What I hear is "It's going to be a rough day so be gentle with yourself and take the pressure off wherever you can."

Yeah, that's how I read it. Like, "Missing your mom at Christmas will hurt, and feeling shitty is okay." Because she'll move all the way through her feelings. She won't just get stuck in feeling shitty.

Yeah, that's how I read it. Like, "Missing your mom at Christmas will hurt, and feeling shitty is okay."

I'm sure that was what the therapist meant. She didn't do anything wrong.

It's just that we're a house of two now and when one of them has license to punt on the Holiday that doesn't leave me much to work with.

Matilda is not obliged to try. As the parent though, I am.

Side note to all this, one thing I've had to mull over a lot this year is seeing people step up in different capacities to help.

And the thing is....it's asymmetrical.

It's not as elegant a formulation as Jesse's "Different People Like Different Shit" (so I need to work on the phrasing) but I've been thinking/feeling "Not Everybody's Good At Everything."

Like, Emmett was a champ when we were traveling to LA every two weeks, picking up all the slack when Emilly couldn't cover or our flights or treatments were delayed.

Could not have done it without him.

But he wasn't as present when JZ was in home hospice and hasn't been as supportive/thoughtful since her death.

And one of the women who was huge when we had hospice was Hannah. But Hannah was also the mother of Matilda's friend who abandoned her and cut her out during COVID and was completely oblivious to that damage, and also didn't realize how her absence at that time hurt Jacqueline.

One of my close friends has both parents alive into their 90s and has really never lost anybody she loved, or inner circle in her life. And she hasn't been much help during all this. She doesn't have any insight beyond some shallow nostrums.

But she was the person I assigned making sure I followed up on getting my weird mole (i.e., Melanoma) checked and she was vigilant about it.

It's about forgiveness, and recognizing that you can't lean on one person to meet all your needs at a time like this. And various people will rise to their strengths, but sometimes not overcome their weaknesses. But you love them for what they can give you and not fret about the disappointments.

You've got the "putting the team together" montage there. Now we need to figure out a heist!

Joking aside, life challenges/crises can certainly put the strengths and weaknesses of those around you into pretty stark relief. It's good that you're able to see more than just the weaknesses.

I strong armed Emmett into coming over on Wednesday. I told him I wanted Kalena to come over too. "Well, she's got wine drinky nights with her girlfriends...." I strong armed that one too.

Because nothing says Xmas spirit like forcing your family to visit you.

It's just that we're a house of two now and when one of them has license to punt on the Holiday that doesn't leave me much to work with.

Yeah, that's a fair point. When does her winter break start? Ours doesn't start until Friday, which feels late to me.

He could perhaps do homework with voice recognition. (he may not forgive me that thought)

He doesn't want to dictate to me, but this may just be cool enough to convince him to try. Thanks!

I recommend he start by playing simple card games or the like

Thanks, bennett. He'll probably start by playing Minecraft, because that's his favorite computer activity lately, and I have to admit I hope he enjoys it enough to actually learn to mouse with his left hand, by the time the cast has to be off.

somehow 20 years ago I was already a Buffista though?!

Yeah, there's definitely something strange about the passage of time (though, seeing as this same PiBoy is going to be Bar-Mitzva in only a few months, this strangeness encompasses others, too).

felt very weak and scary after getting the cast removed

Oh, that's a good point. I'll have to make sure he's careful with soccer and bike and the like after the cast is removed, and ask his doctor about it. Thanks, meara!

the first without my mom, which was full of love and joy and still absolutely gutting and weird and wrong without her. Both can coexist.

Kate, you phrased this so beautifully.

At the beginning of many of the Jewish holidays, there's a blessing that thanks G*d for getting us to this time and event. The first holiday without my father, I couldn't say it. I just couldn't. Expressing out loud the joy over being there, when he wasn't - I just couldn't. The mix of joy and longing is sometimes even harder than the absence and longing in and of itself.

various people will rise to their strengths, but sometimes not overcome their weaknesses. But you love them for what they can give you and not fret about the disappointments.

David, you phrased this so well, and with so much thought and care and compassion, for both other people as well as for yourself.

(We got to experience this, at some degree, with the support we try to provide, as a community, to families who have enlisted members. How people are people, no matter what is going on around, and how both strengths as well as weaknesses are hightened and more pronounced, when times are rough.)

I strong armed that one too.

The first occurance of each holiday, after such a huge change, sets up the ways in which this holiday is observed in years to come. Stressing the importance about the coming-together of the family (especially when taking into account the "household of two", as you wrote earlier) seems to be just the right thing to do, IMHO.

Nilly I hope PiBoy has a speedy recovery.

Thanks everyone for letting me know the intolerances can develop. I had been having stomach issues and I tried a BRAT diet for a few days and felt better and went back to on regular diet. Then I still felt bad so I looked up FODMAP diet and stuck with the safe foods and did mostly follow it and felt better. Then switched back to regular diet and didn't feel as good. I'm going to make a Drs appointment just to make sure it's nothing else.

David I think you have been doing a remarkable job as a parent and husband and human being this past year. I wish the therapist had thought a little bit about how what she said would impact you as a parent and feel like it's undercutting all the work you've done to make things the best they can be.

Also yes if you are going to strong arm your family to be together Christmas is the traditional time ro do that.

And speaking of shitty things...last night between 7 ish and 9 ish one of the cats shit on our bed. On M's side. The bed wasn't made and the sheets were bunched up under it so the top and bottom sheet were the only casualties. My comment was "at least the comforter and mattress pad were ok". These words would come back to haunt me.

We stripped and changed the sheets and speculated on who the asshole cat was and why. Which ever cat it is has something going on because the poop was softer than it should be so I thought maybe it was an accident. M thought maybe it was a protest over the litter boxes not be clean enough. He went and took care of them but they were fine.

Until this morning around 2:30 when M woke me up with a start. He rolled over and his feet for wet.

A cat had peed on the end of the bed. With us in it and it was on the comforter through to the mattress pad. So we got up stripped the bed. Found replacement sheet and blankets and cursed the cats and tried to figure out the culprit.

This seems to be deliberate. I was wondering if it was against M but he is the "fun" cat owner who is around to give pets and treats. And I'm the non fun one who trims down murder mittens and gives medicine (I'm better at it) and refuses to give the begging cars treats most times (because they already had enough).

And then around 6 Ish we woke up to Duchess coughing up a hairball but she was doing this over the edge of the bed on the floor.

So that was not a restful night. We are going to ban the cats from our room for a few days at least. And try to pay attention to when a cat is in the litter box and see if we can ID a cat that way but I doubt we will be able to be successful.

Because nothing says Xmas spirit like forcing your family to visit you.

I think that you're entitled to some strong-arming this year.

Thanks everyone for letting me know the intolerances can develop.

askye, I can't remember -- did you get Covid? I developed lactose intolerance after my first bout of Covid. It's mostly gone away (I can eat cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, ice cream, etc.), but I do still drink lactose-free milk and use oat milk creamer in my coffee.