Because I was sluggish out of the gate this morning, so all I've really done is return one phone call, get dinner into the crockpot, and load the dishwasher.
Susan, sweetie it's only a little after noon in your neck of the woods and you have a sick baby. How much could you get done.
So I'm a terrible mother because my baby is crying and I'm afraid I don't hold her enough, nor give her enough time when she's truly free to roam--no playpen, no exersaucer. And yet I'm also a terrible writer/freelancer because I've barely done a damn thing all week, and I can't figure out how to make this stuff balance.
I don't know if/how well this will work for you, but when I was consulting when Ben was just about Annabel's age, I played with and tended to him first. I found when I did that, he was then happier to let me do the other things I needed to do.
And I've GOT to squeeze 2-3 billable hours into this day somehow.
What happens if you don't? What happens if you take an Annabel-is-sick day? I honestly don't know what you've got for a commitment, so maybe you can't. But if you can, maybe you can take some of the pressure off of yourself.
And some real writing.
This isn't so much an "I've got" as an "I want". Somedays you can, and some days you can't. I hope you find time, but some jobs don't lend themselves well to "I've got". My father was a carpenter. There were days he was scheduled to strip someone's roof, but couldn't because it was raining, you know?
And work some more on getting this place in good enough order that the gated-off living room isn't the only safe place for Annabel to roam, because we have no computer in there and I therefore can't do much work then.
Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.
First do what you have to do, then if there's time left, split it between doing what you would like to do, and what you know you ought to do, to make things better. Some of the "what you would like to do" ought to include some down time for you.
Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.
I'm not a parent, so you can tell me to mind my own damn business, but Susan, why are you creating so much stress for yourself? Why are you expecting yourself to accomplish amounts of work every day that would be daunting to people without kids?
I don't know what it's like to be a parent, but I do know what it's like to create unreasonable demands on yourself. When you do that, you're setting yourself up for frustration and higher blood pressure. It's like you aren't giving yourself any breathing room, mentally speaking. And what is that accomplishing? Your baby girl wants a mama who isn't so stressed.
Okay, this is putting big huge pressure on yourself. Nobody, not even you can do all of these things (tend to sick baby, squeeze in 3 billable hours, do real writing, and order the whole apartment such that it is baby safe) in one day.
Well, I'm not trying to get the place completely baby-safe in one day. It's more a goal for when she's able to walk well, which I expect is still a month or two away at the earliest. So far she's just cruising and hasn't really tried to let go, but I want to be ready when the time comes. So I'm trying to do a little every day.
This whole week has just been pear-shaped and chaotic, after the first two weeks of January got off to such a promising start. So I think I'm stressing more than I should just because I thought I'd finally Figured It All Out, and falling behind just blindsided me.
I need to do the client work so I won't fall behind on the project. And I need to keep pushing on my own writing, because realizing I needed to change my viewpoint character for a third of the first chapter means I'm really going to have to push to make my page goal for the month. Which I was actually running
ahead
of schedule for until this week.
Anyway. Right now I'm eating lunch. When I'm done, I'm going to do as much client work as I can while she sleeps. And I'm going to let her sleep as long as she wants to, even though she's due for a feeding. She's a big, healthy girl. It won't hurt to delay or even miss a meal on occasion.
I'm not a parent, so you can tell me to mind my own damn business, but Susan, why are you creating so much stress for yourself? Why are you expecting yourself to accomplish amounts of work every day that would be daunting to people without kids?
Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.
Because I need to make more money than I did last year to justify my existence as a self-employed person. I don't want to go back to office work. Not ever. So I have to make money. And I have to write, because otherwise I'm just treading water.
And this is worth the stress and the frustrations that happen on a regular basis?
Yes. Because I had just as much stress when I was in my old job, only it was worse because I didn't even enjoy or have any investment in what I was doing.
Annabel is a fast-learning baby. I'm sure she's intent on practicing all her new-found abilities. Sleeping falls last on her list. It's pretty common. Add that to cold crankiness and you're staring down a double-barrel of crazy making.
It won't hurt to delay or even miss a meal on occasion.
Heh. Owen and I totally skipped lunch today. His morning nap occurred earlier than usual, so he ended up with a late morning snack and then I had to go to the grocery. I made up for it with a bottle (which is one thing that is still convenient--you can always make up for a missed meal with a bottle at this age) and a hearty afternoon snack.
Mom may get to go home tonight. They're probably going to have to schedule her bypass for next week since she currently has bronchitis on top of everything else. It's not an emergency situation, which is good. And I can go up there and be with her. This makes me feel calmer about the situation.
Also, I bought a TON of fresh produce at the grocery. I am craving fresh fruit like crazy. I always do at this time of year--when the quality is iffy, availability is limited and the prices are outrageous. Figures.
And this is worth the stress and the frustrations that happen on a regular basis?
Yes. Because I had just as much stress when I was in my old job, only it was worse because I didn't even enjoy or have any investment in what I was doing.
Fair enough.
I mean, really. What am I supposed to do? Go back and get another dead-end job doing work that bores me, and where I'll be filled with seething resentment because I have to work under someone I can't respect? Stop writing?
ETA x-posted
Go back and get another dead-end job doing work that bores me, and where I'll be filled with seething resentment because I have to work under someone I can't respect?
Perhaps you could reevaluate your options.
