Sending much resolution ~ma to house of Teppy's dad.

Gud, loved ones aren't supposed to get angry with you when you aren't feeling well. Period. You aren't stupid. People who get angry at you for being overwhelmed are heartless.

Gud, you are human and it is expected that you would both have and express feelings. If your wife wants a robot she should get on that.

I hope things are OK with the Steph family.

I’ve been kind of struggling lately. I think that during the lockdown this past year, I withdrew too much, and now it’s been too difficult for me to get back out in the world. It’s like my normal state of social anxiety has been amplified, and I’m afraid to get out of my apartment and do stuff.

I’ve also been frustrated with my photography lately; it feels like I’ve been stuck in a rut. I’ve plateaued, and also I don’t know write and talk about my photography in a meaningful way, which helps to feed my impostor syndrome.

But hey, here’s a photography class that’s right in my strike zone. Open to photographers of all experience levels. But it’s $840. But it could be exactly what I need to take my photography to the next level. But it could be useless to me, and just tell me stuff I already instinctively know. But spending all that money could be just the motivation I need to force myself to get out of the fucking and be social. But much like therapy, I’m only going to get any benefit out of it if I’m willing to put in the effort, which I’m not really good at doing with my therapy. But also, I’m just scared of human interaction.

I need to sleep on this.

I’m just scared of human interaction.

Yeah.

In three weeks, I start working in the office again, with other people around me. Don't wanna.

Hope all went well Teppy!!

I was on a boat all day and although it was cloudy and I wore sunscreen I think I got sunburnt on my face! (I was wearing long sleeves, so nowhere else hopefully)

Man, I hear you on all that, Scola. That class sounds really cool, though. And even if all you learn is things you already know that would validate those things and maybe boost your confidence? Unlikely to be a complete waste of time, I think, although it is a lot of time and money to invest. Sleeping on the decision seems reasonable.

Sending soothing vibes towards Ohio until we hear how all that went…

It turned out well — Dad agreed to give us the guns and wasn’t unduly angry. What we found out during the visit is that his hallucinations have been back for a while, and they’re really vivid and have continuity from day to day (he hallucinates that people are in his apartment).

Whenever we’ve talked to him on the phone, he’s more lucid than he’s been in years, AND he didn’t tell us the hallucinations were back, so we thought he was doing well. But also (and I realize how weird this sounds) he seems very mentally sound…except for the hallucinations. So we’re baffled.

We’ll be following up this week to make sure he makes an appointment with the geriatrician so this can get sorted out.

But the most important thing was to get Dad’s guns, which we did. They’re in my brother’s in-law’s gun safe now.

My bro is at my mom’s house, and I am exhausted and everything is sore, from my toes to my head. I’m not setting the alarm for tomorrow (though I will be working when I get up).

Gud- you are autistic. Everyone who is autistic -and a lot of people who aren't-get overstimulated in crowds and events and having to be social.

That doesn't make you stupid or a failure or wrong or bad.

It means that afterwards you probably do need to hide in a way, find ways to destress. Do something like wear noise cancelling earmuffs, lie down in a dark space, and lie under a weighted blanket. that's what I would need to do, you may need to do something else.

But again, that doesn't make you stupid or wrong or a bad person.

Your wife is the one that is in the wrong. I know you don't think we are being fair or that we don't understand and I get that you want to defend your wife from criticism but-- your wife is in the wrong. She is not being a good spouse or a good person.

I really wish you could a therapist to talk to , especially one who specializes in autism to help you figure out how too navigate life better and be able to understand what you need and how to advocate for it and set boundaries etc. It helped me immensely to be able to better understand and not feel terrible about why I struggled with things or couldn't do things. But also someone who you can talk to about your wife and help figure out what is best for you as a person, even if it means not being married to her.

That doesn't make you a bad person either.

You need to take care of yourself. And your loved ones and family members are supposed to be understanding about it even if they don't really understand (if that makes sense).

Teppy I'm glad it turned out well. I get why you didn't realize there was something more going on if he is more lucid and not telling you about the hallucinations.

I hope his doctor is able to figure out something.

So glad it worked out ok for now Teppy! Fingers crossed a doc can help him with the hallucinations (either getting rid of them or at least working with them to not encourage gun violence??)

I was on a boat for 8 hours so now I feel like my bed is gently rocking. Love it.