I agree with Teppy. I think I was delurked and posting for well over six months or more before I ever thought to look in Bureaucracy. I figured it was more for the stompies and such. Why I even started reading it I can't remember any more. So, yeah, I did start reading it, but it wasn't an intuitive "oh, this is something I should do" kind of thing.

well, there are all different types of grieving, but I, for one, cannot imagine that poking around an internet site my relative/good friend frequented would be high on my list after they died. YGMV

Trudy, what do you want us to do? Communicate by email? Set up a yahoo account somewhere to discuss all this? That's completely impractical, when this thread is right here for this sort of use. If in the extremely unlikely event a family member finds the discussion, and objects to it rather than contributing some explicatory facts (which I would be quick to do, were it my family member under such discussion), we can apologize and explain.

It seems to me a mark of the respect we all held Gus in that we want to know the truth. Well, some of us.

I'm sorry it upsets you.

This is probably the least likely thread anyone just looking around would be found. If Seamus or Kimi want to spend time poking around on a board that Gus visited a few times a year for the last couple of years (which seems unlikely), I think they'd be interested mostly in threads he posted in. After my dad died, we spent time informing people in groups he belonged to (Pilots from his group in Korea, for example), but not in then joining those groups. We had enough to do with dealing with real life stuff.

I hate to post and run, but I have to get Mom to her doctor's appointment. I'll check back in when we get home.

I'm not convinced there's a high risk to Guy Straley's intimates finding this discussion. Moreover, even if they do, we have been posting true things, not slandering. If it's all true, having a fantastic life story and being ungoogleable aren't insults, they just are.

I see two benefits of having this discussion. One, because in reading old bureau threads I think there was some bitterness about posters being unable to express (a) alarm over Zoe and (b) feelings that Schmoker=mieskie, both until it was pretty late. That kind of frustration builds until it blows up. Two, and I'm having trouble wording this, but I think it's a good idea to have a community-wide awareness of the signposts of pseudicide, if that's indeed what this is. Awareness keeps it from happening again, I'd think.

From the Wayback machine:

Chemistry Dept. Faculty and Staff from 2003

Emeritus Faculty and Staff

Thanks, bon bon. In a world like this where all we have to create community is our words, people feeling like they can't speak is what creates division, IMO.

Trudy, if they did wander in here I do not believe our discussion would add to their grief. I think they would clear up the confusion and answer some of our questions. People I know that are grieving usually want to share stories about their loved ones. All we have said here was that we loved the time Gus spent with us and that we wanted to honor his memory. Our honest attempts to discover what his wishes might be for a remembrance led us to discover that we didn’t know very much about the man.

If he was a fabricated persona I don’t have an issue with that, personally. That will vary with each individual here. I still enjoyed my time spent in conversation and flirtation with Gus. I do not however care to grieve if it is only a persona that has expired and not a real person. I only have so much emotion to go around. Therefore, I am curious to know the truth. If I don’t find out, I won’t lose sleep.

I understand your concern, Trudy. As one who has suffered many losses I honestly don't see where our conversation here would hurt any loved one of Gus.

"Dad really loved it here. They really seem to love him. Let's poke around."

Yes, but even so, there are so many threads they'd think to look at before one with an "Administrative discussions" slug. ISTM that if they know his interests and passions, they'd spend weeks roaming through Firefly, Buffy & Angel, Premium Cable, even Tech and BaBB, before thinking to look in an admin thread. This thread seems about as discreet as you're going to get without going backchannel and leaving many, many Buffistas out of the discussion.

Like many others, I loved Gus -- person or persona, he had a great sparky brain and a distinct voice and brought a lot to the board without asking for much back; I'm not mad about the deception, if deception it was (though puzzled -- if it was all persona, well, it was witty and interesting enough to sustain itself as a board member without the confabulations and I can't imagine why it would opt to complicate things by adding them).

I am mad about having spent my first New Year's Eve with my daughter not quietly enjoying the time with her and her dad, but grieving and fretting and falling into bed worn out and sorrowful. Just one lousy night out of my entire life, but there are friends and family, Buffistas and offline, whom I know to be real and to have suffered great sadnesses, and I hugely dislike the thought that I might have spent a night getting wrung out and depressed over a story -- not a story like Buffy that I walked into and engaged with knowingly, but one sprung on me by someone unknown for an unknown purpose.

Sure to be a very late xpost, as I'm typing slowly one-handed w/baby.