A few years from now—when I take the long view of things—2004 will most likely be seen as a milestone year for me. Some truly spectacular things happened.
The Smay-Zahas wedding was a joyous occasion, easily the most beautiful wedding I ever attended. Hec and JZ are so very in love and so obviously perfect for each other.
A week later was the F2F. That was a year's worth of fun in the span of a few days. If those two events were the only ones I attended all year, I would be content (and exhausted).
I finally got to meet Nilly, who is even more amazing in person than online.
I got to visit Lee's cabin in Maine, along with DX. Again, much fun was to be had, and Lee is a gracious host.
I am grateful for the other Buffista events I got to attend—The billytea farewell at KristinT's and the Lost in the Grooves reading in Chicago.
But...
I'm still going to therapy four times a week. It's clear now that I have a boatload of repressed emotions, relating to an abused childhood, that I need to deal with. The extent to with I blame myself for what happened continues to amaze me. We peel off one layer of self-loathing in therapy, only to find yet another layer of self-loathing. The 2004 elections only served to heighten my sense that my problems are too big for me to handle—I don't have control over them and I can't change them.
Whenever I get too close or too intimate with someone I pull back—sometimes quite abruptly. I spend too many weekends alone and miserable in my apartment. I know that all I have to do is call someone, yet I don't. I moved into my apartment in 2003, yet I still haven't furnished it, over a year later. In short, there are lots of simple things I could do to make myself happier, but I don't.
I need to keep myself in a constant state of unhappiness as a way of repressing my emotions. If I ever decided that I was happy in the present, then I would have to deal with all the things that have happened to me in the past.
At least now, I have a certain amount of awareness as to why I do a lot of the self-destructive things I do. Hopefully, in 2005 I can build on that.
Tom, I don't think I have adequate words for this, but -- you are amazing. And brave as hell. And I say that knowing more than a little about trying to deal in the present with family bullshit from the past.
And on top of that, you're just plain nifty.
Tom is well beyond nifty, and into complete cool.
We haven't met, Tom, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous, but {{{Tom}}}.
Tom of the blazing smile and the quick info and the spectacular pictures which he shares with us all. You are, as Tep said, amazing. And an invaluable part of this community. I've had the amazing good fortune to meet you in person. But more than that, I've known you as a Buffista for several years. And even in your conversation on the board I can tell you've made enormous strides.
The post you just made? You couldn't have posted that year before last, nor last year either, I don't think. You're incredibly brave, incredibly strong, and I'm very very glad you're here.
And on top of that, you're just plain nifty.
Quite nifty. It was lovely to see you in New York, and I'm glad you came.
Tom is great and I am lucky enough to get to spend time with him more often than most.
_______________
My 2004 started with a lot of promise, or at least the hope for a lot of promise. It did not live up to expectations which is disappointing, but not the end of the world.
I am hoping for a calm 2005. There will be certain unavoidable life changes, but I do not plan to move and the adoption stuff will be on hold for a while.
I hope you all have healthy and peaceful new years.
t joins the Tom-love
It's always marvelous to see Tom, even though I never seem to find the time to talk to him much, Buffista gatherings being what they are (boisterous and chattery, among others).
2004 didn't suck. Wasn't great, but it didn't suck. I went to Hawaii again for the PFH, but this time I got to do a little traveling around the islands -- saw the North Shore, and the volcanoes on the Big Island, and ate greaet sushi with a friend who happened to be there at the same time.
Saw the Zmayhems get hitched and had a great weekend with Buffistas, snarked through Troy with Meara and Nutty. Got a raise, bought a new watch, saw my brother get married at the best wedding EVAR (sorry, Hec and JZ), spent a lovely week in Jackson Hole.
Finished the PFH. Got a new furnace and new chimney and new car (and now have no money, oy). Turned 40. The earth did not collapse.
Lost an old family friend, gained a new sister-in-law. Planning a long trip to New Zealand with some dear friends.
Yeah, there are things which could have been better. My mother's health is not good and not improving. The election results were disappointing. I'm out of shape, not writing what I'd planned to this year, watching too much tv, not getting out enough.
But all in all, I can't really complain; my family is mostly well, and mostly healthy, I'm still employed. I have a dog and a house and too many books waiting to be read. And I have the invisible people in my computer, who are marvelous, generous, witty souls.
From 2005 I want more energy, more discipline, and to finish some of the projects I've been working on for far too long (both work-related and other). For the world -- well, that's a long list. I'll spare you all.
