herself all around.

And the thing is, I really think the reason I flew off the handle just now, other than the screaming, which after more than five minutes really starts getting to you, especially if you've been spoiled by what was previously an easygoing, non-fussy baby, is that the first half of this month went so damn well. I was productive and felt like I had a good balance of work, family, and play. So I was patting myself on the back for finally having found just the right combination of scheduling and flexibility to Make Everything Work.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

Pretty much.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

I've had to make this the mantra of my life.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

There you go! That's much less stress-causing.

Really, I'm not trying to be a bitch; I just hate seeing you so stressed. You deserve to be un-stressed and enjoying your baby, your hubby, and your work.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

I've had to make this the mantra of my life.

Dude, that's a pretty decent mantra. Sometimes the bear blahblah.

It will probably be the same for you -- this year will be better, but still difficult. Which is maybe not so good info for keeping the stress down, but hopefully is enough to keep you from letting yourself feel unjustified as a self-employed person, even if you don't achieve all your personal business goals for the year. It's good to set goals, but don't judge yourself harshly if you don't achieve those. Just ask yourself if you improved from the year before.

Thanks, Sean. That helps.

I just hate seeing you so stressed, but it seems like you've created a situation where the options are stress or world-ending. And I don't think it's that black-and-white.

I know. It's just that I finally, FINALLY, know what I want to do, and I don't want to say it's OK if I get a regular job, or even it's OK if I can't finish the novel on or around the goal date I've set for myself (which is tied to the next time I'll have a good opportunity to schmooze with editors and agents), because, dammit, it took me so long to get to this point. I don't want to turn my back on it now.

Maybe the real lesson here is that everything really is OK, and I just need to accept that sometimes shitty weeks happen. This doesn't undo the last two weeks, and in the long run it'll balance out.

That sounds right to me. (eta: incessant baby crying is of the crazy making. between the noise and the wanting desperately to make it better but not being able to, oit really sucks)