I killed the thread.

requeen is tryin' to steal credit.

You betcha.

OK. Is this a hardcore, everything goes spoiler thread, or a spoiler-lite thread? Because I just got back from the Boston screening and I'm happy to tell all if people want to hear it.

It is not a spoiler for the movie at all to say that both Sean Maher and Morena Baccarin were there. It was a hell of a surprise.

ETA: I'm stepping away from the computer for ten or so minutes to brush my teeth, and I really ought to be in bed soon (I have to be at the hospital in five and a half hours), so I won't be able to post for long.

I think hardcore, Jen.

Alrighty. I'm whitefonting just to be sure--HARDCORE spoilers ahead, in a somewhat disjointed fashion because I'm still traumatized:

First of all--the movie is several orders of magnitude more violent than the TV episodes. Caveat viewer if you're particularly sensitive to violence. I had a tough time with the TV episodes, and probably would have gotten up and left tonight a few times if it were any other movie.

The basic plot is fairly simple. Mal wants to use River for a job and takes her to a planet. While she's there, she seems an anime-like broadcast on a screen in a bar and goes batshit crazy and kicks the ass of every single person in the room (Jayne included). It turns out that the Alliance knows she's in the area and has triggered her through the broadcast. She stops only because Simon shows up and says a phrase that instantly makes her fall asleep. They leave the planet in a hurry because Reavers attack.

Once back on Serenity and having evaded the Reavers, Mal is pissed and asks Simon what the heck is going on. Simon says the people that helped him spring River from their "school" told him the disarming phrase because they knew she was being trained as a weapon. Jayne does his usual "why don't we kick them off the boat" routine, but this time Mal agrees and says they'll leave them at the next place they stop.

The next place they stop turns out to be the planet Inara is on, because she calls in saying that she needs Mal to do something for her. Mal knows it's a trap but goes anyway; there, he meets an Early-like character (I can't tell if it's supposed to be Early played by a different actor or if it's supposed to be a different character--we never hear his name); either way, the basic premise is the same--he's an Alliance operative who wants to get at River not because she's a weapon but because she knows some big Alliance secret. He knows Mal has a connection to River because he's got her whole asskicking session at the bar on tape and sees Mal leaving the bar with her and Simon; it's unclear at this point whether he knows that River is actually on Serenity.

Mal and Inara get away and they flee to a planet where Book is living; it's a place they've sought shelter before after a job and they hope the Alliance doesn't know about it.

Continued...

.....

More...

Book and Mal have a heart-to-heart about why he didn't just leave River and Simon in that bar and be on his merry way without them; Mal professes not to know but Book says Mal isn't that kind of man.

Somehow it comes out in conversation that River said the word "Miranda" in the bar before she went crazy. To try to figure out why, the crew go to see a guy called Mr. Universe, who is a hacker who keeps an eye on the above-the-board and down-low electronic transmissions of the universe--he's sort of a futuristic version of the guy who sits around in his kitchen with a six pack and a police scanner listening to who's getting arrested and why.

Mr. Universe says Miranda is a planet separated from the rest of the region by Reaver territory. Supposedly it's a failed terraforming experiment and is thought to be a big hunk of rock surrounded on all sides by Reavers. No one dares to go there.

With this knowledge, they head back to Book's planet to find the entire place annihilated. They've been gone only a few hours, but everyone is dead. Book is nearly dead by the time Mal gets to him but manages to explain that it wasn't Reavers who got to them--it was the Early-like character and his goons. Book dies. The crew tries to warn every other group of people who've given them shelter from the Alliance in the past, only to discover they've all suffered the same fate. The Early-like character has seen to it that they've got nowhere left to hide.

Wash discovers that Miranda is broadcasting a weak beacon, so they concoct a plan to get there through the Reavers by using the bodies from Book's planet to turn their ship into something looking like a Reaver vessel. They get through and land on Miranda to discover that every single person on the planet has died where they were standing.

They find the beacon and it's a "help us Obi Wan"-style holograph message explaining why everyone's dead; the Alliance released a chemical into the atmosphere to try to make everyone "better" people--happier, more peaceful, etc.--but it worked almost too well and 90% of the planet's residents just stopped doing everything, including breathing. The other 10% had the opposite reaction and went crazed and aggressive--they became Reavers. So the Alliance created the Reavers and killed 30 million or so people on the planet. This is the truth River was remembering in flashbacks, and the thing that the Early-ish character doesn't want her to remember or tell. Mal decides it's time to let the world know, and they try to head back to Mr. Universe so he can spread the word through his network.

They don't make it out past the Reavers successfully this time. The ship is badly damanged and crash-lands on Mr. Universe's planet with Reavers in hot pursuit. Wash does a sweet job of minimizing damage from the crash but seconds later, in a insanely HSQ moment, is killed (waaaaah!) by Reavers with a huge spike through the chest.

Continued....

More...

The crew barricade themselves into a small part of a building and try to hold off the Reavers while Mal leaves them and heads to Mr. Universe. The Early-like character has been there before him and has killed Mr. Universe, but Mr. Universe's wifebot (echos of the Buffybot!) explains what happened and tells Mal there's a backup computer system deep in the building that's hard to get to but will broadcast the message about Miranda. Mal tries to get there but is intercepted by Early-like guy and they have a brutal fight. Mal wins, most improbably, and starts the broadcast.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew are doing their best to hold off the Reavers but are failing fast. Zoe is mauled and Jayne is shot superfically--he's hurt but OK. Kaylee is shot, too, and isn't dead but isn't doing well. They retreat to a smaller room behind blast doors, but before they can shut them all the way, Simon is shot. Badly. He's going to die, but he left his medicine bag in the other room and as such can't do anything about it. River decides to take matters into her own hands and dives back into the Reavers, throwing the bag into the room with rest of the crew and sealing herself in with the Reavers. She then proceeds to kick Reaver ass until they're all dead.

She and Mal both re-enter the room where the rest of the crew are hiding; Early-like guy's men bust in a few seconds later and are about to kill River before Early-like guy calls it off, saying that it's too late and that the secret's already out.

In the tie-up montage, they rebuild Serenity, Zoe is strong in the face of her loss of Wash, Kaylee and (shirtless!) Simon finally hook up, and Inara and Mal nearly admit their feelings for each other. Inara thinks she might stay on the ship. Mal and River pilot Serenity off Mr. Universe's planet.

I thought it was incredible. Fans will appreciate it because everyone is clearly recognizable as the character they were in the show, and like the show, everyone gets good screentime. And I think new folk will like it because it's accessible to people who've never seen the show.

A lot of the language is the Jossiest of Joss; it brings the funny and the pain in equal amounts, and leaves you feeling bruised and traumatized but also amazed at the crew's fortitude and confident of their future. They'll keep flying. It won't always be easy, but they'll do it.

OK, now I have to go to bed.

Holy jumping Hannah.

applauds Jen wildly

cries

Joins JZ in the applause

(JZ-- you have email; I am also going to send you my work email and my phone number in just a second.)