Total sap, as well. 4 times in the theater, and I still got weepy watching at home today. My thing is that I love the Rohan folks too much, so everytime Theoden would do anything I would get all proud and teary. I love them and their glorious death-in-battle wishes.

I saw Return of the King. I have many infuriating questions.

Okay, so infuriate us already.

So, the bad guy was an eye on fire on top of a tower? I thought Eric the Viking dies in the first one, does his brother have the same name? Where the hell were the stinky elves going? Wasn't Frodo supposed to die? Did ita's Boytoy also go sailing, or is he a Knight of the Round Table? Aren't those hobbits a buncha ingrates for not throwing a party for the Frodo Contingency? I mean, they have celebrations for Snack Time, the little bastards.

What was CrazyAss Daddy's problem?

The eye was symbolic of his evil spirit, the whole actual eye thing in the movie brought to you by New Zealand's excellent psilocybin crop. Brothers Mir were similarly named. People in ye olden tymes had limited naming imaginations and didn't have access to MTV or the internet. Frodo doesn't die, getting his finger chewed off by filthy Gollum and getting kicked out of Middle-Earth are supposed to be punishment enough for his good deeds. Orly goes off to BoyToy heaven, eventually. He isn't the smartest elf in the boat. Yes, the hobbits are ingrates. They are party animals, but also Amish. No one should stand out. To be fair, they didn't start the party for Frodo, but they didn't stop the party, either. CrazyAssDaddy was mainlining too much Mordor crack via having one of those secret globes that Pippin found and screwed with. The flaming yoni was giving CADaddy secret happies in the White Tower and the guilt was just unbearable once the good guys showed up. (His sin is despair)

Got more? There was hair-washing behind the scenes, but apparently it just makes some guys look creepy.

So, the bad guy was an eye on fire on top of a tower?

Yup

I thought Eric the Viking dies in the first one, does his brother have the same name?

The EtV scenes were a flashback. His name was Boromir, the brother is Faramir.

Where the hell were the stinky elves going?

To a place across the sea in the west where there are elf showers and they can live happily ever after.

Wasn't Frodo supposed to die?

Nope.

Did ita's Boytoy also go sailing, or is he a Knight of the Round Table?

He goes sailing later, after he works up a good elfly sweat with the dwarf.

Aren't those hobbits a buncha ingrates for not throwing a party for the Frodo Contingency? I mean, they have celebrations for Snack Time, the little bastards.

Yup.

What was CrazyAss Daddy's problem?

They didn't show it in the film, but he had one of those direct line to the flaming eye sphere thingies that almost drove Pippin all whackaloon.

Why didn't anyone kick Pippin's ass? Why did the Orcs and gremlins retreat like the French when there were so many more of them than there were of the hairbags? Is the Eye on Fire dead now? I mean, it's an eye. Where the hell is the rest of him?

The wizard guy that fucked with Gandalfe is now powerless, how? He's being guarded by a tree?

Why didn't anyone kick Pippin's ass?

The usual--he's the youngest and gets away with everything.

Why did the Orcs and gremlins retreat like the French when there were so many more of them than there were of the hairbags?

No more Eye on Fire directing them in their evil ways.

Is the Eye on Fire dead now? I mean, it's an eye. Where the hell is the rest of him?

He lost his corporeal body when the Ring was first cut off his hand by Head Hairbag back in the prologue of the first movie, and he needed the Ring to get it back. The question that JRRT never got around to answering was where the heck the Eye was planning on wearing the Ring since it is, in fact, just an eye. But, now that the Ring is not just merely dead, but really and sincerely dead, so's the Eye.

The wizard guy that fucked with Gandalfe is now powerless, how? He's being guarded by a tree?

Well, that's the theatrical release version. The extended is going to be a little more definite in how his story ends, even though it's a bit different than the book.

Why didn't anyone kick Pippin's ass?

I think Gandalf really wanted Pippin to be killed by an orc. less paperwork that way.

Why did the Orcs and gremlins retreat like the French when there were so many more of them than there were of the hairbags?

You got it in one. Orcs are French.

Is the Eye on Fire dead now? I mean, it's an eye. Where the hell is the rest of him?

He's deader than a favorite Minear character during sweeps. He lost his body when the continent he was standing on decided to sink. His own fault, really.

The wizard guy that fucked with Gandalfe is now powerless, how? He's being guarded by a tree?

Well, actually... (There was a chapter in the book that they didn't bother to film.)

So, I guess the answer to Allyson's question -- is yes -- he's being guarded by a tree. Until November when PJ will change that answer.