She also has a curious idea of masterbation, which inspired my new porcelian lover icon.

Okay, so dinner had been tough but walking to the car had been tougher because the erection in his pants was pure torture with every step that he took. Sitting was unbearable because he felt that if his cock was any more stiff it would spear right through his leg as he drove to the Consulate. It seemed like forever until he made it to the Consulate then he bade the Mountie good night without the kiss that he had hoped for but that didn't matter because he had an emergency on his hands that needed his immediate attention. He revved up the car and sped away.

The detective nearly broke every speed limit as he rushed to his apartment, unlocked the door and practically ran to his bathroom, locking the door behind him. He knew that he had to take care of business and he didn't want anyone barging in, not that anyone would barge in, of course. "OH-h-h-h-h!' he moaned as his warm juices spurt out into the toilet some of it splattering to the floor. Ray reached one hand to the wall to steady himself then smiled as he gazed at the Mountie's photo that was taped to his medicine cabinet.

And then later, Fraser calls Ray while Ray is watching Diagnosis Murder...

Ray smiled and nodded. "Oh, I'll sleep really well now, Fraser." Then both men hung up and Ray found himself visiting his brand-new porcelain lover, the toilet again.

Edited to add another paragraph so it's clearer what's going on.

With that first bit of the passage, I'd have thought the guy was peeing. I guess that is a major sign of bad-fic, if it's hard for the reader to tell which bodily function is being engaged in.

Christ, askye, why did you have to do that to me?

I was amused how Mrs. Kent took time to sterilize the blade that her husband used to fish the only-thing-that-can-hurt-him out of their invunerable son.

My fanwank was that the hot knife was meant to cauterize parts of the wound so not to risk Clark bleeding to death before they got it out.

Mad--I added in the paragraph about explains Ray's prediciment.

ita--I'm sorry I promise I won't do this anymore. I can offer you a spork if you'd like to blind yourself.

Looking at Fraser and Ray didn't respond at first. Then after a few seconds, he said. "You know that Vecchio and I can't stand each other so naturally, I would've refused. But, if I liked him then, yeh, I would've slept with him cause he looks like he'd be a very passionate lover. I think that we would be really great in bed, together cause we're two very passionate men, so yeh, I'd do it."

Or even just x-tra sparky men.

I read this as "sparkly," and thought "So, members of boy bands, then?"

They should take a hunk of kryptonite and make a knife out of it for just such an emergency.