I mean, I know that's true, but it just doesn't feel like a credible statement.

Sorry for interrupting any on-going conversations. I skimmed a lot.

[Ever since my quarantine last year - which is, and may probably ever will be - the mark of the beginning of the actual effects Covid19 has on my little sphere of my little life - and the few posts I've managed to sneek in while alone behind a closed door, I've been skimming Natter rather than skipping huge chunks every now and then (and keeping myself updated on "Beep Me" and "Press" alone, like I've been doing for oh-I-won't-even-start-to-guess-how-many-years).

With the global pandemic, I keep trying to follow who was affected and how, trying to maintain a mental picture of the progress of Buffistas vaccinations and of the ripples the pandemic creates in so many aspects of so many everyday lives. So, yeah, I try not to skip. I skim a lot. I mean, I managed to even read a few posts, some of them from beginning to end, with all the letters and words and sentences inside. But mostly I skim.

It's funny, because for so long I haven't been able to read (let alone post) on the board because I'm not in front of a computer (or a smartphone) screen for enough time to do anything other than short focused-on-being-accomplished-as-efficiently-as-possible missions. Once I started teaching via Zoom for way-too-many hours each day, I've gone back to spending nearly as much computer-hours as during my MA and PhD, but those hours were all full with, well, Zoom, full time. And with all those Zooms, my schedule became so hectic I couldn't keep on regularly following Natter, let alone write.

But I couldn't *not* skim. I had to know how y'all are doing. Both in the usual sense, of you being important and of how much I care about you, and definitely in the sense of extra-care-and-worry during these crazy COVID19 days. But I digress.]

And yet, it's that time of year again, and, yeah, still (and probably forever) in a risk of sounding a bit strange:

On Wednesday evening (as most of you clever people probably already know) starts the Jewish holiday of 'Yom Kippur', which means 'Day of Atonement'.

This is a day of soul searching, of trying to better define our faults to ourselves, and try to accept it upon ourselves to become, at least a little, better people. A day of repenting past wrongs we did, looking and finding it in our hearts to forgive wrongs done to us, and trying to remember to learn from this process in the rest of the days of the year. The holiest day of the year for practicing Jews.

On a rough division, there are two kinds of wrongs people can do: against G-d, and hurting their fellow human beings. In Jewish tradition, if the person committing a sin against G-d is truly sorry for what they did, repenting and taking it upon themselves to try and avoid repeating it, G-d forgives those sins.

The deeds which hurt other people, though, are not so 'easily' and personally forgiven. If somebody did anything to harm another person, they would not be able to cleanse themselves from that deed, no matter how much they'd pray and be sorry and repent and try to do good in the future, unless they make amends with the person who was hurt by that deed. As long as peace between people is not achieved, the 'sin', so to speak, is not 'erased from the books' above.

Regardless of the date in the year, I'd hate to think I'd offended somebody, anybody, in any possible circle of my life, in so many circumstances. I don't think that the attempts of becoming a better person than one already is, is something that needs a date or a certain holiday for it, of course. It's just that, for me, having a certain day in the year to stop my daily runnings around, and think of nothing else but the really important things, is a good reminder of the order of priorities I'd like to have in my life.

(Well, I wish that were true. Frankly, I spend more time thinking about how much a sip of water would be just what I need, and wonder how long I have left until the fast is over and I can start hydrating again, than about the actual important stuff. And in between comes the whole being responsible for two still-too-young to fast and getting-way-too-used-to-entertain-themselves-on-their-own-for-long-streches-of-time-while-I'm-on-Zoom-behind-a-closed-door (so they deserve every bit of possible attention when there's no Zoom on) very lovely kids, so mostly the important soul-searching stuff has to be pushed aside by the practical and urgent stuff. But still.)

So, since Thursday will be, for me, this day of at least trying to perform some soul-searching, of trying to create a new start in my on-going effort of 'becoming a good human being, or at least a slightly better one', I would like to ask all of you here, if I offended anybody, or hurt any of you lovely people, to tell me about it, and give me the opportunity to apologize, fix it if possible, and also learn from my mistakes, and try to not repeat them (there are so many new ones to practice, why repeat old ones, you know?).

