Nora made me smile.

Aww, Nora...

Also, I went back and read part of the old thread so, aww, Buffistas...

Dear 2004,

Wow. You were a scary, scary year. You were the first full year of us being our own organization, and we did not keel over or go under or any other prepositional activity that means not survive. Thanks for that.

In work, you brought us tons of kids and brought us closer to them. Good, but painful. With you came another suicide and at least one more attempt. I'll never get used to that, and yet, it likely won't be the last. But you brought a lot of joy, too, and many noisy days. You were tiring, but in the end, positive.

In family, you brought us a happy healthy niece and nephew. You saw my "retired" parents working hard but still enjoying their coffee farm in Hawaii. You brought us closer to our family in Indiana, even though the distance is farther.

In friends, you brought news to our dear friends that they had conceived, after many years of trying. Unfortunately, you also brought economic problems and health problems to many of our friends. Shame on you.

In the world scene, well, not so good, 2004. Let's get working on that, shall we?

In personal life, you brought us an eleventh year of wedded bliss. I still don't know how two such lost souls found each other, but I'm so glad we did. Also, you brought us a continued happy Seabiscuit, and a litter of kitties, who after much trauma, have almost all been adopted out.

On the whole, not too damned bad, 2004.

Now about you, 2005.

I expect to see you bring us continued joy in doing what we're supposed to be doing. Hope it's still this, because it's fun to have a job noodling around on the instruments, but if it's not, hope we find out soon and react appropriately.

I hope you're going to be a good 'un for family and friends. Are you listening? Be nice to my Buffistas!

Further, this should be the year for world peace and understanding and the appropriate distribution of power/resources. Okay? And if not, then this should be the year of standing up.

2005, you'd better shape up.

Yrs truly,

L.S.

What Tep Said.

I am erika, who is Teppy, who is Sean, who is meara.

Is meara Spartacus?

Me too. Is this like that thing where when you sex with someone you're having sex with everyone he ever had sex with?

I have NOT had sex with Spartacus.

Spartacus had sex?

Huh. Who knew?

Spartacus had sex?

He must have. He was hanging around with thousands of hunky Roman men. I would have.

I was going to say, if you trust Dalton Trumbo's interpretation, then yes, Spartacus definitely had sex.

I don't have wisdom to speak about 2004 yet. It was a year.

A few years from now—when I take the long view of things—2004 will most likely be seen as a milestone year for me. Some truly spectacular things happened.

The Smay-Zahas wedding was a joyous occasion, easily the most beautiful wedding I ever attended. Hec and JZ are so very in love and so obviously perfect for each other.

A week later was the F2F. That was a year's worth of fun in the span of a few days. If those two events were the only ones I attended all year, I would be content (and exhausted).

I finally got to meet Nilly, who is even more amazing in person than online.

I got to visit Lee's cabin in Maine, along with DX. Again, much fun was to be had, and Lee is a gracious host.

I am grateful for the other Buffista events I got to attend—The billytea farewell at KristinT's and the Lost in the Grooves reading in Chicago.

But...

I'm still going to therapy four times a week. It's clear now that I have a boatload of repressed emotions, relating to an abused childhood, that I need to deal with. The extent to with I blame myself for what happened continues to amaze me. We peel off one layer of self-loathing in therapy, only to find yet another layer of self-loathing. The 2004 elections only served to heighten my sense that my problems are too big for me to handle—I don't have control over them and I can't change them.

Whenever I get too close or too intimate with someone I pull back—sometimes quite abruptly. I spend too many weekends alone and miserable in my apartment. I know that all I have to do is call someone, yet I don't. I moved into my apartment in 2003, yet I still haven't furnished it, over a year later. In short, there are lots of simple things I could do to make myself happier, but I don't.

I need to keep myself in a constant state of unhappiness as a way of repressing my emotions. If I ever decided that I was happy in the present, then I would have to deal with all the things that have happened to me in the past.

At least now, I have a certain amount of awareness as to why I do a lot of the self-destructive things I do. Hopefully, in 2005 I can build on that.