Woo negativity! Hooray cancellations!

I like the way minus-t put it.

I have done the Monday morning Pilates, and it was sweaty and stinky and good.

This week is all geared towards Matilda moving into her dorm on Wednesday. She's very excited that she got a Banker's Lamp for her desk. So classy!

My FB memories are now cycling through all of the end-game with Jacqueline two years ago. Yesterday was the second anniversary of bringing her home to hospice.

I've made a conscious decision not to repost those things, even though I do re-read them and look at the pictures. Since her illness and treatment and death occurred over the course of 8 months, there's no part of the year which is untouched by those memories.

Christmas week has that shadow of her first ER visit and diagnosis. The summer is all the time we spent in LA, at the WeHo doggie park, and eating brunch at our favorite spot.

September was always the beginning of our holiday season with both Emmett and Matilda having birthdays then, and Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas - all things we did with EM. And now, that stretch is notable for her absence. Our first Thanksgiving without her loomed large. Xmas is still a little off.

And September now has the anniversary of my sister's death as well. And JZ's funeral in October etc.

But two years on Matilda and I are moving forward with our lives. Not stuck. Emmett's found his career, Matilda starting college, changes for me.

Her brother, Chris, texted me on her birthday and said how much he missed her. And I didn't know how to properly respond because "missing" her is such a small part of the loss, of having our lives blown apart, the present and the future.

For Matilda and myself she wasn't just in our lives, but our lives were defined by being with her.

Anyway, if this sounds down, that's not how I'm feeling. I am learned in loss at this point. My wife, my sister (my only sibling), both parents. I don't know anybody who knew me as a human child in single digits.

The loss does not make me darker or more bitter, but more open, more attentive, more appreciative, kinder. Just trying to love and support as many people as I can during our short little mayfly lives.

And remembering Jacqueline alive instead of dying.

ETA: I took stuff down...maybe too much candor, maybe completely the wrong sort--I'm not sure. But there are all sorts of mourning, is all, and mine's not going super-great, though Mom would have me note that I am Managing but that's mostly not about me but that her high-school Managing team almost went to Mexico City in'68.(They almost raised their fists, too, but then turned around and started folding laundry because someone had to do it) Your awkward stage isn't supposed to go on for decades, though, is it? And, even though we mostly don't do that, and I may have to bend him over a patrol car afterward to feel like myself.... {{{Hecubus and fam}}}

The loss does not make me darker or more bitter, but more open, more attentive, more appreciative, kinder. Just trying to love and support as many people as I can during our short little mayfly lives.

In the decades following Steve's loss, I have not only become more appreciative, but also unshakable. No matter what life throws at me, and it certainly has tried a number of times, it will never be as traumatic and life-changing as that experience.

Right now, I am dealing with my sisters being non-stop critical of my brother's ex-wife, who has been taking care of him through his illness. They don't get it. They never took care of a terminally ill loved one. I hope they never have to experience it. They were non-stop critical of my beloved step-dad, whose loving care probably extended my mom's life by decades. I'm bracing myself, but fear I am going to have to battle with them again. She is battling bureaucracy, tending to his physical and emotional needs, and I am so grateful he has her by his side.

But there are all sorts of mourning, is all, and mine's not going super-great

Mourning has no rules. None of it is super-great for sure. Also, not too much candor. Once again, grateful that this place is here for us.

Shooting at an Austin Target. Bennet is Austin adjacent, yes? And Nora yes?

I'm fine - I live about 100 miles from Austin and almost never go over there these days. But I do still have friends there and am seriously fed up with Texas' attitude towards guns.

Thank you for posting. And hi.