In case I offended anybody, and can't communicate directly with them about it (for whatever reason, especially with my ongoing absebce from the board in the last few - I'm not even sure how to call it, years? ice-ages?), I can already say that I'm truly sorry. I can honestly say that I didn't mean to - you're all so considerate and thoughtful and generally all-around lovely, that there's absolutely no room for such a thing here. However, I might have had a slip of a keyboard, or mistaken somebody's intentions, or many other possible so forths. Y'all are so understanding, you probably tried to find excuses for me and didn't take offense anyway, but I want to make sure, all the same.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm definitely not trying to go around in a 'holier-than-thou' show off, or force my personal beliefs on others, or make statements which may be understood as criticizing anybody else's beliefs (or lack thereof) and way of living. If anything, being around here, among such a rich versatile group of kind and clever people, has exposed me to a lot more ways of choosing to lead one's life than I've ever had a chance to see before, and has shown me much more of the beauty and richness that is the world we live in.

[Edit: Oh, would you look at this, in the new home of the board even I can have just the one post for all these words and paragraphs and all! Wow!]

[Another Edit: this is especially true these last recent years, pre-Covid19, with my oh-so-short time-not-in-front-of-students-or-kids, computer time and internet access, which gave way for too many opportunities to unintentionally miss stuff or seem to ignore (undeliberately!) people or their posts. And even more so during these hectice Covid19 in-front-of-a-Zoom-screen-for-way-too-long.

Sometimes in absence you can hurt people just as much as when you're present. Or even more so, only differently.

I have to admit that for the past year I keep feeling like I'm disappointing every single person I'm somehow connected to. First and foremost the two lovely children who have to make do with too many hours of me-at-work-while-at-home, especially since we don't send them to school whenever the Covid-related numbers get worse around here, so they have way too mane opportunities to feel that absence. And the DkH (who is still sick), my mom - whom we try to meet via Zoom (yeah, that again) regularly, twice a week, each week, but it's far from being enough, and even my students, who seem to be getting so much of my time, but through that don't get even close to what I could've given them face-to-face.

And at the same time, you guys are always so there-for-anybody-who-needs (including little me - even when I don't get to get to the board, let alone post, I still know that you're there, that no matter what, if I ask, you're there for me, even after all my absence and lack of giving back).

So this is a chance to also post: Thank you.]

It is a most beautiful day when I see Nilly posting! Oh, the frustration of trying to have more hours in the day to pay adequate attention to both family and work! I remember well feeling like a completely inadequate failure with both for lack of attention. Sending healing thoughts for your husband and an abundance of love to you and yours.

It is so lovely to see you Nilly, and also to have had this annual tradition for so long.

I am trying to give everyone room this year because of our collective global trauma. I am sure you are doing the best you can for your family and your students and they know it and appreciate it

Unrelatedly, after I talked about being fandom adjacent, I spent several hours reading Harry/Draco fanfic.

Wonderful to see you, Nilly! Give yourself the latitude you give to everyone else in your life... it is not easy trying to cram 40 hours into a 24-hour day for your students, family, loved ones, and friends.

Love to see these words from you every year.

(Honestly, I can barely figure out how anyone truly interacts on Tumblr beyond just reblogging each other's posts. Sometimes I miss LJ...)

I feel this SO HARD.

NILLY!!!

They switched up my Mom's meds, and she's MUCH more lucid now, and doing way better overall. She's supposed to be getting out of the hospital and going into rehab today.

I am prepared to fight anyone who declares there's a threshold level for Fandom. Yeah, there are some superfans out there and more power to them, especially when they write superb fic, make great art or put on conventions. But you don't have to do any of that, even actively, to classify yourself.

shakes little fist

Good to hear some good Mom news!

That is good to hear, Tom.

Tom, that's great news about your mom!

I am prepared to fight anyone who declares there's a threshold level for Fandom. Yeah, there are some superfans out there and more power to them, especially when they write superb fic, make great art or put on conventions. But you don't have to do any of that, even actively, to classify yourself.

This is what I was thinking. If someone asked me "what's your fandom?" I would interpret that as asking "What do you enjoy watching/reading/playing?"