Grief, any type, is so weird and debilitating. A very old friend passed yesterday, and all of us who knew him are flailing. My life wouldn't be what it is today if I hadn't met him.

At work I've taken to keeping a daily to do list in word open at all times. It is saved by the date, I update it frequently marking things out and making progress notes. Each morning yesterday’s gets copied to a blank doc and all things completely marked out are deleted. Then it’s saved as the new date. I think I have 4-5 months of these now.

I have been reading a lot lately on how high-masking smart neurodivergent women just FALL THE FUCK APART during perimenopause because all of the coping mechanisms we've been using since puberty were built on a foundation of mostly reliable hormone levels, which, as it turns out, were pretty important for day-to-day functioning.

Seriously, just @ me next time.

Right? Perimen sucks and it's getting worse. The night sweats are awful. It's really more like night dampness before dawn but I rarely get back to sleep in good time.

(preaching to the choir) grief is exhausting and nonsensical.

And goes on.

Right? Perimen sucks and it's getting worse.

I am going to be 53 in 4 months, and if my period doesn't go away soon, I will lose my fucking mind. I'm not using it! I don't need it! This is ridiculous.

For those who will be celebrating Sunday's, um, event I came across this recipe for deviled tater tots. I know there are some who really enjoy tater tots.

You mean my birthday, Todd? I like tater tots :)

Those tots sound wonderful, if someone else would make them for me.

Huh, I hadn't considered that perimenopause could be in the mix (I figured pandemic fog, work stress, and grief were the main culprits), but count me among those who have realized recently that I absolutely have to write things down immediately. If I don't, it's a tossup as to whether I'll remember it, forget it immediately, mostly forget it but be haunted by a lingering sense that I'm forgetting something, or remember it three weeks later when the deadline for doing the thing is long past. (I'm very good at that last one.)

Oooh, potatoes.

Grief, any type, is so weird and debilitating.

Yes, it gets in your brain and stays. Some days are harder, some are easier, but it never goes away.

Much Boob~ma, Susan!

I'm not a big fan of pickles, so I'm not sure about those particular tots, but the idea of deviled tots in general is a good one and deserves more research.

Apparently another weird, bonus side effect of the cancer and its treatment: I was entering perimenopause when I got diagnosed, but as the cancer had invaded my uterus, they yanked it (and the ovaries while they were in the neighborhood), so I have no idea if any given weirdness is chemo-brain or hormone fluctuation or what. I think it short-cut a lot of the worst menopausal weirdness. Though the gabapentin that I'm on for neuropathy apparently also helps lessen hot flashes, so Yay, Gabapentin! I also had so many different appointments at so many different places with so many different people once I was diagnosed that I suddenly started using the planner (that I would buy every year but stop using by February because I always kept everything in my head). So I got into the habit of Write Everything Down. Now the problem is to remember to corral my notes either back to my planner or my cute little notebook so I actually remember the thing that I wrote down when I'm in a position (or speaking to a person) to address it. But again, what's hormones, what's cancer, who can tell?