Grief, any type, is so weird and debilitating.

Yes, it gets in your brain and stays. Some days are harder, some are easier, but it never goes away.

Much Boob~ma, Susan!

I'm not a big fan of pickles, so I'm not sure about those particular tots, but the idea of deviled tots in general is a good one and deserves more research.

Apparently another weird, bonus side effect of the cancer and its treatment: I was entering perimenopause when I got diagnosed, but as the cancer had invaded my uterus, they yanked it (and the ovaries while they were in the neighborhood), so I have no idea if any given weirdness is chemo-brain or hormone fluctuation or what. I think it short-cut a lot of the worst menopausal weirdness. Though the gabapentin that I'm on for neuropathy apparently also helps lessen hot flashes, so Yay, Gabapentin! I also had so many different appointments at so many different places with so many different people once I was diagnosed that I suddenly started using the planner (that I would buy every year but stop using by February because I always kept everything in my head). So I got into the habit of Write Everything Down. Now the problem is to remember to corral my notes either back to my planner or my cute little notebook so I actually remember the thing that I wrote down when I'm in a position (or speaking to a person) to address it. But again, what's hormones, what's cancer, who can tell?

Guess I'm not there yet, though I am something of the Le Bron for Team Wonky Period. and if y'all think you have no clue, I really don't, what with being damaged in shipping and not being eleven and having a closed community of, you know, older girls with disabilities to take my cues from.(The sad fact is that some of us? Don't get to be old, so there may not be any, even if it wouldn't be completely weird to wait for a grey-haired lady with statement eyewear to roll by so I could be like "crip menopause? Whaddaya got?" Because doctors gave up when I really *was* eleven. Weird that I could practically pass for an Elder Stateswoman and I've got no clue at all, except, like "Try not to kill people.(much.)

it's a tossup as to whether I'll remember it, forget it immediately, mostly forget it but be haunted by a lingering sense that I'm forgetting something, or remember it three weeks later when the deadline for doing the thing is long past.

I have a new entry from about half an hour ago: that thing where you go into another room and forget what you came for? I just did it when I looked up from my right-hand monitor and switched to my left-hand monitor. I pulled up the internet browser but couldn't remember what I was going to do. Not even ten seconds later!

grief is exhausting and nonsensical.

Oof, it really is.

Speaking of, Shir, I’d love to see you again if you feel like coming back to New Orleans. Or to wherever I am at that time.

I'm afraid New Orleans is off the menu for this trip (but oh how I loved it there! I still remember dancing in the street with you), but I'd absolutely love to see you again.

Also, people: I'm bad at geography of places I don't know. Which means that I only learned today that a day trip from NY to DC is an option, but from SF to LA I will need a flight. This is to say: if you're close-ish to NY, Seattle or SF, please tell me about it! I'd love to commute and see you f2f and have very little idea what is and isn't possible.

Thank you for sharing about the protests

Oh wow, we're angry. Six protests today alone in the city. Only one pro government. We're really, really angry. And heartbroken. The translator here took some literature freedom, but the subtext is pretty accurate. I listened to this on repeate for about a month. It was originally out in November. The names are of the coalition members, and they're filming inside a bomb shelter. [link] And in addition, the government apparently now hatessss graffiti of the numbers 1400 and 136 (the first is the estimated number of dead on Oct. 7th. Later we learned it was around 1290 and the other bodies were of Hamas, but it took a lot of time to identify those who could be identified so 1400 sticked. The latter is the number of hostages and prisoners of war in Gaza). Activists keep spraying these numbers in various places.

there is a nonzero change I will be on a mandatory business trip to China while you are in the US, and if that happens I will be so MONUMENTALLY pissed at the entire universe.

WAIT, I CAN FIX THE UNIVERSE!

That is to say I didn't book the tickets yet. When is that business trip?

Edited: context and hopefully clarity.

Hahaha fix the universe Shir! Get on that!

I am all about writing things down but I do fully anticipate the “move from right monitor and left monitor and immediately forget why” in my near future if I haven’t already. One of the reasons I keep a weekly agenda in a notebook isn’t just to make it pretty but to write out what my week looks like and drill it into my brain, and think about how my week is set up and what else I need to schedule or when I can do things etc.

Back from the clinic. They did go ahead and to the biopsy, but the impression I got was that the doctor thinks it's likely based on the location that it's some sort of scar tissue/blood pocket/etc. related to my surgery.

They were also able to pause my MyChart notifications for a week after I mentioned I was going to try to set up a filter for my inbox, and they said they check their inbox several times a day so they can call people with results. So at some point in the next 3-5 business days I should know for sure.

OMG the time spent wondering"why am I looking at my phone?"/"why did I open Google"/"did I mean to open a new tab?" is very high

Sounds pretty good for now, Susan. Continuing boob~ma

Lots and lots of ~ma, Susan.

yeah, Susan, ma for your breasts...